gypy04's Journal

Okay... I'm alive... I'm finally able to breathe much better... It only took me looking like I was going to die... I was all pale and I had huge black circles around my eyes.  I looked like death.  Seriously was wondering if this was what death felt like... I hate asthma.  I hate not being able to breathe.  It's so basic... I never think about it... until I can't, and it's barely involuntary anymore... Oh well... I'm much better now... Midterms are over, and I think I am finally starting to relax... I was pretty stressed there for awhile... Oh well, next week I can stress about the three projects that are due by the 12th and I haven't started yet.  ERRR always something... At least I finally get 3 days off... 24, 25, 26, from school... Between semesters, where I won't have to worry about ANY homework or projects!! Thank GOD  I need a break!

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well... I am sick now.  I hate getting sick because I have asthma, and whenever I get sick my asthma kicks in.  So, I can't breathe, and I'm all hopped up on cough medicine... Thank god I'm off for two days.  But sunday night at work totally killed me. That was torture!  Everytime I move, I have to stop and try to breathe.  Move my arm... stop and breathe... stand up...try to breathe.... it's ridiculous.    The whole cold part doesn't even bother me cause I don't even really realize it... Except that my nose is sore cause it keeps running and I have to blow it... It's the trying to breathe part.  ahhh oh well... My boyfriend is annoying me... He's just been yelling at me for sleeping on the couch.... yelling that the house is a mess.  Yes, please let me try to clean the house for you whilest I can't breathe.  Maybe we'll be lucky and an attack will make me go to the hospital...   he should be the one to clean the house anyway.  I take care of our daughter all day, go to college, work full time at night, and I'm sick.  All he does is work come home put the baby to bed, and go to sleep.  I work at 10 pm to 6am. Come home, don't go to sleep... cause she wakes up when i get home, do my schoolwork and homework... take care of the baby... then  he gets home at 7 now for the holidays, and I go to sleep at 7pm then wake up at 9:30 pm to go to work at 10pm... Then he yells at me for getting up at 9:30... I've been getting to work later and later... but it's on time.  I used to go in early like 15 mins... now I get there like 5 mins early or exactly at 10.  I'm never late... He yells at me for getting up at 9:30!!!!  Excuse me!! But thats all I ever get to sleep!!!! Monday and tuesday are my days to relax... even though i'm still taking care of the baby, doing my homework...etc...i'm just not going to work that night.... Well I've taken so much cough medicine right now, I don't really remember what I have been writing about... lol so i'll stop for now... till next time..

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For some reason i "pigged out" yesterday.  And by "pigged out" I mean, I ate healthy half the day... then I went to my mom's house for dinner and I ate some spaghetti, meatballs, roast beef, and mashed potatoes... then I had a few cookies... It's not that I deprive myself of this stuff... cause i do eat cookies and muffins sometimes... Not the whole thing or whatever... usually just a quarter of a big cookie, then give it to my daughter or half a muffin, share it with my daughter and dog, or i'll just half a sugar free fat free muffin with only 35 calories.. My point is...  I don't like eating like that... It's like an unstructured meal... I like to know exactly what I am going to eat, and what it consists of.  I don't like having things where i have no idea how many calories are in it or whatever... It's not that I'm going nuts about calorie counting cause I'm really not, but it's just such a backtracking, unproductive feeling.  I'm still gaining and loosing the same amount of weight...  I really need to just start loosing weight again... I still think it may have alot to do with the stress factors in my life right now, and sleep deprivation.  I took a stress test on monday, and it revealed that I am seriously vulnerable right now.  I feel like once my midterms and final exams are finished i won't be so stressed, but then it'll start all over again next semester... Errrggghhh I don't know what to do. 

Maybe I need to go talk to a nutritionist...  Get a plan of action specifically geared towards me.  And, if I go to the doctor, I will feel better.  Don't know.. Gotta do something.

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Went to the store today... I bought some flax seed and toasted wheat germ....
I never knew they tasted so good!

I remember when I was younger my mom would buy wheat germ and I wouldn't eat it because it was called germ...  lol I thought it would taste nasty.  I put them both on my kashi golean cereal with soymilk... OMG it was seriously amazingly good... I already love the kashi cereal but it really made it taste a million times better.... So happy...

BTW got my palm treo in the mail today... It's soooo awesome... can't wait till i get my headset then i can be cool!! LOL i'm such a loser...hahaha

I bought so much healthy stuff today.... i'm so proud of myself... i only bought one bad thing... pizza but thats for my boyfriend, for when i go to work, he makes it in the microwave, cause well, lets face it... he can't cook... hahaha but i don't eat it anyway.. i never do... no problem... i bought different food this time too cause I hope that my body will be like, hey! new food! I can loose weight again!  hopefully... we'll see.

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so, today, we ran out of food in my house, so I had to order some food for me and my daughter, cause I couldn't go to the grocery store, and peapod doesn't deliver in my area.  I bought like the healthiest things on the menu that I could find... Got an omelette for breakfast and a veggie burger for lunch... I haven't eaten the veggie burger yet... but i ended up eating most of my daughters french toast.... I can't believe how crappy i feel now... I notice that anytime i eat something that is not so healthy anymore it makes me feel crappy.  I don't mean emotionally crappy, although that does too, i mean like physically, internally crappy... I don't feel healthy... Maybe it could be the syrup and all the bread that i ate... along with cheese and regular eggs... I usually eat egg whites... I'm not used to eating like whole eggs anymore.... The reason why i didn't get the eggs substituted is because I know what restaurants use for egg whites... and it's not very appetizing... So I went with the "real" eggs.... (restaurant egg whites are disgusting>>  If you ever go to a restaurant...as them to use real eggs) but, i didn't do that, cause I don't really trust people who make my food, and I didn't want them to do anything gross to the food, so i try not to piss them off... And believe me... I've seen it done... I've been working in various restaurants for about 10 years now, and it's gross... Thats why i always make my own food... Anyway... I don't feel good...

Also, I haven't had time to go to the gym lately, and I haven't even really had time to come on to calorie count.  The only reason why I am on here right now, is because I really had to get some things off my chest... Midterms are coming up in a week and I have been constantly studying... and I have a 3 huge projects due at the same time, plus my regular daily homework... It's just alittle stressful right now.  I haven't had any sleep lately... I was supposed to go to my mom's house last night, since i haven't seen her and she hasn't seen my daughter in like a month... I told her i would be there at 6:30 and I would bring bagels and stuff... I was reading my western civ book before i went there... trying to study alittle before i went there, and I ended up falling asleep, and not even going... I woke up at 9 pm and called her... and i felt so bad... She had already gone to sleep but i talked to her boyfriend... Sometimes i think that i have everything undercontrol,and then the next its all out of control.. I am getting so stressed out... I'm not loosing any weight,.... I think it is probably because i eat the exact same thing everyday... and my body is probably used to it... I don't sleep either and I am convinced that that is another reason why... when i was getting two days of at least 8 hours of sleep a week i was loosing weight.  Now, i dont' even get that on my days off... and ever since i haven't lost anything... and i am going between 222 and 223.  No 221.... ah... hopefully soon...
I'm not worried at all about thanksgiving or christmas, like other people... I haven't spent any holidays with family and food in years... I always have to work... Never get to spend it with my family... and it's funny cause i 'm  the one with the yound child, and the people that have no kids always end up being off... Gotta do something about that... Oh well whatever...

On another note... I finally splurged and bought myself something that I have wanted for like years... and never had the gaul to buy it for myself because it was expensive and i would have felt extremely guilty for buying myself something and not using the money to buy somebody else something... I've never done that before... I'm usually spending hundreds of dollars on other people because thats just the way i am... so now... I bought myself a palm treo phone.. cause I have wanted a nice pda, and cell phone for the longest time... and the palm treo is both... plus it's an mp3 player,.  something i don't have, and has gps... can't wait till tomorrow.. should be here... Oh well, i should stop now,cause i have written a book... gotta go study some more...

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I cut about 3 and a half feet of hair off on sunday... My hair is about 2 inches long 3 or 4 in some spots... It looks freakin awesome!!!  I make it stick up, and it goes great with my head bands!!!  It also makes my face look much better.... You  can actually see the shape of my face now!! LOL but, the point is... I am really starting to feel much better physically and mentally, and i think it's showing... like others can tell...  On another note.... I haven't been loosing much weight recently....  I think I have hit a dreaded plateau again.... Ah...well hopefully soon it will break......

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I'm totally bummed... I was down to 220 and now I am at 222.  The day I started going to the gym... I was 221.... The next day I was 226.  I figured that it was because i started working out.. Now I'm down to 222... It's just a bumming feeling when you see the scale go up.  ERRRR!!!! Hate this...

PS.... it is soooo cold in NY right now!!! Hate that too!!!



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