ily2tori's Journal

The Loss in Losing Weight
Dec 10 2008 11:11

For most of my life I have seen myself as being "fat". When my friends tell me I'm not fat I don't believe them because for me its like telling a parent of three kids, that the children don't excist. Because I live everyday of my life knowing this about myself. I used to be 5 feet 3 inches, and weighed 130 lbs. To me this was fat. I had to suck in my gut just to consider myself "okay". When people I told about this replied to me, they said, "Well if you think your SO fat then work out, or diet... just DONT stop eating or work yourself to death!" Well to be honest I want to. I would love to mold my body this way but I have a disease called Delta Storage Platelet Disorder. Which means that I have to eat more Iron that most people and try to rest as much as possible. Recently my parents have wanted me to get tested for Anemia, which would just make matters worse for me. Having to eat so much food and not being able to work out or be in school activities hurts pretty bad. And as terrible as it seems, girls that are three times bigger that me I see as BEAUTIFUL, because they can be themselves and still be so confident. Yet, I see myself as this terrible person that can't get over this obsession of trying to be something I know just won't work. During some time that it is possible for me to be active without hurting my body so bad I work myself to the bone. I once ran 6 miles JUST because I ate a bagel with cream cheese. ONE BITE can be more fat than you should have a day to lose weight and be healthy. So I started to restrict myself and stop eating entirely, and live on Iron pills. Three days of not eating every week and I started to lose weight, but not in the places I wanted it to go. BOTTOM LINE: Don't starve yourself to be someone you just can't be. Be who you know you can be! Be confident with yourself and do what makes you happy not what you "think" could make you happy. I am now 119 and 5 feet 4 inches. And I still feel fat but with the confidence I gave myself, I feel that I can do anything!