jen_0523's Journal

reality
Nov 11 2009 10:52

I got up today around 8 am, getting the sleeping schedule back on track. I went and ate breakfast, a bit high in calories. I watched a movie and then came back upstairs and got online. I logged into facebook and saw my cousin had tagged a photo of me from when she was back here in Iowa a few months ago. I saw the photo and my jaw dropped. I quickly untagged the photo. It just may be the most disgusting photo of myself I have seen ever. Reality really set in. I have seen the numbers on the scale, the amount of fat on my body, I've looked in the mirror after a shower. I've seen the amount of hair that fails out in my hands, in the bottom of the tub, tangled in the bristles of my brush. I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't that bad. I deep down in my heart knew it was horrible and thats why I have been trying to find ways to help myself. I just think i was trying to hide myself from the truth. When it is out there for everyone else to see. It sucks, and it hurts a lot to see. I know that my weight is totally my doing. I don't know why my hair is falling out. I've been told that it could be stress, it could be my pcos, it could be from me not being healthy. I really pray that it is from those things so then I have hope that I can then try to get my weight and body in control and therefore try to reverse my hair loss side effects. Theres also a chance its hereditary and I could have female pattern baldness and theres not much hope for my hair. That really scares me. It seems like its one thing after another. I never thought that anything could be worse then allowing myself to be morbidly obese. After two long years of hair loss and losing 3/4's a head of hair. It's the toughest thing physically I've been through. I can't sit here and allow myself to do nothing and wait for what is next. I think logically i can predict what is next and i promised myself that I would never allow myself to go that far. I don't want to become a diabetic. I'm tired of being afraid of living. I'm don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to use food for comfort. I've done nothing but destroy my body and hinder myself in every aspect of life. I think I may print that picture out and put it all around the house. Remind me of what I have allowed myself to become, and why I am trying so hard to change my life.