jess1979's Journal

12/8/09

Dec 08 2009 07:29

Good Morning!!!

Today is Tuesday - I am on the road all day, why didn't I think of getting stuff to make sandwiches this week while I was grocery shopping. Looks like today will be a Subway day - which is fine, lots of excellant choices at subway.

Well I better get on the road - talk to you girls later!!! Happy Tuesday!!!!

12/7/09

Dec 07 2009 08:59

Monday again! Why is it that everyone dreads Mondays, I am sure it's because we have to go back to work/school or our normal routine, but to be quite honest, I enjoy Mondays. It's almost like a fresh start, a new beginning & the ability to get back into your normal routine.

This weekend was amazing! I stayed home most of the weekend working really hard in the house, trying to get things organized & stuff for the holidays, and just in general. My house is pretty much spotless, with the exception of my bathroom. I rearranged my house - moved my bedroom furniture & then moved my home office to the other side of the house, ran the cable internet connection & drilled a whole in the floor, amoung other odds and ends. Such a breathe of fresh air not having my office in my bedroom anymore.

I went grocery shopping yesterday & got all my healthy food items & I am ready to get my weight back under control & where I need to be. I feel very sluggish & know that I will not let this conquer me. I have done it all before & I am taking control again!

I have also done a whole lot of thinking about the Billy situation this weekend and I have come to a sensible conclusion about a lot of it. I cannot change the past, I cannot continue to let the past hold me back from the future. I will file for no contest divorce due to costs & file for full custody (with visitation) and child support. This is the route I will go. If he dares to fight me on the boys, things will get ugly, I refuse to accept anything less than what the boys deserve.

As far as the other child is concerned - truth is no matter what way I look at it, he is my children's brother. This was not his choice, nor did he choose his name. Therefore, I will not hold it against him for being brought into this world the way he was. He technically is not named after my deceased grandfather, he is named after my son (which is wrong in my opinion), who IS named after my grandfather. Again something that isn't his fault. So basically what it comes down to, is that I will support my children and allow them to love their brother just as they do each other. I wouldn't want it any other way. I will talk about him in a very positive manner & I have even went as far as putting his name on their Christmas shopping list.

What are your thoughts and opinions on this???

Please don't miss understand what I am saying, I do not agree with any of what has happened, in anyway shape or form but I cannot change the past nor let it bring me down any longer. For this reason, I will try and accept it and make the best of it for my children's sake.

Well I must get back to work before I write a book...

12/4/09

Dec 04 2009 08:27

Thank goodness it's Friday - what a week this has turned out to be. It seemed to be the longest short week ever!!!!

Thank you for the words of wisdom yesterday. It makes perfect sense - I eat a peanut butter cup - I run or jumping jacks, seriously I would eventually get tired or realize that the peanut butter cups just isn't worth the jumping jacks.

I know that ultimately I am going to have to spend the money to get a divorce, it's just so frustrating to have to almost waste the money on something like that, when I am not in the wrong. I wish he would just divorce me already, but the thing is he continues to tell his father that he is moving to Pittsburgh & we will be back together in January - what a liar, first why would I even consider getting back together with him? Second, what about your girlfriend, does she know? lol

Oh well.... I guess I better get back to work. Thanks for listening to me once again.

And most importantly, I need to get things stable for the boys' sake, as much as I am a victim, I am a victim in the voluntarily, they were brought into this and deserve to have so much better in life. Even if all the money I receive for child support goes into their college fund, they deserve every penny.

Have a great weekend.

12/3/09

Dec 03 2009 16:13

Sometimes I wonder how the day gets so far away from me all the time, so much to do, yet it always seems like there is so little time to get it all accomplished.

I had a pretty rough day at work overall, sometimes things just get so frustrating.

I am extremely sleepy today as well, which may be the reason why every little thing seems to be magnified.

Yesterday I contacted the pre-paid lawyer service that I have through work regarding files for divorce & child support. That went a little rougher than I expected. After everything I've already been through they want a $2500 deposit just to start the process, it will most likely go up even more than that. I guess I didn't expect it to cost that much money. Not that I am surprised that it would be expensive, just didn't realize the possibilty of it being that much.

My frustration comes down to this why do I have to lose so much money, when I did nothing wrong, when does the punishment stop for me???? Honestly, I am not sure how much more of this I can take, I am starting to have a melt down.

Seriously, then I wonder why he married me under false pretenses, why even bother going there? None of it makes any sense to me at all. I guess I am just really over this entire thing & don't want any of it to bring me down anymore.

Moving forward, all this stress has caused me to eat peanut butter cups, I like peanut butter cups & for some reason for the time being they are making me happy. haha!!! That's just a little funny. But I need to stop finding happiness in peanut butter cups - can someone help me find a different way to become happy???? I need help from my girls. Someone please come rescue me from self destruction....

OK I suppose I should end here... Have a good evening everyone!!!!

12/2/09

Dec 02 2009 07:47

It's been a long hard few months in so many ways.

I am sorry I haven't been around capturing my thoughts, my struggles, my accomplishments, etc. I am also very sorry I've missed so long in your lives as well.

Truth is - I need my calorie count community, I need to journal & I miss it!

Lately, I have been traveling a bit more than I thought I would be, and when you miss entire weeks of your life, it seems a bit out of sort to get things back together. I have been to Seattle, Los Angeles, Wenatchee, and a few other more local places. It's been a fun ride, but also very busy & at times overwhelming.

I think the time has come that I am ready to proceed with the divorce. I am not sure if I journaled about everything with Billy Butthead Bloom or not, but back in July, I found out that he was living with a girl, the girl told my boys that the child she had was their half brother - her words "which means that you have different moms but the same dad" - and to quickly summarize it turns out that this child has my boys' middle names. The only names I specifically picked out when they were born & my youngest happens to be have his deceased grandfather's middle name. This is even a new low for him.

When I confronted Billy about this situation he denied the fact that the baby was his & stated that this girl (who isn't his girlfriend) was just joking around with the boys. Well over the weekend I found out that this baby has to be his considering the baby has his last name. The baby turned 1 year old in October. This means that the baby was conceived & born while we were together. I just can't even begin to tell you how I feel about this situation but I am sure all of you guys can imagine... Anyway - enough of that...

Moving forward - the boys both started wrestling a few weeks back - they have been enjoying it so much!!!! They are doing great - it's just amazing how wonderful those 2 little boys are and how lucky of a mom I happen to be.

My weight is still up - which I hate, but I am going to start logging like crazy & eating properly again, boy does eating out so often take it's toll on a person. Even while I was away working, I managed to hit the gym the best that I could, but with jumping back and forth between time zones, it wasn't an easy task when I had no energy.

I have so much more to tell you guys, but I think I'll leave it at that today, so I can get my butt to work.

Love you guys!!!!!

10/5/09

Oct 05 2009 10:08

Good Morning everyone!

I made it back from Seattle Washington... I am seriously messed up with time, but will be OK.

You girls would be so proud of me - my first business trip that I ate relatively healthy & exercised during the trip. Maybe not as much as I would have liked but regardless, I did great! I actually lost 2 lbs during this trip.

Washington is AMAZING!!! It is so beautiful there! I could so see myself living there someday. I had such a great time during my trip. The dentists were all so nice, it has been by far the most successful ground campaign I've been on thus far. I wasn't even stressed and the sights were out of this world! During the evenings in an attempt to stay awake past 5 Pacific time, I would go to local parks & beaches and just walk along the beach. So amazing! If you have facebook, you can check out the pictures that I took there.

Then on Thursday last week, I found out that I have yet another trip to the West Coast that I have to take next week. So I leave for Los Angeles, California on Sunday - Yuck! I am not looking forward to going there nearly as much! Thankfully it's only for a few days. But still this East, West, East, West, East thing is really messing with a girls ability to sleep!!!! I didn't think it would affect me this much, but it truly is...

Well I gotta get back to work, just wanted to give you all a quick update. I miss you all! Tonight is Zumba class, I cannot wait!!!!

9/23/09

Sep 23 2009 12:59

Long week so far...

I am sitting here on a conference call & had a few minutes to give everyone an update.

Sunday afternoon my cousin passed away, may he finally Rest in Peace. Tonight I will be driving to meet my family & attend his funeral. It's going to be extremely difficult.

I also found out on Friday evening that I will be going to Seattle Washington next week for work. I am a little stressed trying to get everything in order for the boys & myself for next week. But I think I am starting to get things in order. Of course going out of town tonight & tomorrow will put me a little behind, but nonetheless, I will get it all straightened out.

Although everything is going on and things have been completely out of wack, I still found some time to go to the gym last night & completed 35 minutes on the Elliptical machine & 35 minutes on the treadmill. I am going to try and hit the gym again on Thursday, Friday & Saturday before shipping off to Washington on Sunday morning.

A good piece of news that I can share is that my grandma was finally able to speak, she said to my mom "I love you" <--- something that melted my mom's heart, especially after the nurses just said that she probably won't be talking for another few weeks. So this was GREAT news.

Well I will journal again really soon. Bye for now

9/18/09

Sep 18 2009 08:07

Well today I am definately feeling the effectives of the working out I've been doing. My body is hungry & I've already eaten. I will give it until 9:30 - 10 til I get something more to eat.

I took a pretty intense class last night at the gym, I remember looking at the clock only 20 minutes, with sweat pouring down, that I still had another 40 minutes left to go, would I even make it - but I gave it my all & stayed right on track & did it! So exciting!

Strangely, random people that I haven't heard from in a while have been in contact with me the past few days. Last night I was sitting there & a person I went to highschool started talking to me. It was nice to hear from him, but seemed very odd, then he asked me to hang out the next time I come back home. I don't think I even hung out with him in highschool, nor did we really talk much in highschool, so it really threw me off, but I thought it was nice & maybe I'll take him up on that. But I am not really sure. Thank goodness I have about a month til I go back home & the other good thing is that I don't have to even let him know I am coming - haha! So I could totally post-pone it for as long as I want.

Other than that, I'll be hitting the gym tonight & doing my own thing, then again tomorrow morning for the Power 60 class again. I have some house work to do this weekend & want to plan out my meals & get a jump start on next week. Tonight I am going to a football game, tomorrow I have a picnic to go to with the neighbor & she did ask me to go out with her tomorrow night, which I am a little hesitiant to do, because I don't want the added calories from beer, but maybe I'll go just for a little bit...I don't really know.

But I better get my butt back to work...

Once again it's been FOREVER since I've heard from Billy, I just don't even get him, guess his life has and always will be more important that the boys' life. So sad, but unfortunately it's true. The best part is WE are all doing perfectly fine without him! WHOOP WHOOP!!!!! And it continues to get easier and easier...

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

9/17/09 2nd entry

Sep 17 2009 20:58

I just got home a little while from a Power 60's class, it was amazing, I had sweat pouring off of me - is is sick that something like that is making me smile at the moment??

I am really enjoying these classes, as it is such a rewarding challenge & I have everyone else that I am trying to keep up with, which is making me push myself SO much harder!!!!

9/17/09

Sep 17 2009 11:32

Hello Everyone!!!!

You girls would be so proud of me! I so badly wanted to journal yesterday but I was having some serious issues with my work computer that had me boggled down all day.

My exercise this week was as follows -

Monday - 30 minute lunchtime jog
Tuesday - 30 minute lunchtime jog, 10 minutes on the ellpitcal machine, 10 minute brisk walk on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the exercise bike & 20 minutes of weightlifting.
Wednesday - 45 minute lunchtime jog, 10 minutes on the ellpitcal machine at the gym & an hour long Zumba exercise/dance class.

I cannot wait to go to the gym again tonight. I am not going to do a lunchtime jog though, because I would like to have a little time to relax for a change.

My eating hasn't been horrible, but definately room for improvement, which is coming... Baby steps...

Regardless, I feel amazing with all the exercising & I want MORE!!!!

I just had a beautiful chicken salad for lunch, it was very yummy. Well gotta get back to work now...