kaaatie's Journal

doing good

Feb 24 2009 21:05

I'm doing good lately! A couple weeks ago I got up the nerve to step on the scale, for the first time since before Thanksgiving, I think. The number was high. The number is still kinda high, but it's strange, I feel okay. I feel relatively happy with myself when I look in the mirror lately. Maybe I've gained muscle? I'm 10 pounds up from the lower weight I've ever been. But now, I don't feel like I've got 10 pounds to lose. I know it's unrealistic thinking that all of that 10 pounds is muscle, but I still fit into all my pants, and I feel like I look... fit.

I've been a LOT better at just going with the flow of life too. Like, last Saturday, my family invited me out for lunch. I had already planned out my Saturday meals, but I was like OK, people in real life go out for lunch. I had a gooood lunch, filet mignon, garlic mashed potatoes, and broccoli at Granite City. It helped that I was kinda hungover (didn't have too wild a night though), so I woke up late, wasn't very hungry in the morning, so I just had an orange before lunch. Then Saturday evening, a friend called and wanted to get dinner. I had a wait a while, but we went to IHOP where I got the Harvest Nut and Grain Pancake Combo. The waitress messed up the order, so they gave me scrambled eggs, hash browns, and bacon with the pancakes, instead of just the scrambled egg substitute, but I gave the hash browns and bacon away to the guys I was with. Gotta love guys. I was too self-conscious to ask for the sugar-free syrup in front of my guy friends, so I just drizzled a little bit of the regular stuff. When I got home I logged all my food for the day, and I still came in under 1600 cals, even with the regular syrup and whole eggs! A lot of fat, but that's okay. It was nice. Even though I didn't get to eat freaking chocolate chip pancakes like the people I was with, I still ate pretty dang good that day. Man, I can't believe I wrote that much about a trip to IHOP, lol. I swear, my life is more interesting than that... really. So yeah doing good--hoping I'm not jinxing myself for making this journal entry, heh.

BAD WEEK

Feb 08 2009 10:41

Last week was the worst eating week ever for me!! Ugh, on Wednesday night I drank, and didn't to do bad, but I had a few pieces of pumpkin bread before I went to bad. Not terrible, but outta my calorie limit. Thursday, I had my normal "cheat" day, but then I smoked some and just kept EATING, it was a pretty bad binge. Then Friday night I drank, and was OK, just had popcorn when I got home. Then last night, ugh, I drank a lot, met up with some friends at the Fryin' Pan, had a crispy chicken wrap with fries. Then we went to my house to smoke, and as soon as my friends left I went apeshit in my kitchen. I actually took a jar of PB2, stuck it under the faucet to get some water in there to reconstitute it er whatever, and ate it outta the jar! Sooo bad, and then I puked and puked. Freaking gross. What is WRONG with me. So this week has got to be a good week. NO SUBSTANCE ABUSE until Friday. I am completely freaking out with food lately. This morning I got my period, so I'm hoping that had something to do with the bingeing, but I seriously gotta get it together. I feel so so so fat. My belly feels huge, and part of me wants to say "K, I'll just cut 200 calories from my normal 1600 every day this week" but I know that might just cause me to binge again. I wish I could just be a normal eater and not have my whole life revolve around food.

I'm just...so stressed. I have to start figuring out things for my field work next semester, and I'm wigging out. I'll have to work 16 hours a week for the internship, on top of the 37 hours of work I already have, AND 10 credits of school. I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do. Right now I barely get in my exercise. Ergh!!!!

Jan 25

Jan 25 2009 09:28

Sooo my ex got back together with his ex!! (not me, lol). Ah! She's 18!!! God, he is so fucked up about girls. I can't even be mad, because we weren't really doing anything, but naturally, it's a little upsetting. I've been alright though.... Except on Friday night I went drinking with my sister and her buds. I had a really good time, we went bowling then played pong at a friend's house. My sis was driving though, so she dropped me off at home at night. So I was at home alone at like 2:30 am and drunk drunk drunk. Weak moment!! I attacked a jar of peanut butter like a mad woman, then made myself sick (which was pretty easy, with the amount of alcohol I consumed). Got those damn broken blood vessels around my eyes again though, GROSS. 2 weeks of binge/purging in a row, that is really not good. So I'm not gonna buy peanut butter for a while again, it really is a bad trigger food for me. But last night I went out with some friends, and I didn't lose control. I went out to dinner and had a few drinks and went home and didn't go crazy for once. I'm gonna try not to drink this weekend, gotta make up for last week somehow. We'll see how that goes....

The gym has been packed since New Years', it's freaking annoying. But it's been good cause the elliptical machines are always in use when I get there, so I'm forced to get on the treadmill. I'm so terrible at running! And smoking doesn't help. I must look pretty pathetic trying to run, but I've had some damn good workouts, my calves are always sore the next day. I love me some endorphins.

drugs are bad

Jan 19 2009 19:06

Sooo last night after my freaking fourteen hour shift at work I went over to Jake's (my ex's) to hang out with him. No drinking, which is... different for him. So I we watched a movie and it was kinda awkward but it was good! I'm glad I can hang out with him without things getting complicated. We did smoke though. And then he kissed me goodbye which made me a little anxious and I decided to stop at the supermarket to pick up a chicken pot pie and some turtle cheesecake. UGH. This was the day after my "free" day on Saturday--I went too crazy on that day. But this time I purged, which I haven't done in a lonnng time. But now I have all these broken blood vessels around my eyes from puking too hard. I look like shit, it's gross.

Tomorrow all my friends are celebrating Obama's inauguration by drinking, but I'm supposed to work. I'm debating whether or not I should call in sick. I've never called in sick before, but that sorta thing makes me nervous. What if a coworker happens to see saw me? I don't wanna get fired! Also I should really stop abusing my body with booze. But god it's fun! Hrmmhrmm what to doooo, I guess I'll sleep on it.

Jan 18

Jan 18 2009 08:44

Waaah craziness. We out on Friday night and ended up getting sick in my friend's dads' car! I left my purse in his car too with all my money and phone and stuff. So we went to get it the next morning and I saw that I had a voicemail on my phone. It was this cop saying he had my car keys, which i didn't even realize I had lost. So I called him back and he said that my keys had been found near where a car had been vandalized-- the side mirror had been broken and there was dog crap smeared all over it. And there was dog crap on my car keys. I was like "Uhhh I don't know anything about that!" But I was wiggin out, and i had to go meet the cop and talk to him. It was all good, and I got my poopy keys back. After dealing with that my friends and I went to a Chinese Buffet to get rid of our hangovers. It was sooo good, so I decided to call it a free day. I ate way too much yesterday! I haven't done that in a really long time. But I feel kinda gross, I need to take care of myself better this week.

mmkay

Jan 06 2009 23:25

Heyoooo I'm at work right now. I lovelovelove my job. But some messed up shit has been happening between my clients... abuse-type things, very bad. And I have been letting myself get so emotionally wrapped up in it (maybe to distract myself from getting to wrapped up in my own stupid life right now?). I dunno sometimes if I could handle being a social worker. They say that social workers get "burnt out" after a few years, emotionally, and I could definitely see that happening to me, heh. Hopefully by then I'll have something else going for me.

I've been avoiding facebook at all costs, I'm getting so sick of my social scene, my "friends." See, I have no female friends. I LIKE hanging out with guys, but lately I feel like they just see me as a stupid girl... and I've been acting like a stupid girl lately, and I don't like it! They have this comaraderie that I'll never have with them, because I'm a girl. Sometimes I think things would be so much easier if I were a boy. UGH. I think I just need some female friends... some support, someone to vent to about this shit besides my sister, and cc! But I don't even know how to go about making girlfriends! I've been looking to join a cooking class or something, Fargo has none. Knitting class? No. I've only made male friends through work and class. I was thinking of joining some church thing, but I'm not even religious. How the hell do people make friends after college? I also found out that my best friend is moving 4 hours away for spring semester, and I feel shitty cause I'm realizing that I really took his friendship for granted. I blew him off a couple times to hang out with my ex. And now, I'll have no one. Eeyeah, I should not have started writing this, I wanna think about work drama again!!

In the past, this kind of emotional distress would have caused me to binge like a maniac. And I haven't, at all. Maybe it's just that my body is still working off all the holiday food, heh. Anyway, it's a good thing.

Another good thing: I made a profit selling my textbooks on Amazon! I was such a fool to ever sell them back to the bookstore. 120 bucks for 2 bucks, YES!

2009...yeah

Jan 02 2009 13:56

Things are so messed up with my ex! ARGH. New year's resolution #1: NO MORE HANGING OUT WITH MY EX. *cough* Basically...I had a pretty bad new years eve. I feel like crap now, and all my good friends are out of town, so I have nothing to distract myself with. It's gonna be a freaking LAME friday night. I hate feeling like this! I know it'll go away, but God it sucks.

Sooo Other resolutions/goals include: stop smoking, start running, cook something new every day. I've also resolved not only to keep my mice alive this year, but to build an obstacle course for them and teach them some tricks. At least my mice will hang out with me tonight!

more fat please!

Dec 22 2008 23:41

I can never get enough fat in my diet. I am definitely a volume eater. I need LOTS, so I also get the low-fat stuff, since it's also low calories. Like...why would I eat 2 tbsp of regular peanut butter when I could eat EIGHT tbsp of PB2 for the same amount of calories? But I need that healthy fat. Lately I've been eating cream cheese sandwiches just to get some fat in. My meals are so random.

Anyway...I got some pets! Three mice. I know, sounds gross, but they're so cute! One black, one red, one speckled. I bought some sunflower seeds as snacks for them--I'm trying to bribe them into trusting me and letting me handle them. I think I'm gonna eat some tomorrow though (the seeds, not the mice), I need that fat!

Annnd I'm gonna eat what on want on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I'll have no control over those meals anyway so there's just no point in trying to plan/count. Nooo bingeing though, I don't wanna ruin my holiday with that shiz.

happy holidays CC peeps!

Dec 18

Dec 18 2008 14:05

Kinda bummed that I didn’t do anything last night, being my first night off in a few days, since everyone was working and whatnot. I stayed home, had a little CSI marathon, and gave myself a home mani/pedicure. But…it was probably for the best, since my stomach was acting up in a big way. I think it had to do with this Walden Farms calorie free caramel dip I got this week. That’s the only new thing in my diet, I can’t imagine what else would be causing this…horrible gas! Sorry, probably TMI, but hell, we’ve all been there, right? It’s a shame cause I was so excited to try it out with some apples. I also added some to my PB2 banana wrap the other day. It tastes alright… I don’t think it’s worth it though. It’s expensive, it’s clearly wreaking havoc on my digestive system, and has kind of a weird after-taste. Lame!

My meals are kinda thrown off now too, cause I was suppose to go out to lunch with a friend today, which made me happy cause Thursday is normally my cheat meal day—we were gonna hit up this Cajun Café, which has basically noooo healthy options, and serves every entrée with this deliciously dense and buttery sweet potato biscuit. But then he had to reschedule til tomorrow…Friday, which is normally a drinking day, so I dunno how many calories I should give myself. I’m keeping today my normal 1600, but even that’s gonna be tough cause it’s my sis’s birthday and we’re going out to eat as a family tonight. I’ve got a healthy meal planned, but if we do dessert, it’s pretty much shot to hell. I know I don’t HAVE to partake, but really, I can’t pass up birthday dessert on my sister’s b-day, it would just put a damper on the whole event—for her anyway (she’s put on a few since going to college).

It sucks that I devote so much time to thinking about these things. I measured my waist this morning, and it was small, so I decided to work up the courage to step on the scale. 125.5. Meh. That’s high, but my waist is as small as it was when I weight my lowest. This is good, yeah? Maybe it means I’ve gained muscle? Hah. Or maybe it’s just a fluke.

I'M ALIVE!

Dec 15 2008 23:58

yesss, I am alive....barely. This weekend was freaking nuts. I dunno if you guys tune into the weather channel at all, but we had this enormous blizzard Saturday night til Monday morning. I tried to go to work on Sunday morning, got my car stuck in the snow. My uncle came and picked me up and took me to work, and my car was just kinda abandoned, blocking a driveway. The interstates closed, and no travel was advised on sunday, just cops and emergency vehicles. I got stranded at work and was there til this morning... Everything was closed yesterday and today, but I take care of disabled people, and all the apartments were understaffed so I was running around from apt to apt giving meds, making sure people were fed, etc.

The whole thing was really stressful, and it weirdly affected my eating. I didn't know how long I'd have to stay at work today, and with no more food packed, I raided the vending machines, the first thing when I woke up. 2 packages of those grandma's cookies. I've done worse, but it was still not normal, I never "binge" like that first thing in the morning. And never at work. I'm attributing it to my body's fight or flight response to the blizzard. I am not accustomed to north dakota winters!! A few hours late, I got my period, so that may have had something to do with it too. Other than that my diet has been OK. I haven't weighed myself in a REALLY long time, I'm just too scared. I feel like I look okay, but my pants are a little snug, argh.

In other news...my love life is really messed up! Been seeing my ex, things are... weird. STRESS. Gotta love that cortisol... or something like that.