katie_baby's Journal

cc ramble
Sep 16 2009 20:34

sometimes i feel like i'm just going to lose it. i feel like i need to do something productive or my head is just going to explode into a million tiny pieces of utterly wasted brain. i start to feel like my hands just need to be used. like i get this urge to sculpt a statue or something, just got to move. sounds like i've had a good dose of meth to the brain, but it's so much worse than that. its like my entire self is just screaming to make something. not everything in life can be so counter productive. i find myself cutting up fruit and storing it in the fridge and freezer just so i have something to do. the other day i cut up 3 cantelopes and stacked the bowls in the fridge. they haven't been touched since and they should be totally bad in another few days, but if i happened to have ten cantelopes i know that their would just be alot more bowls stacked in that fridge with no hope of being eaten.

i make meals i have no intention of eating just so i can do something productive and slightly creative. i just made tomorrow nights dinner. bowtie pasta,diced italian stewed tomatos, garlic, and 21 seasons (herbs). i ate a little cup of it because, face it, what the hell else am i going to do? I played a couple games of mah jong and some cake making game that was on our computer when we got it. I don't have the internet so i'm just typing this in word pad and i'll post when i can. anyways, i sit here, listening to stabilo "everybody" and mentally fighting a war with myself. the lazy side of me wants to search the cupboard for a book to read (again) even though theres not one decent book left unread, while the "calorie count addict" part of me, really feels that it would be both active and beneficial to get off my fat ass and do some of the exercises that i saved to my computer for reference. The very logical side of me is personally rooting for the exercise minded side to win. but.. I- AM- SO -LAZY. That is one of my biggest problems as of yet. the other is eating like a hog. So it's no surprise to any part of my brain that not exercising mixed with eating like it's goin out of style, has resulted in pounds upon pounds of excess katie.

Now i'm thinking that the song i'm now listening to tegan and sarah "i know, i know" would probably not be the best song to exercise to.. excuses, now THERE is something i'm good at. Great, in fact. I could probably bullshit my way out of a 12 gaurd encampment if i had to, lol!

truth be told i feel lonely. and fat. and bored.

today was my nephew 1st birthday party. a year has flown by and i have accomplished nothing. my entire life is flying by at record speed and i can't slow it down and the present me keeps letting the future me down at every turn. anyways, there were alot of people at the party that i haven't seen since my 115/ bleach blonde, days and it was just odd to be in that situation after so long. it was awkward at best but i got through it and i'm entirely glad that i went.

So in the past couple months two couples i know have had babies. these people aren't that much older than me.. so it's odd. of the first i used to be friends with the guy and the second i recently met, but it just seems like other people are making lives and having purpose and i cant even lose a pound to help myself out. 3 more girls i used to be friends with are pregnant too, one of which used to be my best friend and now shes getting married. joy.

It just seems like of our old group there have been three basic directions taken. the first, is a family route. These people (most of them) decided to pair up and make babies.. get married, the whole nine. The second is alot less flattering, the druggie route (i know, pretty self explanitory) these people, chose to not grow or sober up.. some of them also paired up but its entirely different. Some of the people i think fit in this catagory arent even on hard drugs but their still in a party mind set and have become back stabbers and liars. The third road is definently less traveled by, it's the catagory i would be in for sure.. the single- half lonely- and trying desperately to be a better person, route.. now thats a mouth full. the two or three people who are probably in this group with me haven't paired up with anyone in the old group or with anyone at all (that they've stuck with, anyway) these people are trying to get or stay sober, finish school... join the army, whatever the goal is. AND, if they are anything like me, they are finding that the high road is not at all without its pot-holes and dead ends. I personally have found that the high road is much harder. and its sad. more proof, in my mind, that karma doesn't exist. not in the way that alot of people think anyway. but THAT, is another rambling session entirely

anwayysss, lol

the end ;p

peace & love,

katie<3