katie_baby's Journal

what I wouldn't give..

Dec 07 2009 05:05

to have somebody as insane as me in my life! i swear man. Things are nuts right now, and i'm no exception. It's 5:00am here and of course i can't sleep.. because apparently i'm a total insomniac. So i'm laying down trying to sleep and (for lack of a better term) daydreaming about how much better my life could actually be.. when out of NO WHERE it occures to me that i don't know of any indian resturaunts in town and my family and I should really go have indian food next time someone gets paid and we can afford it.. (which likely will be never since paying the rent and phone bill this month put us at -17 dollars in the bank!) anyways so i randomly start thinking about this whole indian food thing and jump up because of course i now have to google indian reaturaunts and read reviews that are just ALL OVER THE PLACE. seriously, how can one person think that the food, service, and decorations of a place are terrible and then another thinks that the same food, service, and decoration are the most amazing they've ever seen/had? grr.. i don't get it. So anyway now i've googled and read reviews all that i can stand and i'm no closer at all to sleep so now i'm on here (even though i seem to be the only person in the world on cc right now) because i just don't know what else to do. Today we went to the thrift store and i got theis like 2 dollar shirt (that we really couldn't afford, lol) that is really cute, it's purple and a spaghetti strap. it's one of the ones that have the thin band of tight at the very bottom and it's long and then looser in the middle... anyway it's possible it could easily be worn as a dress (for a skinny person) and i know that 3 years ago i could really have pulled it off and it makes me so depressed that i don't even want to attempt to wear it until i'm comfortable as a dress. and it occures to me now that i'm actually writing this that it has been THREE YEARS since i could have pulled it off! THREE YEARS!! and that time is still constantly on my mind. I'm a memory addict! i sit and think of all the things that i should and shouldn't have done and i just can't seem to move on. i could really have had it SO good and now i'm just not sure that i could ever have anything like what i could have had then.. no matter how much weight i lose in a healthy way or how many drugs i pass on, i'm just extremely damaged goods and there's probably no changing that for the rest of my life. I'm not really looking for somone to reassure me that i'm wrong and that i'm not destroyed, just sending it into the void that is cc, ha

i remember when i could wear almost any kind of shirt and feel at least ok in it.and now i have to wear a sweater with everything because my arms are so fat. and i'm dwelling on this time in my life that i was pretty.. but i was only pretty for like a year! and for the rest of my life before and after that i've always felt fat. the sick thing is that on some level i felt fat even then. no where near as fat as i do now, of course. i've never been this fat before now! but it just feels really odd to me now that i've gone to such an extreme opposite!

how does anyone ever come back from this?

cc ramble

Sep 16 2009 20:34

sometimes i feel like i'm just going to lose it. i feel like i need to do something productive or my head is just going to explode into a million tiny pieces of utterly wasted brain. i start to feel like my hands just need to be used. like i get this urge to sculpt a statue or something, just got to move. sounds like i've had a good dose of meth to the brain, but it's so much worse than that. its like my entire self is just screaming to make something. not everything in life can be so counter productive. i find myself cutting up fruit and storing it in the fridge and freezer just so i have something to do. the other day i cut up 3 cantelopes and stacked the bowls in the fridge. they haven't been touched since and they should be totally bad in another few days, but if i happened to have ten cantelopes i know that their would just be alot more bowls stacked in that fridge with no hope of being eaten.

i make meals i have no intention of eating just so i can do something productive and slightly creative. i just made tomorrow nights dinner. bowtie pasta,diced italian stewed tomatos, garlic, and 21 seasons (herbs). i ate a little cup of it because, face it, what the hell else am i going to do? I played a couple games of mah jong and some cake making game that was on our computer when we got it. I don't have the internet so i'm just typing this in word pad and i'll post when i can. anyways, i sit here, listening to stabilo "everybody" and mentally fighting a war with myself. the lazy side of me wants to search the cupboard for a book to read (again) even though theres not one decent book left unread, while the "calorie count addict" part of me, really feels that it would be both active and beneficial to get off my fat ass and do some of the exercises that i saved to my computer for reference. The very logical side of me is personally rooting for the exercise minded side to win. but.. I- AM- SO -LAZY. That is one of my biggest problems as of yet. the other is eating like a hog. So it's no surprise to any part of my brain that not exercising mixed with eating like it's goin out of style, has resulted in pounds upon pounds of excess katie.

Now i'm thinking that the song i'm now listening to tegan and sarah "i know, i know" would probably not be the best song to exercise to.. excuses, now THERE is something i'm good at. Great, in fact. I could probably bullshit my way out of a 12 gaurd encampment if i had to, lol!

truth be told i feel lonely. and fat. and bored.

today was my nephew 1st birthday party. a year has flown by and i have accomplished nothing. my entire life is flying by at record speed and i can't slow it down and the present me keeps letting the future me down at every turn. anyways, there were alot of people at the party that i haven't seen since my 115/ bleach blonde, days and it was just odd to be in that situation after so long. it was awkward at best but i got through it and i'm entirely glad that i went.

So in the past couple months two couples i know have had babies. these people aren't that much older than me.. so it's odd. of the first i used to be friends with the guy and the second i recently met, but it just seems like other people are making lives and having purpose and i cant even lose a pound to help myself out. 3 more girls i used to be friends with are pregnant too, one of which used to be my best friend and now shes getting married. joy.

It just seems like of our old group there have been three basic directions taken. the first, is a family route. These people (most of them) decided to pair up and make babies.. get married, the whole nine. The second is alot less flattering, the druggie route (i know, pretty self explanitory) these people, chose to not grow or sober up.. some of them also paired up but its entirely different. Some of the people i think fit in this catagory arent even on hard drugs but their still in a party mind set and have become back stabbers and liars. The third road is definently less traveled by, it's the catagory i would be in for sure.. the single- half lonely- and trying desperately to be a better person, route.. now thats a mouth full. the two or three people who are probably in this group with me haven't paired up with anyone in the old group or with anyone at all (that they've stuck with, anyway) these people are trying to get or stay sober, finish school... join the army, whatever the goal is. AND, if they are anything like me, they are finding that the high road is not at all without its pot-holes and dead ends. I personally have found that the high road is much harder. and its sad. more proof, in my mind, that karma doesn't exist. not in the way that alot of people think anyway. but THAT, is another rambling session entirely

anwayysss, lol

the end ;p

peace & love,

katie<3

SO MY MAIL BOX HAS BEEN FULL!!!

Aug 14 2009 18:13

I feel so stupid for not realizing it.. and i've totally been thinking that everyone just up and stopped writing me! just to let you all know, i deleted a bunch of messages so it's no longer full and i miss and cant wait to hear from you guys! so i hope that you all haven't given up on talking to me, because i would love some messages! overdue or not

and thanks so much again kats meow for letting me know!

so its been a while

Jul 17 2009 16:25

since i got on here and really got into it. i dont know why but for a while now there has been something almost depressing about this site for me. and its soo funny because i used to feel like it gave me hope or something. i dont know. but anyways i've been just trying to log on occasionally to reply to some messages and see how the people who've been writing me are doing. today though, i got on and i really liked being on here again. i really couldn't tell you why. But suddenly there just arent enough messages in my inbox and i miss my groups and its a pretty decent feeling.

i am started to see, though, that i don't talk to the same people i did when i first started using this site. and i miss them. oh gosh and i just wish that my, as we so often call it "weight loss journey" was over. I feel like i'm never going to get there. and maybe i'm not. i mean not everyone who wants to lose weight does. I'm gonna keep trying though.. cuz what else could i possibly do? I'm not ok with myself and i'm not ok with self loathing, lol.

anyways, as usual, i could still use all of your support and i hope you'll message me.

and as always, good luck!!

REALLY SWEET! TAKE A MINUTE TO REEAAD!!

Jun 07 2009 01:40

So my mom made a copy of this and let me read it. I thought it was incredibly sweet and so i really wanted to share it with all of you. It was written by a woman named Regina Brett, 90 years old, living in Cleveland, Ohio. It said:

"To celebrate growing older, i once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written."

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone
Your job won't take care of you when you're sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
It's ok to get angry with god, he can take it.
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up your future.
It's OK to let your children see you cry.
Don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; god never blinks.
Take a deep breath, it calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will it matter?'
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone for everything.
What other people think of you in none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation, it will change.
Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles
God loves you because of who god is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it.
Growing old beats the alternative-- dying young.
Your children get only one childhood.
All that truely matters in the end is that you loved.
Get outside everyday. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
Yield.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

FRIENDS ARE THE FAMILY THAT WE CHOOSE FOR OURSELVES."

I absolutely fell in love with this one and i totally thought you guys would too. Oh and i just wanted to mention that i am THE best buddy ever because i did not copy and paste this i TYPED every last word exactly how its typed on the little print out my mom brought home. lol.

anyways,

i thought it was really sweet.=)

SHIT MAN!$$&#&

Jun 01 2009 22:31

I went to the doctor today and got weighed......

i GAINED FOUR POUNDS!

man, man, man

i am beyond depressed

motivate me?!?

SO new start tomorrow! GUESS WHAT?!?!

May 30 2009 01:14

hah so tomorrow i will be officially moved out of my old gross apartment and officially moved into my very tiny but very cute loft. me and my mom are going to go shopping and buy all new very healthy, low cal, and (for me) vegitarian foods and stock up man, because we are BOTH very dead set on this whole new life style we've got goin on. im so damn excited you don't even know! haha but by the way, i ate like a total fat ass again today, which i wont allow to happen tomorrow. im seriously just in a good mood right now. i feel like i just need something to happen that changes things, and i seriously hope that this is it.

gbkdsjghdsjkghsdlghdslghds

wish me luck!

@%$&*^#&% HELP!!

May 16 2009 20:35

HOLY SHIT. you dont even know. I just typed the LONGEST thing on here. Like a fucking desperate cry for help and just as i finished the page started messing up and then spontaniously closed on me! LOL.

dude i can't even feel sorry for myself! blah lol. Really guys it was like a novel. WEll actually it was only a few paragraphs.. but basically.

Let me attempt to sum it up. I've been eating nothing but horribly unhealthy food for like a week. and i cant stop. And I am SO sick of hating myself for getting this fat. I think it should be easy to lose this weight. because i want it SO much. but still i keep getting in my own way. Like I'm the only thing stopping myself from success in weight loss right? so i should just be able to buckle down and get out of my own way.. but i cant. or should i say i WONT. l I also had like a paragraph about how much it drives me crazy to get on the groups on here and read a post by a 13 year old 5'5 girl who thinks shes fat cause she weighs 95 pounds! please tell me you guys know the posts I'm talking about. when theres just these young girls who hate their bodies just because it seems to be what all women do these days. it just drives me crazy!

ok basically i just really neeed support from anyone willing to give it. and let me just say that it is very easy for me to feel completly empowered and think its totally possible for me to lose weight.. but usually only when i'm full LOL.

anyways, trust me the one i previously wrote was filled with alot more rambling and alot more self pitty.. but that one got deleted when i was seconds away from posting it! my head almost exploded lol. but this ones alot more calm. I know i just need to be rational right?

anyways.. If you took the time to read this THANK YOU very much! and if you actually have advice THANK YOU EVEN MORE!!

:) :) :)

The EVIL PINK CAKE FROM HELL

Apr 29 2009 13:10

So i have to do community service from like two years ago when i got caught stealing (totally stupid, yes i know) but its basically just tying up loose ends as i DONT ever steal anymore. Anyways im doing it at the salvation army (where they give out food) right? the thing is you can take some food home if you volenteer there, and all the ladies are sooooo super nice! but basically they always push food on me. mostly bread or some little sweets.. nothing TOO TERRIBLE. though sometimes hard to resist.. but thats only natural right?

Well today i end up coming home with this big BEAUTIFUL pink and white cake. Like its just soooo cute and looks amazing. When i was still there it didn't even look that appetizing. well i got home and showed it to everybody and just tried some of the cool looking i don't really know what, it looks like shaved chocolate only BRIGHT PINK. well basically it tastes like bomb white chocolate. guess what? LOL!! yepp i try it and instantly want to inhale the whole damn thing. Well me and my friend both take a slice.. pretty big slices since the cake is 20 feet tall lol. but my friends eating it and i start and my sister and her boyfriend dont even want any. And this cake is SOOO good right? well about three bites in i look around and realise that im WAY too excited about this damn cake. Like WAYYYYYY too excited. I mean im happy as hell eating this wonderful cake and look around to see two people who dont even want any and one whos eating it with about as much interest as you'd imagine someone eating dirt to have. needless to say i totally called myself on it. How could i possibly keep eating this evil thing with about a GUZILLION calories in every slice?!?!? Thank god i had the will power to stop, though i wish i'd had enough not to start in the first place. i know it doesn't seem like a big deal. but just picture me sitting there stuffing my face and smiling like an idiot over a PIECE OF CAKE. It was a low point i'll admit. Just that food made me that happy really depressed me. but i'm over it now. NO- MORE- EVIL- PINK- CAKE!! LOL

Oh and also one of the ladies at the salvation army asked me if i'd lost weight today! and told me i looked pretty! now the pretty thing they say all the time (most likely just out of kindness) but the losing weight thing.. now thats a first. I REALLY dont think i look or feel any skinnier.. but i'll take what i can get. I really hope that i am and that i do! but i'll be damned if i'm going to let that good feeling be taken away by an evil pink cake with a guzillion-trillion calories. hahaha. its so sad that i felt the need to write this isn't it?? but i just had to let you all know. i'm very proud of myself for stopping though... but soooo disappointed in myself for starting! I'm telling you though i'm gonna have to find a picture of this cake and put it on here somehow so you can all see what i'm talking about!!

too typical!

Apr 19 2009 11:50

so i started working out everyday.. which only lasted for three days (up until yesterday) so yesterday i wake up so ridiculously sick i don't even know what to say about it. needless to say i didn't go work out. today i woke up feeling even worse.. but i seriously want to go work out anyways, if i can make myself. ughhhh