kizzichan's Journal

I will do it!
Nov 06 2008 15:27

I will break out of the 140s!  I am tired of being ashamed to tell people how much I weigh!  I am exactly 140 pounds as of this morning.  It has taken me a month and a half, but I have finally managed to overcome starvation mode and begin losing like a normal person.  It was so hard to sit back and watch everyone else lose while I waited for my stupid metabolism to catch up!!  I know that 5 lbs in a month in a half is unimpressive but I had a lot of damage to my body to undo.

I am no longer obsessing over each and every calorie, afraid that 1050 will be the death of me.  I am healthy and strong and I will not let the eating disorder mindset overtake me again!

So, I set this goal: by my brother's birthday (April 18th), I will have lost all my weight to hit 125.  Even if it is slow, even if I want to give up, I will keep plugging away.  I am tired of looking back on the past and thinking why didn't I keep going with it?  I could be skinny now!  Well, I will be skinny, and I will weigh 125.

Oh, and I will NOT gain holiday weight.  No effing way.

HAHAHA A BLAST FROM THE PAST
Oct 28 2008 11:45

I'm eating a salad right now and the combination of little celery chunks and raisins was tasting so amazing.  I couldn't figure out why, it just was.  It seemed somehow familiar.  Then I realized it was totally the basis of ants on a log only without the peanut butter!!!  I haven't had that in YEARS.  *giggles*  I'm amused.

My body is so WEIRD!
Oct 23 2008 10:48

This only happened once before, but it's kind of how I lose weight.  I like, DON'T lose.  For ages.  And ages.  And then I get all pouty.  And think about quitting.  And then, bada-bing, overnight drops off 4-5 pounds.  Not kidding.  Quite literally OVERNIGHT.  And it's not water weight - it STAYS off unless I put it back on, but... WHY?

Anyway, not complaing TODAY, because I lost 3.7 lbs last night.  Yes.  I am SOOOO happy.  I have not weighed so little since sophomore year.  141.3 lbs!  *dances maniacally*  I was beginning to think WiiFit had it OUT for me.  Next stop - BMI under 24!

*sighs*
Oct 20 2008 21:04

Well it's been interesting.  TTOM just ended and I was hoping I'd be less bloated, but I look and feel fatter at the end than I did when I started.  I dunno.  Melissa says I look so much skinnier but I have a hard time believing it when I have to see myself every day.  She is really a good friend.  Also, because I was feeling discouraged about not losing any weight since I started CC, she told me that she once plateaued for 2 1/2 months while on Weight Watchers, and then finally began to lose.  She said my body needs to get used to what I am doing... that's probably true.  I just felt my ED mindset coming back today, is all.  I just... thought about would it really be SO bad to cut back on my calories, but when I'm only eating 13-1400, it really would be bad to drop below 1200 again.  I just am so discouraged again.  Oh well.  Shikata nai.

I guess there are other things on my mind.  Andrew and I talked the other day.  Essentially, he told me that he has had feelings for me for ages, which I never knew... and that now he believes that he's only hitting on girls at college because they're girls.  He said he likes them, but the problem is, he doesn't like them as much as me.  I told him that must just be how well he knows me vs. them, because what else was I supposed to say?  It's impractical even for a second - Philly's a long way from Illinois, after all.  I can't give up that place, it would break my heart again - I miss my family so much when I am away from Philly.  But I do like Andrew, I just think I like him as a friend, I dunno.  I don't want a relationship, I know that much.  Not right NOW, I mean.  Maybe someday.  I don't want to mess up his life, though - I know he is really taking this turn of events seriously.

I got my Japanese midterm back today and I got a 97.2, which was a dance-fest.  I know I should have gotten a 98 because something I did was right when the directions were unclear, but I didn't see the point in going to argue about one point on a test that was already an A.  :)  But that was good.  I am on my way to achieving my ultimate dream.  AND, I taught Meg a word yesterday.  We were both laughing over that, because she's taking the JLPT Level 1 and I'd be lucky to pass 4, yet I remembered a word she didn't.  Haha!

N... I have to eat more today - I got back to my WiiFit training and did a bunch of strength but I only ended up eating around 1100 cals.  THAT wasn't intentional.  I just couldn't hit 1200, I really did shove food down my throat.  Maybe in a few hours I'll get hungry (grimace).

On the plus side, my hair looks fabulous.

STUPID culture exam tomorrow.  *sobs*  I hope I do well, I hope, I hope, I hope!!!!

*~Rizu~*

Hooray, It's Midterm Time
Oct 14 2008 12:05

Actually, this is one of the times I think maybe Megan is right.  Perhaps I do belong in a seishin byouin.  Surely a mental hospital is a good place for someone who actually enjoyed taking her Japanese midterm this morning.  It's also fair to say it's a good place for someone who eagerly anticipated it.  What a psycho Japanese freak I am.  But it is my love.

What I am not looking forward to is the 150 pages of reading I still need to do for next Tuesday's culture class.  I'm trying to figure out a way to stay awake in there... so far this hasn't been so effective, although on one momentous occasion, I only fell asleep during the Japanese lecture three times.  That was indeed epic and certainly a record - last week's China lecture took me out at least six, which is really the strange thing about it, considering I think the Japanese professor is at least six times as boring as the China one.  Mr. Korea owns both of them, I've actually managed to stay awake during some of his lectures.  He's on tonight, so we'll see... I only have ten more pages in Everlasting Flower to read, which is kickass (uh, not the book, the fact that I'm nearly done).

Thursday-Sunday was kind of diet fail time.  I went home, and it's funny - now that I eat so restrictively here, I realize what terrible eating habits I used to have.  It's a wonder to me I wasn't actually FATTER.  I ate like a cow.  Well, at any rate, I didn't work out except for... maybe 1 day, maybe 2, I don't exactly remember, but I THINK I came in around 1500 or maintenence at least.  I shouldn't have gained, although I do feel chunky right now, but I dunno... I've been feeling weird lately.  My stomach hurt randomly a few days ago.  Maybe it is TTOM but I'm not sure; it's not like I log these things.  THAT would be awkward.  *phails*

I'm really stressing over that midterm... and I haven't been able to find anything that's even remotely appetizing to eat anymore.  Tonight I'm making my own dinner of chicken salad - the dining hall is just... yuck.  I looked up calories in their desserts last night - some had over 900 calories apiece.  The winner, at just under 1000, was some sort of peach pie.  I just can't feel good about eating anything there.  Today I'm going to take an hour or so walk, then probably do more reading.  I know I should be reading so I feel bad leaving the room to exercise, but it's SO necessary.  Oh well.  Shikata nai.

<3 Kizzi

2 lb loss!
Oct 09 2008 15:47

Yes, I know, I shouldn't have been anywhere NEAR 146 last week, but it was cookie time at my house over Rosh Hashanah break.  Anyhow, I finally took off the stubborn inch or whatever had accumulated around my thighs, so I'm right back on track after that massive derail.  Down to 144 this morning - 143.5 when I stepped on at noon before I'd had breakfast.  (I'm a late sleeper!)  That 143 was miraculous... last time I remember being 143 it was maybe sophomore year of high school.

And last night Megan told me my new haircut makes me look sexy, so things are good all around.  I lol'd when she said that, I was like when did that happen???  Andrew agreed with her, only he's not the kind of guy who would use the term "sexy" to describe me, so he said cute, but I'm glad that they liked it!  Tonight I'm going to book club with Trevor for the first time in about 5 months and I MISSED him.  Yeah, I did.  Hearing his voice was good... I know he's a lazy boy and didn't call me to keep in touch, but then, I didn't call him either, so I can't blame him entirely.  It'll be nice to see Anna and the other kids, too.  Ano...... OH!  Laney and I are going to get coffee after she finishes school tomorrow, then probably out to the movies.  I really want my ear pierced again so maybe I'll drag her up to the mall theater and get that done.

I FEEL HOT!!!

キッジ

I'm hungry.
Oct 07 2008 13:09

ZOMG.  Today is one of those days.  Like the kind where I'm starving even though I had 2 servings of cereal and a two-egg omelette?  Well, it's 1:10 right now and I'm about to trek on down to the caf and pick up a California Roll.  That's only like 360 cals, so I'd still have quite a few left over if I want another meal later and a snack or two.  Fortunately, it's also one of those days where everything I ate was dripping with health, so I'm actually only at 500 calories.  That's amazing, because I'd planned the omelette for my lunch, but I'm just TOO hungry.

I'll weigh myself eventually.  I'm thinking about not doing so until the October Challenge weigh-in... I need a break from these disappointing numbers.

COOKIES
Oct 02 2008 00:22

ZOMG.  Well I was like, I never eat cookies, ne?  I deserve some... well I ate like five a day.  Yeah, it shows.  BLARG!  Well I will just get right back to the diet tomorrow but... I'm angry with myself.  It's hard to start over.  Like I feel like I DESERVED those cookies.  I went on hour walks every day but one and yesterday I hiked for two hours but STILL I think I put on weight.  So frustrating.  And I was looking so good...

Finally lost something!
Sep 22 2008 00:16

YES!  *does the victory dance*

FINALLY!  Stupid calorie increase made me gain like a pound and a half, but thankfully I'm right back to where I'd started, at just under 145!!!!  Let's hope this trend continues - my new "healthy" lifestyle has me feeling good a LOT, never hungry unless it's meal time, and I looked at myself in the mirror today and realized I did not look bad at all in my yellow tank top (I'd never thought it looked good alone before).  Maybe the pounds aren't coming off so fast but I think the inches sure are.  :)

Day Three!
Sep 18 2008 20:04

Well, it's day three!

I've been accomplishing things in the food department, but the exercise department might be throwing a monkey wrench in the whole plan.  See, today I took basically a three hour hike.  I'm pretty sure three-hour hikes were not in the calorie plan, but at least I ate some disgustingly high-cal General Tso's pork and rice stir-fry for lunch and a nice healthy grilled chicken sandwich and salad for dinner.

In all honesty, I think it was the pork that sparked the desire to take the hike.  Yesterday I went for a nice walk in the woods after dinner for about an hour and enjoyed it immensely, so today I thought I would try that again.  After lunch, I was like ZOMG I JUST ATE A TON and decided to walk some of it off.  By the time I got back I realized I had only been gone for 45 minutes.  I had been shooting for an hour, but... whatever.  But then I got back to my room and I was bored bored BORED.  I don't even remember what I was doing!!!  (Actually, that's weird.  I should remember stuff like that.)  Oh, probably writing notes on Facebook.  Hehe.  But I started to get the walk urge (it was SUCH a nice day today!) and so after about an hour I was like I can't wait any longer.  So I left on a hike.

I ended up going down the nature trails behind campus - walking up the paths that go right on up the mountain!  I was texting Sam the whole time and I actually ended up going all the way to the top and it was so awesome.  I love hiking.  I ended up being out until 4 so all in all it was about 2 hours and 45 minutes of walking/hiking exercise today, which is pretty great!

So I'm talking to Megini online right now and she's teaching me obscure Japanese verbs (I don't know on what occasion I will EVER need to use these phrases but...)  とてもエロエロ 397;。  Like seriously?  エロエロおっぱ 356;をもむ???????  HOW is that useful?!?!?!  O_o  It is, however, completely what I would expect from Megan.  What truly amazes me is that she somehow managed to find this in everyday conversation, as opposed to looking it up as I would have expected.  <3  Oh, but today was awesome 'cause our katakana quizzes came back and I got a 100!  :)  Haha and I just noticed this site doesn't like me typing in Japanese.

I just weighed myself.  I'm absolutely at a loss.  So I eat 1000 calories a day and work out and the scale doesn't budge.  I up my calorie intake and continue working out and I gain 1.1 pounds.  LIKE WHAT THE HECK!  I don't know WHAT TO DO!