kmk33's Journal

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Dec 01 2009 20:35

Enjoyed laughing at myself today as I tried to remember my gym routines and find my rhythms...at least today I made it into the weight room with everything I needed from my locker :)

Day One, Again

Nov 29 2009 14:29

Today I reset the clock on how many days it's been since I've been to the gym!

It's funny, starting these journal entries is as awkward as starting back into my gym routine. My emotions are a bit rattled and my fingers keep typing/ deleting/ typing/ deleting.

The Rachel Cosgrove book I'm reading is good for where I'm at right now. Her writing seems to meet me right where I am. The whole "Fit Female" catch phrase and "B.I.T.C.H." acronym are a little cheesy and not generally my style, but the description, the testimonies, and the rationales have a very approachable tone. Sometimes I can get turned off by too much cheer-leading and self-help sounding verbiage. As I read this book, it feels conversational: as though she pictures a small group of women-on-the-verge as she writes and not a lecture hall. It feels safe - silly as that may sound.

As I was doing the first workout today, I appreciated that she didn't try to kill me! It was a gentle but challenging re-entry into the workout world. Most of the exercises today were with body weight today, but I feel like I can add some weight next time.

With each exercise I was both saddened and hopeful. It's difficult to look in the mirror, feel the fit of my clothes, sweat without using much - if any weight, and not be reminded of who and where I was when I last went to the gym routinely.

The emotions surrounding the events that have gotten in my way are overwhelming, and I had to face them today in a new way. They will take work and determination to rise-above, reshape, and work through. On the other hand, as I watch my body grow stronger over the next several months I will be doing the work of recovering. Knowing this does not make it easy. It is instead a new motivation. I'm grateful to have a history of strength to recall.

Today was a success; I look forward to more.

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Nov 27 2009 16:38

Finally, I'm ready to re-engage with the gym. It's been since May that a weights workout has been part of my regular routine. To help me take on this challenge I purchased Rachel Cosgrove's new book: The Female Body Breakthrough. This entry is my response to the questions / inventory on pages 56 and 58.

Q: Why did you pick up this book?

A: I picked up this book because I'm a huge fan of the author's husband and the work they do together at their gym. They are advocates for women to lift challenging weights, maintain a healthy diet - which does not mean starving, and are aware of how time is an issue for most folks to stay fit. Weight lifting became something I loved and it's time to let myself love it again.

Q: Bottom line: Are you ready to change and become the person you want to be? Are you ready to do what it takes?

A: This one is hard for me to answer. In many ways I still feel fragile from all that happened in the past six months or so. I am in many ways already the person I want to be. I am physically and mentally ready to get make room for the gym again. As for changing my current eating habits - I'm not fully ready to make the substantive changes today. My hope is that getting back into gym rat mode will help me reduce the slight depression that lingers and regain that motivation to be my healthiest self.

Q: Why now?

A: Today I see that it is possible. Today I can remember how good it feels to lift heavy weight. The in-laws are both stable, my spouse is making huge strides in his health, I've learned the rhythms of the new job and am no longer routinely staying at work from 7 - 7. Balance is returning and I'm ready to proactively continue the process.

Q: What has kept you from following through and making these changes in the past?

A: I think I answered this above. Life just got in the way, big time, and I didn't have the strategies or the where-with-all to make it all work. On the other hand, I have been successful at this before and even though I've let go, I haven't let myself go completely. This should be doable.

Q: Are those obstacles still a problem?

A: Yes, just not as big a problem. Odds are we will lose my father-in-law in the near future - he's stable now, and lived longer than we were told to expect. There are still significant issues to work through with other family members, and the job is still new - with one new curriculum still on the horizon to create.

Q: What motivates you?

A: The desire to feel and be healthy and strong and in control again.

Q: Define what being fit means to you? How will you know when you've reached your goals?

A: Being fit is being able to walk up the hill I live on and feeling exhilarated, not exhausted, fitting comfortably in my pants, feeling rested, feeling full body tired, being able to complete chin-ups again!

Q: Are you ready to do what you need to do to meet this goal?

A: I am ready to make time for three full on workouts each week, and to plan my meals and snacks.

Q: What are you not willing to do? Will this effect you reaching your goal?

A: I am not willing to give up my glass of wine. I am not ready to meticulously count calories again. Since my goal right now is to get back in the habit of the gym and not necessarily to lose weight, I believe I reach my short term goals with these exceptions.

Q: How will you know you are fit?

A: I will feel like myself again.

Q: What will drive you to do what it takes?

A: The memory of what it feels like to be fit, energetic, and alert.

Q: Write your own mantra:

A: "A strong outside strengthens the inside." (borrowed from book) More than a mantra I have the image of my strong shoulders in mind, and how strong I felt inside and out at that time.

Steps toward my goal:

1. Recharged and refilled my mp3 player.

2. Reading book and setting attainable, measurable goals

3. Gym time scheduled: Saturday/ Tuesday / Thursday. Leaving work by 4:30 on these days.

Next steps:

1. Make log for workouts

2. Check gym bag for clothes, lock, gloves, shoes

3. Get butt to gym!

Flu

Nov 04 2009 12:53

Ugh. I've been attacked by the flu. Most certainly one of the hazards of my job is the constant interaction with delightful young people who carry the nasty germs of whatever illness is in vogue. Usually I fair pretty well, but I think the stress of the last several months made me more vulnerable than usual.

For the first time in my career, I've missed three days of work and will miss a fourth. I don't think I've ever missed that much over the course of a year. Ugh.

Good news: My fever has been low with the virus mostly attacking my lungs. This is considered a light case and will still immunize me when harder viral attacks come later in the year.

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Oct 10 2009 10:05

I can't believe I've been in the classroom for a month! There's a lot to celebrate about the transition. One reason I decided to make the move was because the admistrative team in the new building has an amazing reputation for instructional leadership and the teachers that I know who work there are eager to continue improving their craft in the classroom. I've been very hungry for this. Of course, you never know for sure until you're there. HOORAY - it's true! It's true!

In the first week of school, before students are back, teachers spend most of their paid time in meetings. For us, this is usually pretty frustrating because there is so much to be done in classrooms - setting up the physical space, arranging materials that are personalized to students, researching students (writing teachers often pass along student work from their previous year), and of course lesson plans! For the first time in my career I felt like these meetings were valuable, focused on improving student learning through effective teaching, and not a waste of my time. Of course - there was still all of the other work to be done, but I didn't resent the amount of volunteer time.

The team of LA / SS teachers that I'm working with are, for the most part, like minded in their approach toward learning and teaching. Yesterday, for the first time, we were able to spend the day together to get some planning done. Three of us are new to the school so we're still getting to know each other.

One of the odd things about teaching is how little teachers interact with each other. We're each alone in our classrooms with students, so establishing relationships with colleagues can be tricky. Because of how spread out we are in a large building, I'm lucky if I see my team-mates twice in a week as we pass each other in the hall.

Having a full day together was a luxury and it was such a great day! We accomplished a lot in terms of planning, each bringing different expertise to the table AND a shared excitement to share materials, resources, and project ideas with each other. Best of all - we really get along. We went to lunch and were able to hold a conversation pretty easily that had little to do with work. There was a lot of laughter and joking and it just felt really comfortable. Our conversations around teaching confirmed that we're all there because we think teaching is important, not because we can take summers off.

Another reason I wanted to make the change to this school was the opportunity to work with older students. Having worked with sixth graders for so long, I was a little nervous that I'd forgotten how to work with older students. All of the worst images of 13 year olds crowded my mind as I waited for school to start - ahhh, insecurity.

It turns out that I remembered correctly - I LOVE EIGHTH GRADERS! Not only are these students well prepared by the teachers they've had before, they are ready to do more, learn more, and they are letting me push them in that direction. They have a great sense of humor, and many of them appreciate my sense of humor, which is nice. They can write and reflect and hold a conversation about a book. And they read books that interest me, which makes reading for work a lot more enjoyable. And I haven't had one student cry, roll on the floor, or staple their own finger - lol.

The most difficult thing about this change is missing my old community. Recently I went back to my old school, which is just a mile or two away. The strong sense of family and community hit me like a brick and I realized how many people I'm connected to there. Three of my closest friends who taught with me there also left, so I didn't think of it as a place I would miss as much. Students swarmed me, including some of the boys, giving me hugs and high fives. One girl saw me from down the hall and barrelled toward me - almost knocking me over with her hug. I knew I missed the kids, but I didn't think they'd miss me that much. It was wonderful!

A few parents were in the hallways and they hugged me, asked how things were going, gave me the update about their kiddos. It was so nice to be known, to be familiar - I feel a bit like an alien at my new school, even though I'm working hard to build relationships. It was nice, however, to be reminded that the phone calls, e-mails, conversations in hallways will pay off.

And, of course, other teachers. What's nice about the teacher connections is that we've made an effort to get together a few times in the past few months. Last night being one of reconnecting. Being steeped in community feels so good that it's hard to walk away. I realize how special those friendships are, how much has been invested in them, and how easy it is to be around each other.

It also makes me aware of how lonely I can feel right now: the new job, as well as it's going, still means that I'm in the phase of making friends, not having them. At home, my sweetie is needing to be focused on himself and his parents, and while we're making efforts to stay connected, it is different. It's hard to watch him struggle and hurt and not be able to help.

So, I guess it's a week of mixed emotions and powerful reminders.

I'm grateful for good friends, and good friends in the making.

What I learned teaching PE this week.

Sep 20 2009 08:38

This semester I'm teaching PE to middle school students. It's a new experience for me - we're short staffed in the PE department and a bunch of us LA / SS teachers are taking on one section of PE. While there is more to be written about the humor of my teaching PE class, this week I had an experience that reminded me what a truely powerful and enigmatic tool the scale is.

Part of the curriculum is to weigh each student. It was a very enlightening experience. As each student stepped on the scale, and this was done one-on-one, not in front of other students, they had one thing in common. Each was insecure and wondered if what they weighed was okay. This was true across a wide variety of body types.

It was a pretty powerful experience. One I wished more of us could have, because weight is so private and so personal - and that makes it secret and secrets feed insecurities.

I'm excited and nervous about the opportunity to work with students in this manner - nervous mostly because the athletes are looking for sports and I will be learning the sports this semester. The excitement is because I am so interested in fitness and nutrition as components of physical education, and I believe so strongly that knowledge is power - especially in the realm of our physical health.

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Sep 02 2009 22:49

So far so good! The return to work has been better than I thought. While there has been "the question" I've learned a few things: 1) when I respond with "It's been busy," and then re-direct the question to the asker, they grab the cue and go with it. 2) Those who knew the summer started out with issues have gently inquired and it's been nice to know they care and remember; AND I've been good about not dwelling too long on the details.

There are still challenges and I'm still more emotionally fragile than I'm comfortable with, but I haven't broken down into tears and I'm feeling more in control of my emotions each day.

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Aug 24 2009 19:05

I earned my trophy! My HRM has an exercise program option and when I complete 75% or more of my weekly goals I earn a trophy. The last time I earned one was the week I bought the moniter, at the beginning of the summer. This little animation on my watch feels great because it symbolizes more than working out, it means I beat my emotions!

Today I also enjoyed the long walk home from my new school. It's about a mile and half further away from my old school. The bus actually stops right in front of the building! My feet hurt and my spirits feel great.

Accomplished a lot today - tried to get pics up, but couldn't figure out the url for a photo on my pc. Argh. I'll just say that the last of the horrible purple has been eliminated!!

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Aug 20 2009 09:55

It's been so long since I wrote a journal entry it is hard to know where to start.

As summer comes to an end and I am seeing more folks from my work-life I am discovering a deep dread of the very polite question, "How was your summer? Did you do anything fun?" My insides turn and churn and my tear ducts open and threaten to let loose on the poor, unsuspecting, kind person who just asked a very reasonable question. Still, I want to either pour my guts out and collapse into a puddle on the linoleum or punch something. Neither of these seems fair to the speaker.

It's been a summer of enormous change, of life and death, of beginnings and endings. The sun brought with it multiple ambulance rides, long nights in the ER holding the hands of loved ones through their horror, fear, confusion, anger, contriteness, and courage. We've been the parents of his parents as they have quickly, violently, and simultaneously lost their independence never to regain it. They've each defied death more than once in the past months. We've all cried and cried and cried.

It's so much to bear - the well being of others.

Last Monday his dad had another "close call," it seems such a trite term now. Recovery has been slow, but it is happening. He asks every day about when he can go back to his apartment. Everyday we say the same cruel truth, "Dad, you need more care than you can get in the apartment. You can't go back to the apartment. Do you remember, we've talked about this?" I understand better now what my parents meant when they would say, "This hurts us more than it hurts you."

I spent a few days with mom shortly after this. We flew to visit family. Her mom is sick - Alzheimer's, too - and my dad's dad is sick - his body is failing him, his mind is faltering. I was not sure I could handle more, but the experience was good. There was a lot of time with aunts and uncles and cousins and their children. It was a joy to eat breakfast with my mom and her mom each day. Her mom was doing better - new meds - when we left. I got to see her as herself. I sobbed when I hugged my grandfather good-bye. Tears are falling as I type this now.

The thing that sticks with me the most is the sense of belonging. Not belonging, as in I belong to this family - I think I always know that. Belonging, as in there are others who speak the language of nursing care, and doctors visits, and confused scared parents, and DPoA, and frustration and love and loneliness. For those few days there was community. And then it was gone. And the loneliness - which is so absurd since everyone gets old, dies - but it is still lonely and painful and hard - the loneliness just grabbed hold with a ferocity.

And now school is starting. A new school, new teachers, new room that was going to be my fun project and has turned into a nightmarish thing I have to do, new students, new classes...new. And I am not ready. I am not ready to be strong and firm and funny and well prepared and emotionally stable.

I am scared.

Scared that I'll just start balling in class. Scared that as I write with my students all I'll have to talk about is death and sickness and struggles.

And then the tears dry up for a moment. I know I'll manage. I know I'll find other topics for writing, and that will be good for me and them. There are friends, wonderful friends. And there are a few family members who can help - of course they are elderly, too, so we're careful in what we ask and how often. There are wonderful care-givers where they are now and there's an incredible sense of security that comes with that. And there's John. We hold each other up quite well.

The fear ebbs, for now. Back to work: cancel their cable, have a visit, take a long, long walk, and maybe meet a friend for lunch. Hug my husband. Be hugged.

It feels good to write.

Edit: caught a few more spelling / punctuation errors...I'm sure there are more...

Day 1

Jun 28 2009 19:17

Today I started over. I went for a long walk that felt great. I counted calories for the first time in over a month. And I've made a plan to get back on track. My goal is to lose ten pounds between now and Sept. 10th. That will put me at about 120lbs, and I'm intending it to be a muscular 120.

To meet my goal I will have an average deficit of 400 calories each day. One long walk on a mostly flat surface and pace of 4 miles per hour will burn that 400 calories. I've got several routes I can take from my apartment and this should be a minimum burn for a walk that is between 60 and 90 minutes.

I'm also planning to restart NROLFW. I loved it the first time around and I'd like to go through it faster this time. I know my body better now and I can add weights to my daily walk, and on non-weight days I can increase pace and add hills. I'm excited to take advantage of the summer weather for this! I know this coming week is full with classroom and family related activities and appointments so I will start back on the weights next Monday.

The benefit of summer for me is that any work I do is strictly volunteer. And, while I have some major renovations to do in my new classroom and some reading I want to do to help me prepare for the new curriculum, I can decide my hours. This not only helps me make time for exercise, it also helps me make better meal and snack choices.

I have created a pretty simple excel spread sheet where I can calculate my daily deficit and project my weight loss trend. I'll be ordering my new heart rate monitor at the first of july - my old one is dying and I've wanted to upgrade for a while. And I'm back on this web site. These are some good steps.

As far as life's curve balls are concerned, all I want to say publicly is that my in-laws are elderly and it's a dramatic understatement to say that they have made several poor decisions related to their health. The past week will have life long implications further jeopardizing their independence, assuming they will be able to leave the hospital / skilled nursing facility.

John is doing better, and this was really tested with the latest emergencies involving his folks. Our spirits are much improved, but I anticipate this will be a roller coaster we continue to ride. I know several NROLFW ladies have had aging and ill parents and I'll be soliciting your wisdom. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with this and the added element of CS religious beliefs (in-laws, not us)?