kukua's Journal

wow it's been a long time since I posted.
May 26 2009 04:40

Title says it all.  It's been agest since I've posted on here.  I have been keeping a journal (as in, an actual journal - on paper and everything) instead, to try to keep my food decisions rational, and not emotional or reflexive.  I'm surprised to find that it's actually working....most of the time.

I'm still not counting calories, although I still look at calories when I'm making/buying something.  I just don't record them or keep a daily tally.  It's working well for me.  I gained weight at first, but I've lost a bit since then.  I've been working out in our gym at work 3-4 days a week too, which I'm really enjoying!

I had stopped weighing myself completely for awhile, when I stopped counting calories, to try to get myself thinking more about health and less about numbers.  I was getting completely obsessed/discouraged/self-destructive for awhile.  But, last week I joined a "biggest loser" competition at work, so I'm back to weighing myself once a week.  I'm going to try to keep an eye on it though - if I start to notice myself getting upset again if my loss isn't enough, I'll drop out and quit weighing in again.  I don't want to go back to that state of mind.

Today is the start of week 2 of biggest loser and I"m down 2 lbs from last week.  Woot! :)

Eating experiment
Apr 24 2009 12:44

So the food side of it is going okay - I'm still eating a few bad things, but even those are mostly good quality (if high calorie) baked goods, and less packaged nutrionally-void garbage.

I haven't weighed myself yet as I'm going to wait until my period finishes so I can get a true sense of how I'm doing.

Now, however, I want to start focusing on the exercise.  I was doing really great before going to Jamaica, getting on the eliptical every day, even if it was only for 10-20 min.  Most days was at least 30 min.

But, since I've been home, I've been pretty bad - I've hardly worked out once!  So, my next step is to get back on the machine, again telling myself to just do 5-10 min at a time, throughout the day, and that even 5 min is better then nothing.  Nothing puts me off exercise more then the thought of a 40 min stint all at once lol.

I also know I need to up the weights.  All I have at my house is 5lbs weights which are next to useless for all but 1 or 2 exercises.  I won't be checked out to use the free gym at work for another couple of weeks though, which is frustrating.  I'd buy heavier weights, but if the gym is going to be available to me soon, I'd rather save my money.

So, I think I'll just focus on the cardio for the next 2 weeks and get in the gym as soon as I possibly can for the weight side of it.

I have no idea if I'm going to be able to make my goal of 15 lbs before my sister's wedding at the end of May, but even if it's only a few lbs, I have to keep remembering that it's all a step in the right direction.

If only I wasn't trying to lose weight I've already lost once before.  That's so depressing lol.

Tired of counting
Apr 20 2009 21:35

So I'm starting to notice a disturbing trend - I am often choosing my foods based purely on the total calorie count, and not on overall nutrition.

So, instead of a sandwich made with 12 grain bread and home-cooked chicken, veggies, etc, I'll eat a low-cal frozen dinner, or pre-packaged white pasta sugary meals.

I know that I'm better off eating more calories with good quality homemade meals and getting all the nutrition my body needs, as it'll actually keep my metabolism higher and I'll probably lost more weight in the long run.  But, if I have to write down the numbers, I have a hard time justifying it in my head.

I think I might take a break from the counting, and just focus on getting the majority of my foods from fresh foods, veggies, fruit, etc.  I need to start listening to my body and when I get a craving, instead of worrying about the calories in something, I want to focus on the health aspect instead.  If I STILL crave it, I'll try eating a piece of fruit and drinking some water first.  And if I STILL crave it after that.....well hopefully eating the fruit first will help me keep the portion small.

I'm going to keep my food log going, but just so I can monitor the quality of the foods I'm eating - I won't write down the calories.

Wish me luck! :)

change your way of thinking
Apr 19 2009 22:40

So I had an interesting thought tonight.

So many times in the past, I have gone a few days/weeks/months eating really well, sticking to my calories, allowing myself occasional treats without guilt, and generally following a healthy lifestyle.

But then something will happen and I'll fall off the wagon, eat fast food every day for a couple of weeks, and basically undo all the work I've just done.  When this happens, I generally get really down on myself, and one of my most common self-bashing thoughts is "you obviously don't really want or deserve to be healthy and thin because every time you start a new plan, you always end up failing".

So lately I have been trying to think of it as more of a process and allowing myself to slip without feeling like I've failed or that I'm giving up, but that doesn't always work.  I still am often plagued with self-doubt.  The more times I "fail", the less I really believe I'm capable of success.

So today, I was thinking of all these negative thoughts I tend to beat myself up with and I started to think that it's all in the way you look at it.  I might give up every time I start, but on the other hand, every time I give up, at some point I start again.  So, if we flip the statement around, I obviously DO really want and deserve this because everytime I fall off the wagon, I always get back on.

I guess it's all in the way you twist things.

yikes!
Apr 13 2009 07:33

So, my first mini goal was 15 lbs in 9 weeks for my sister's wedding.  I now have 7 weeks to go and 20 lbs to lose thanks to my all-inclusive vacation lol.

Ah well - it was totally worth it. :P

Back to reality!

Home
Apr 12 2009 01:30

Ugh.  Home from holidays. :(

I really REALLY didn't want to leave - Jamaica was SO amazing.  Nothing but sun, sand, and all you can eat/drink lol.

I'm a little scared to step on the scale and I'm thinking maybe I'll wait a week before I weigh in as I'm sure a week of high volume food won't give me a very accurate reading.  Or, it WILL be accurate and therefore depressing lol.

Ah well, back to reality.....

Jamaica! Woot!!
Apr 04 2009 22:10

I'm so excited!  I'm leaving in about 30 min for the airport!  A week of sun, sand, and all the food/liquor I can drink for free!  Wow, this can't possibly be good for the diet.......and I don't give a rat's a$$ hehe.

See you all in a week!!

Breakthrough??
Mar 30 2009 21:27

So, I gave in to temptation today and had dinner from DQ.  I had an ultimate burger, onion ring, and a strawberry milkshake.  That one meal added up to 2000 calories on the dot!!

At first I was bummed, and normally that would lead me to eat badly for the rest of the night cuz hey, I've already ruined my diet right?  So I might as well just stuff my face and start fresh tomorrow.

Well, years and years of telling myself that EVERY SINGLE DAY is what got me in to this mess, and miraculously, today I didn't do that!  I didn't even have to stop myself from having those thoughts....I just didn't have them.  I just said "meh" and moved on with my life.

And at the end of the day, considering I didn't eat too much else earlier in the day, and the 30 min I did on the eliptical today, my calories worked out to be about even!  So I won't lose anything today - big deal, I didn't ruin anything either!  Okay so it's not the ideal day in terms of food choices, and not eating enough earlier in the day was probably what gave me the cravings to begin with, but it's nice to finally not feel overwhelmed with guilt and the urge to give up after one unhealthy meal.

Plus, it was sooo delicious.

Ticker
Mar 29 2009 11:46

I'm so sad.... :(

I used to update my ticker everytime I logged my weight, and at my lowest weight I was 204 lbs - almost halfway to my goal!

Then, after my 5month plateau with the scale not moving either way, I gave up for the Christmas season and decided just to relax and bit and start fresh in Jan.  I was so stressed out and depressed that after 5 months, my weight wasn't moving, so I needed the break.

But, after my break of about 1.5-2 months, I hop back on the scale and low and behold, I'm up 15 lbs!  Whee!  I figure, no biggie, it's just mostly water weight - it can't be possible for me to gain that much fat in that short a time, right?  Wrong!  I've only gone up from there.  I'm not 20 lbs heavier then before Christmas.

I haven't been updating my ticker, but instead left it at the lowest weight as incentive and as a reminder of how well I was doing.  Today, it finally booted my ticker with the comment that it had been so long (80 days or something) since I had updated it.  Sigh - 80 days and I couldn't get myself back to that weight.  So sad. :(

So now I have a new ticker, showing my current weight.  I'm pretty depressed about it....I can't believe how much of a setback Christmas was.  Not just the 20lbs I've gained, but in my mentality.  I haven't been able to get back on track calorie-wise since then.  I have a good day here or there, but almost every day I'm over my calories - I just seem to give into temptations whenever I have them.  And once I've done that once, I do it again and again, thinking "well I'll just start fresh tomorrow".

I'm back to the old state of mind that I really thought I was starting to overcome.  It's a bit depressing.  I KNOW I can do it, but I just don't seem to have the drive anymore.

I gave myself a year to lose 100lbs, and my year is up next week.  As of today, I'm only 25% of the way to my goal!  25%!!!  That is so so so pathetic. 25lbs in a year is pretty bad, and I only have myself to blame - I could have been so much healthier....I SHOULD be so much healthier!

Oh well, guess this is a new year.  Now that my year is up, I think I'll just stick to mini-goals.  My sister's wedding is on May 30th, 9 weeks from now.  I think I'll make a goal to lose 15 lbs by her wedding.  1.5 lbs a week.

I can do this!  I just need to get re-motivated.  I'm hoping smaller goals and smaller time frames will work, but we'll see.

Wish me luck!

4 more weeks - down to the wire!
Mar 10 2009 17:50

Crazy week so far and it's only Tuesday!  I started my new job yesterday so I've been go go go.

I'm down 2 lbs this week, but I'm still 20 lbs off my goal for Jamaica, and considering it's in 4 weeks, that's obviously not going to happen.  So, I'm readjusting to 10 lbs.  It's a bit of a stretch but who knows....crazier things have happened.

My new job is great so far, and the best thing about it is a free gym!!  Right in the building!!  I'm so excited to get started in there.  Only problem is that we have to do an orientation first, and the times for the orientations don't fit in my schedule, so it might be a few more days or even next week before I get a chance to get that done.

However, my new elliptical machine that my parents bought me for my birthday will be ready to pick up on Friday, so I'm super excited about that. :)

I'm in training the next 3 days and lunch is provided so I'm a bit nervous about that but I think I did pretty well today.  We have a Sunterra Market in our building which is where we get all our catering, and the food is not only healthy, but awesome!  I do however, wish they posted their nutritional info on their website so I knew I was making the right choices.

Wow, working full time hours is exhausting!  I'm ready for a nap and it's only day 2.  How do you people do it? :P