kwimbea's Journal

Mad, mad, mad.
Nov 12 2009 12:54

At no one but myself.  Well, okay, and maybe peeved at a couple others.  So let me bitch.

First things first.  I am a loser.  Okay, maybe not, but still.  I gained over night (well, how the hell was I NOT gonna?).  I ate:  pulled pork bbq, bacon bits - real ones that I made, fat free muffuns - still have calories!, some fudge, some of the cookie from the hershey factory... hmmm... what else did I cram in my face?  Waaaaaay to much meat, french fries and yes they were baked, but still not good for me... gravy, and yeah it was low fat, but still has calories and fat too!... what else?  I don't know.  I drank too much too.  Not THAT much, but more than I wanted.  And this morning and all night I felt like shit.  My stomach was NOT happy with me.  And I am not happy with me.  I only worked out for 5 mintes this morning cause I was in a rush and decided to quit.  And I know I won't get to tonight, cause too many of my shows are on, and that's if Rob doesn't want to watch football.  Although he did make it sound like it didn't matter.

And then last night, I was so not happy.  I hate that left out feeling, and I had it all night long.  I hate that when I walk in to the house, Rach doesn't say hi.  She just keeps playing on the computer.  She's oblivious to the fact that she sits at my spot at the table every time.  And she knows it's mine, but she doesn't understand why.  She's 15!  It's cause I sit there every night and have for the last 3 years when we arranged the room like that!  I don't like the other chairs cause my legs are too long and the seat is too short, so I feel like I'm going to slide right out of it.  And she makes comments like, "yeah, Rose was the girlfriend of yours I liked the best, dad."  And she may mean it as a joke, but then she'll follow up with something like, "Don't you get tired of being the only smart one in the house when I'm not here?"  And I make her dinner, and her snacks, and I do her laundry, and I serve her dinner to her, and I make her lunch for the next day and I make sure she has money and I make up her bed and I bring her breakfast and I iron her hair and I put her makeup on her cause she forgot hers at home and I get her to school in time...I know she likes to tease me.  They all do.  They always have.  I've always been the butt of all the jokes... and sometimes they're funny, and most the time, I don't mind... but sometimes it goes to far, you know?

And Rob, well, he's like psycho about NOT telling anyone what anybody gets anyone for Christmas or birtdays.  Wants everything to be a HUGE surprise.  And this year, for Christmas, we were thinking of getting Rach a netbook or the ipod touch, which is a huge thing for us, cause we don't normally give gifts that big to them.  And of course, I know not to say anything cause he'd have a shitfit.   But what happens last night?  I'm going upstairs - early too, cause I really was ready to just be alone - and I hear him say to Rach, "So for Christmas, do you prefer a netnbook or ipod?"  So I yell down the stairs for him to come help me get the sheets on the bed although I don't really need his help.  He's like, "what?"  I tell him that it's so unfair that he can pretty much tell her about the biggest present we'll ever get her, and makes sure I'm right out of sight when he does, cause I know he thinks I wouldn't hear... and he's all - what if she knows that her mom is getting her one or the other so she can tell us?  And I told him that's something we could discuss with Maryann, NOT with Rach.  Why would he tell her when he won't let me?  The biggest one ever, and makes sure I'm not there when he does?  They were so buddy-buddy last night.  I just laid in bed and cried.  I miss mom and dad... I miss having someone to turn to when I AM a little bummed out.  I had that feeling.. that I would never be number one to anyone... and I know I won't, but I usually don't dwell on it.  I couldn't help it last night.  I get so... I don't know... I feel like I can't do enough... I do what I can.  I work.  I clean the house.  I take care of dinner and laundry.  I don't sit at night cause I'm so busy making sure that everything is good... everyone is happy.... And it's still not enough.  And I'm just being a titface.  Maybe I'm about to get my period.  I don't know.  But I feel better for venting, and even better cause the Office is on THREE TIMES TODAY!!! WOOHOOO!!! :o)))