lorkrige's Friends

I have no desire, or drive left.  My world is simply a mental hell right now, and I don't see that changing.  Just no point.

As I get older, can't help but think time goes so much faster than it once did.  Seems like only yesterday I was looking forward to seeing Haley's Comet in 1985.  And soon it will be 2010.  Wow, can hardly believe I have made it this far.  Never did I imagine I'd make it this far.  When you are 500+ pounds in your 20's, a person really doesn't expect to make it to 50. 

But 50 I'm gonna be.  And it truly is some sort of miracle I have made it this far.  Maybe the reason is so my dad would have someone to take care of him, or maybe it's just dumb luck of the draw.  I don't know why I have been given this chance, but the best thing to do is live a good and happy life. 

Of course it's going to continue to be a fight.  But at least I have something worth fighting for.  A real life, being a real person.  And a fight it will be.  Yesterday I hurt so bad I just wanted to stay in bed.  So what did I do, I headed up to the Y, and did a 1600+ cal workout. 

I guess for me right now, and to be honest there is no guessing about it, I have to bring the eating back in line with the workouts.  That is where I am not following through on the plan.  Everything has to go in the log.  It's time to get fanatical again.  watching every bite, everything I have to drink that has any cals.  It must go in the log!!  The part of the battle where I am the weakest.  That's why I have to make this the new focul point of my plan.  I think I got the workout thing down.  But that's only part of the equation.  The food must be logged!!!

Then there is my business.  I have to stay the course so I will be ready for all the work this spring.  Much to be done, and so little time.  Gotta start working harder yet!!  Still want to see that 300 pound mark!!

For me personally, this is a a pretty good day.  Lori and Rick are going to her family for dinner, and my cousin, Donny, is going to watch my dad while I play in a special poker tour. at the VFW.  It will do them both some good to hang out together. 

My afternoon is gonna be busy.  The poker tour I am playing in is going to be a straight freeze out tournament, with knock out chips, and a best hand pot. At $60, and with just 44 players, it should be some pretty tough competition.  And with $40 a player going to the prize pot, a damn sweet prize pot. 

But my cards have been running very bad, and with them my play lately.  I think the run of poor cards has frustrated me to the point where I have picked up a lot of bad habits I use to exploit, in the others that play there.  

You see a lot of bad play in those damn re-buy tournaments, while they can get back in people will gamble like crazy.  But once ya blow your chips today, there ain't no getting back in.  So the donks should be gone pretty quick. 

As to the greenhouses, we are ready to put on plastic.  Simply waiting for a couple of days of low wind to get that job done.  The place is excellent, and making it work is up to me.  Not only as a form of income, but also as a way to employ a few people, help the community, and stay on the cutting edge the local food movement. 

I know some people ask what difference does it make where my green peppers come from.  The most basic answer I have is that supporting local food production not only means eating fresher, healthier food.  But there is also a national security aspect. 

If, for some reason, the trucks can't cross the country, areas with local food supply will be much better prepared for whatever type of national emergancy stopped the trucks rolling.  It's simply a matter of common sense. 

People need to learn to grow their own food again.  One of the reasons our nation didn't completely melt down during the Great Depression, was because most everyone still knew how to grow a garden, and how to save the seed for the next season.  This knowledge helped to feed a the people in a time when their government, and financial institutions, had failed them completely.

But saving the world has to wait.  Got to get the place off the ground this year.  And I am promising myself to turn my obsessive nature toward making this business something I will be able to look back on with pride on that day I go to join the Gods. 

We all fight our battles in different way.  And this one is mine!!

Have a great Black Friday everyone!!

Already tired of it!  The day's not even here, and I want my relatives the hel out of here.  And they are going completly nuts over the food, and I just don't see any reason for it all.  I'm just gonna fix a few things, and they want something else, they can make it, or bring it. 

My mind is in shambles right now.  Acting like a child when there is serious work to be done.  But tomorrow is a new day, and the plan is to put the plastic on the small greenhouse.  I'm pretty scared by all this.  I know I got the time and talent, but can I keep it together mentally to make this thing work. 

Its nuts, but if I don't really try, that means no one can say I failed, I just didn't try.  I know, I too wonder why the state of Indiana lets me walk around loose either.  Afraid to fail, afraid to succeed.  If that ain't nuts, WTF is? 

Gotta show some faith here.  Some faith in my God's, that if I am industrious and hard working I will succeed.  Some faith in the community to support my efforts, and some faith in myself.  The last one is damn near impossible. 

My mind is scrambbled by the hopelessness of it all.  I am awash in sadness, and I simply don't know what to do about it.  Nothing to do but keep on keeping on I guess. 

But what happens when I fall apart next spring?  Ah well.  Maybe best just to sell the place now, and move to somewhere I can't do any damage.

I'm never going to get past this.  Where's death when ya need it.