loufederer's Journal

weigh day tomorrow
today i went shopping, tried on size 6 jeans and hooray, comfy fit! bought three pairs!
next size down in the 'size zero' (UK 4) thing. i would loveeee to be that tiny :)

binge day saturday! yay
weigh day tomorrow! hmmmmm not sure (water retention may be a problem..)

let you know
xx x xx


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i am so effing done with being fat. why should be best friend look so much better than me, it's just not fair. she adores herself, i don't know why, she's fat too. but me, the one who's always struggling gets the shortest straw. i was to be horrifically thin - so much so that i look like death compared to her. a true slender little stick. the same height as my best friend, by skinny and perfect. i know she looks like crap naked, of course she does, her dips and curves and squatness lends inexorably to that. i sound so horrible and cruel, but i am really just being honest. i am lumpy and podgey too, but i know this - i'm doing something about it. i want to make a big book of skinny, gorgeous people... the ones i would love to look like. i wish i knew how much my best friend weighed, how unhealthy she is.... how much better i can feel about myself thereof.

i just crave thin-ness. the day i can look down at myself in the shower and not have to grimace at my protruding fat bits, is the day i am a happy woman. no more misery, no more fat, no more feeling my hips rubbing against my jeans, no more grotesque ballooning of my stomach. god, life could be so so good. in about a stone's time.

same old regime sunday-friday:
300-400g cauliflower                     75-100kcal
100g  bran + 200ml soya milk      314kcals
Reduced sugar ketchup                 25kcals
Lemonade/diet coke                     3-15kcals
TARGET – UNDER 500kCals

saturday:
classic bulimia day

CMON LOULOU!!!!! :D XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX u'll look so so gorgeous. the envy of them all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



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32-40 calories soya milk
163 bran
95 cauliflower
30-40 ketchup

 

total
338 calories

lot less than i thought actually

 

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There is a lot wrong in my life at the moment. Relationships, with boys, and people in general, my self obsession (by that I mean my eating problems), work, and academic work. Everything is quite possibly the worst it has ever been.

I am leading Jonty on even though I know I don’t fancy him and could never really want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Ben and I are not talking, for no reason at all. I am guessing he considered me a cheap shag and has moved on for good. To be honest, he causes me nothing but heartache anyway, so it’s just as well that we’re losing closeness as he becomes more settled in at college etc. It’s time I finally let go – it’s going to be really tough. I mean, I cannot deny that I fancy him, and if he asked me to spend the night with him, I would obviously accept. I just need to be mature about this and think what’s best for my mentality in the long term.
At work, I hate Victoria, ‘Tori’ – she is vile. Arrogant, patronising, flirtatious and petulant. I am also becoming tired of my boss, Helen, and I’m sure she thinks I’m too slow with clearing up at the end of the day. Fuck her though – my contract says I finish at 5.30pm, so I will take my time to get done for that time. Everybody else can leave if they want, but I’m going to take as long as it does to complete my tasks and will not feel a foolish burden if I’m running ‘on time’ – how pissing illogical!
I have 2 whole days during half-term that I am not at work. What with 2 biology tests when I get back to school, and an entirety of chemistry to learn, I am as good as FUCKED in terms of my chance of success in these little assignments. My eating problems have finally hit my family, and my mother is being annoying and keen, asking questions, getting defensive, insulting me, and making me feel like a piece of shit, which quite frankly I feel close to anyway. Binge day made me feel the worst EVER – I need to do it moderately next week. Everything about it was painful – my stomach truly felt like somebody had lodged a bowling ball inside of it. Purging was horrific too – the was blood, and it stung the back of my throat.
I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Work is a necessary evil, and I get paid at the end of the month – even though I need to decide exactly what I want to spend my money on. Some real Ugg boots would be nice I guess, or maybe I should save it for something special? Like what though? I am losing the value of the word special. Spending fortunes on peoples’ Christmas presents is always nice, but then again, how much is it appreciated? I’m sure there are very few people in my friendship group who really spend a large sum of money on gifts.



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SO, I want to be 6st11 (95lbs). That’s a stone away. And that would make me anorexic. ARGHHHH. It sounds like such a lot, especially since I’m quite slim now anyway. Well, not really. But that’s what other people think I am. Mrs Singh says I’m too thin, but I can still see the belly, and love-handles, the squidgy arse, and chubby cheeks, fat forehead. Everything is still the same. Until I am 6st11, I won’t be happy. And I won’t give up until I reach it. I don’t care how long it takes, I need to be that thin. It will look fantastic – I will be able to go out, confidently walk down the road, as one of the pretty, nigh-on perfect celebrities. It’s really difficult though – my eating problems are preventing me from functioning in any normal way, and will seriously impede my chances of getting anywhere in life. I don’t care right now. I want to achieve this weight loss, and smile! And then I will eat junk forever because I’ll be one of those skinny girls who can get away with it, the ones you hate, envy. I just need to keep going, keep eating the bran, light soya milk, cauliflower, and gravy, everyday. Everything will be FINE - and I can reward myself at the end with a big dinner out. With all the foods I adore. Pralines and Cream Haagen Dazs, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, pizza, sandwiches, cheese straws, chocolate gateaux, cereal with yoghurt, crisps, oriental crackers..... YOU GET MY DRIFT. Fats and sugars. I miss them, but not how they make me feel, and look.

 450calories is happy. My bulimic Saturday is good, I like it. 

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Eating disorder, YEAH RIGHT.
I'm just, extreme when I wanna be.
Right?
I mean, if I decide that tomorrow is my day off, I will gorge. But if not, I won't.

Just odd.


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Calories - below 500.
Exercise - very high.
Mood - tired but glad.



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