loufederer's Journal

There is a lot wrong in my life at the moment. Relationships, with boys, and people in general, my self obsession (by that I mean my eating problems), work, and academic work. Everything is quite possibly the worst it has ever been.

I am leading Jonty on even though I know I don’t fancy him and could never really want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Ben and I are not talking, for no reason at all. I am guessing he considered me a cheap shag and has moved on for good. To be honest, he causes me nothing but heartache anyway, so it’s just as well that we’re losing closeness as he becomes more settled in at college etc. It’s time I finally let go – it’s going to be really tough. I mean, I cannot deny that I fancy him, and if he asked me to spend the night with him, I would obviously accept. I just need to be mature about this and think what’s best for my mentality in the long term.
At work, I hate Victoria, ‘Tori’ – she is vile. Arrogant, patronising, flirtatious and petulant. I am also becoming tired of my boss, Helen, and I’m sure she thinks I’m too slow with clearing up at the end of the day. Fuck her though – my contract says I finish at 5.30pm, so I will take my time to get done for that time. Everybody else can leave if they want, but I’m going to take as long as it does to complete my tasks and will not feel a foolish burden if I’m running ‘on time’ – how pissing illogical!
I have 2 whole days during half-term that I am not at work. What with 2 biology tests when I get back to school, and an entirety of chemistry to learn, I am as good as FUCKED in terms of my chance of success in these little assignments. My eating problems have finally hit my family, and my mother is being annoying and keen, asking questions, getting defensive, insulting me, and making me feel like a piece of shit, which quite frankly I feel close to anyway. Binge day made me feel the worst EVER – I need to do it moderately next week. Everything about it was painful – my stomach truly felt like somebody had lodged a bowling ball inside of it. Purging was horrific too – the was blood, and it stung the back of my throat.
I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Work is a necessary evil, and I get paid at the end of the month – even though I need to decide exactly what I want to spend my money on. Some real Ugg boots would be nice I guess, or maybe I should save it for something special? Like what though? I am losing the value of the word special. Spending fortunes on peoples’ Christmas presents is always nice, but then again, how much is it appreciated? I’m sure there are very few people in my friendship group who really spend a large sum of money on gifts.