m_c_85's Journal

Dear Cigarettes,

We've been through a lot over the years, and I've grown accustomed to your smell, your taste, the way you feel when I hold you, and I cannot imagine my life without you. Unfortunately, I feel we've grown apart. When I wake up, I don't look forward to seeing you. When we hang out with my friends, I'm embarrassed that you're there. They don't like you, my family doesn't like you, and for many years I couldn't understand why. Now I know. Little by little, you're hurting me. My throat is sore, my teeth and fingernails are yellow, my clothes stink, and every ache and pain spells cancer. You terrify me. My addiction to you terrifies me.

The truth is, I'm just not that into you. In fact, I'm almost over you. I need you to stop calling me, because I'm only going to ignore you. Don't expect me to come crawling back this time, because we're through for good.

Your threats don't scare me either. Leaving you isn't going to make me fat, it isn't going to make me bitchy. I won't let you.

So I guess this is goodbye. No regrets. No tears. Just good memories of fun times.

Love,

MC

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No, this isn't a reminiscent article about that great 80's children's show. I recently got a request to update my journal, so here goes:

As of today, I have officially lost 32 lbs since May. This is quite the accomplishment for me, considering I have only ever gained weight. I'm slowly working out of the depresison hump, preparing myself to hit my weightloss plateau, that I hear so much about. I have a wedding to go to in October, and I am the MOH, so I have to look damn good, to ensure overshadowing the bride. (I'm such a  great friend)

I have more recently created a thread in the motivation forum for people who are less sensitive to "politically incorrectness". I dubbed it, "Looking for people who are not easily offended to talk fitness". I initially expected to be savagely deleted, because of the incumbent profanity, but it actually got stickied! I find most of the people who come in and comment are not nearly as depraved as myself, but they are all supportive and significantly less annoying than a lot of the people I have met in other chat threads. So I consider it a success.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm feeling optimistic, and I hope I can carry my willpower long enough to hit my first real goal weight, which is 198 pounds. (Only 4 pounds to go!)

Today's Motto wil be: "Enthusiasm - take out the enthusi and add org and you've got orgasm. It's that easy"

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Well here I am again. My slow and intermittent dieting has yielded a 27 lb loss, since May. Sounds good "on paper" but my impatience is peaking and I'm scared sh*tless that it will be the cause of a serious packing-on of pounds. Who knew trying to lose weight would literally be living second-to-second? I can't count how many times the warm, fuzzy thoughts have come of how quickly I could lose weight if I were bulimic, "just for a little while". I know, I know, that's a terrible way to think of it, and how could I be so cold when people are struggling to live, while fighting the addiction of weight loss. I tell you, 22 years of being fat and never having the self motivation to do anything about it, is how I can be so cold.

Not giving up.

Not going to the extreme.

Not going to have a heart attack about how much weight I haven't lost.

Not going to keep rambling.

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I've decided that because my Journal entries are not visually appealing enough, I am going to add a little something extra to the title. You see, I'm in diet purgatory. And I just started.

Today I felt pretty discouraged because I haven't really seen any difference in my weight. Sure I've lost weight, but it isn't weight I don't usually lose and then gain back and then lose. And as I predicted, I've gained back 4 pounds. Sure it happens and I could have paid more attention to what I ate. I just feel like, I've been working at this, not hard but I don't want my life to revolve around losing weight. If I put any more effort into this, it's going to go from a conscious effort to working my ass off (literally). I don't want losing weight to be something I dread. Something I hate, all because of how much work it is. I came into this thinking I could make a lifestyle of it, but right now I hate it. What more do I have to do? I'm down around 1200-1300 calories a day, I walk almost every night, I make sure I drink lots of water, I eat my veggies and my fruit. I never eat past six o'clock. It's been two weeks and I'm getting bigger? Doesn't make sense. I did nothing before, ate like a pig, sat around for entire days. Got high and munched out on whatever I could find. Drank at least 1000 calories a day, and I maintained my weight for the last 3 years. Now I decide I'm going to work at losing weight. I cut out the drugs. I cut out the booze. (except for weekends ;)). I started walking. keeping myself busy so I'm not at home in my recliner. I cut down the calories DRASTICALLY. I can even say that I've been positive the entire time. Until today. I'm completely and utterly bitchy. My mother comes to me and starts giving suggestions of other things I can try and to be honest, I told her to F*ck off. I appreciate her enthusiasm but I don't want to hear about what else I have to do right now. I want what I've been doing to pay off for me. Save a little something for when I hit this famed "Plateau".

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MMM Sugar and Salt....

I just had to get that out. I have had a very bad craving for chocolate today, so I went out and bought a Coffee Crisp and I've got to say, it was amazing. Everything I wanted and more. What's more, it fits perfectly into my calorie count for the day. What ISN'T going to fit into my calorie count today is the 24 of beer I plan on drinking. (I am actually a wussy and will likely end up drinking 4 or 5 tops) but ATM I feel like I could drink a 24. My very boring job has come to a head with the week's end and I am pumped. I am going to make it my mission to walk all weekend. Walk everywhere. And when I have no where left to walk, I will go on the treadmill.

I have made a new mini-goal. It's not for reaching a certain weight, but a certain state of mind. When I feel comfortable with the way I look, I am going to go out and get professional head-shots of myself. Because I don't have any hot pics of myself to throw up on the Internet, or to send to relatives/ friends, etc. And I think the self done, holding the camera up while staring into it with the look of longing that so many people use is so tacky. Like pictures of people kissig their boyfriend/ girlfriend. I think the purpose of putting pictures on the Internet is to show people what you look like, not to show them how far you can stick your tongue down someone else's throat. I recently stumbled across a girl who couldn't have been much older than the age of consent, but she had pictures of herself and her very young boyfriend in their underwear rolling around like they were about to have sex. I was disgusted. It was like Child Porn posted on a website for calorie counting. Where is this girl's parents/ guardians? Where is this girl's decency? Messed up. Anyway, now that I've successfully gone down a completely unrelated tangeant, I am hopefully on track to weight loss. I can't wait for Tuesday, (may weigh in day). I want to see the numbers go DOWN! My motto for Day 12 is, "Restraint".

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Alright. I have been watching what I'm eating and I've been walking every night, (which isn't much but compared to what I used to do I might as well be running a marathon) and there isn't too much going on... I don't feel hungry, which makes me worry I'm not cutting down enough but I'm at 1200-1300 calories a day so I KNOW I've cut down enough. I don't feel tired which makes me worry that I'm not working out hard enough but I did NOTHING before, so I know I've at least improved my exercise regime. Now I'm waiting. All fidgety and excited and worried. I'm going to re-use the motto, "Patience" for day 10 because I seriously need to calm down and remember that I won't see results after the first day. It could even take weeks at the rate I'm going. My Mantra - *PATIENCE**PaTiEnCe**patience* (Rubbing earlobes "Gooze Fraba"

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Monday has begun, and so has DAY 8 of my new lifestyle. I could write all about how hard I've been working, and how I can't wait to see results, but I'd be lying. I haven't put nearly as much effort into this thing as I should. Sure, I've been cutting down on the food intake, but I don't exercise at all. I went for a walk on Sunday in High Park, and decided to take the long way around the park, going up the stairs, hills, whatever I could find, and I honestly thought my lungs were going to collapse. While a great portion of this is due to smoking, the rest can be attributed to 22 years of being fat and lazy. No doubt. But don't let this talk fool you. I am more determined than ever to lose mucho weight by the end of the summer. I am going to be a maid of honour at my friend's wedding, and I have already told her that I'm going to look better than her. She just start getting over that right now! My motto for Day 8 is, "Strive."

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OK. Day 5 and I'm still on track. I have my food down pat, now I need to start exercising because frankly, I am quite the sloth. I have to fight myself not to jump on the scale every morning. Little bit obsessive here... I enjoy the daily forum chats I have. They are a good alternative to snacks... My Day 5 motto is, "Learning."

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And so starts day 3. I found yesterday's diet regime to be eerily easy. Almost like it's letting me get comfortable, before it jumps up and bites me in the butt, resulting in the worst binge in history. Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed. My motto on day three is "Patience".

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This is day one of my weight loss regime. I have decided to try this journal, because I find it a nouvelle idea and I think if I can retrace whatever was going through my head when I pounded back the six cookies, that personal bottle of pepsi, etc., then I might be able to coach myself into avoided such pitfalls. I do nothing at work all day, except for typing, playing backgammon, and occassionally answering the phone. I try to motivate myself to exercise after work because I have been sitting all day doing nothing and it seems like a good idea right up until approx. 5 or 10 minutes before the actual scheduled work-out time. My weight changes by about 10 pounds every day. I find I have a LOT of water weight gain, visible from the scale after only one glass. Likely, my childhood obsession with salt has thrown my body into a frenzy when I cut it out, affecting the way water goes through me? No idea really. My motto on day one is "Perserverance".

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