madtothepointofnorescue's Journal

Away
Jul 21 2009 06:31

I am away for a festival of 6 days so I cant log anything. I ate a lot yesterday but I couldnt log it either

I feel ok
Jul 16 2009 22:29

I really wanna eat healthy. I try to follow I eat a bit of nuts, fish, berries, grains, plenty of veggies, cottage cheese /curd and fibres.

I trouble myself by forgetting to drink enough fluids though!!!! I just forget!

heh
Jul 14 2009 22:10

my arm and tummy muscles are growing but I am not gaining much. and when I calculated my body fat. holy heck. there is nothing. how are you doing, liver?

I really feel like I am waking up from a sleep. recovering hits you hard. I wonder if I kick the bucket of organ failure before I make it back to This Side....  I have some pennies ready just in case. but my eyelids must be too thin to hold them... so I think nothing will happen.

scared
Jul 13 2009 18:19

I dont wanna gain just fat. so I am working out. differently than before though. before I just kind of beat and wore my body out. now I am trying to build some muscle. but that means I DO actually gain weight and it scares me. I have to remind myself I am gaining something healthy, I am getting back my body. I wanna be well.... I know I am ugly right now, real ugly. sometimes I am scared to go on the street cause of how people stare. but I cant just hide myself!

I am really trying to eat a lot and not be hungry, but eat healthy calories not stuff myself with crap. that happened last time. I was given and ultimatum - madhouse for life or gain 20 kg in a month. so...it took 1,5 months but I did. but with what. granny recently confessed she smelled sulphur scsent coming from my whole body but never mentioned it openly... all those shortcakes and crap food. not gonna happen. I rather eat. just eat. and NO NO NO  to pills. NO.

we made up...
Jul 06 2009 22:11

I guess I need to try harder too. I am doing my best, now. really. but sometimes I am weak too.

I did a good did for a stranger though, today. and such moments add to my account.

but it is going to be a rush. the way I was looked at today at the store, I have never ever been looked at like this. the clerk probably thought I had some tropical sickness. she looked ready to call somewhere.

look, until then, you all have to bare it, I am going to walk around I am not gonna  stay hiding alright? I have the right to exist same as everyone and even if you look at me funny, we breathe the same air.

eat, I must. I know. but people are the least understanding when it comes to "the thin"... everyone accepts "fatty". poor thing. life´s stressful etc. thin , then they say....crazy...freak.... whats she doing to herself.... she should just go die. well sorry, not going to. I have survived and I will.

am I dirt?
Jul 05 2009 22:32

I am being blackmailed, mocked in public, threatened, stabbed in the back with broken promises and not believed when actually telling more than the truth, the past the present.... by my mom, who should have no say in any matter in case of a person my age. she is smart enough to know it, but she cant shake off the dictator in her. what can I do, if she acts irrational, makes impossible demands and makes up absurd theories, wants a horse to fly and a mirror to lay eggs.... I cant meet her demands cause no one could not because I didnt try. ...