meleba's Journal

Leaving Today
Jun 16 2008 18:22

I leave in a few hours to spend the next few months in inpatient. I'll be in Center for Change, in Utah. See you all when I get home. :)

Waiting to go away.
Jun 13 2008 22:41

I'm just waiting to leave for inpatient. I go Monday night.  I still don't want to go; I'm mad at my parents now for sending me, but that doesn't mean I want to go four or so months without seeing them. I've just turned seventeen, which is not far from eighteen. I should be acting like a grown up about all this but I can't. 

I don't want to give up control. I don't want this to be my lowest weight, I want to be thinner. I want to be so small. But yeah, I can't, because like it or not I'm going to stupid Utah to spend my summer thousands of miles from home. 

And I don't know what I should be doing now. Should I even be trying to eat normally? To not binge and purge? Or does it even matter, because after three days I won't be able to wether I want to or not. Unhealthy thinking, but am I really wrong? Three more days won't kill me. 

I don't know.

I'm being sent away.
Jun 08 2008 09:15

I'm going to the inpatient center. 

I can't honestly say I want to, or that it was my choice. My parents are making me: the only choice I have is the option to kick and scream, which I'm not going to do. Even if I did, I have the feeling my parents wouldn't change their mind.

I know it's not really like this, but I can't help but feel like they're sending me away because they don't want to deal with me anymore. It's not like they really betrayed me, but that's how It feels. 

Through out this whole recovery deal I've done everything I've been told. None of this was my idea: if I hadn't started having medical problems I'd never have even gone to a doctor/therapist. My parents talked me into going, talked me into eating, being open. I do what people tell me to do, eat when I'm told to eat, go where I'm supposed to go. I've done everything right. I even convinced myself I was doing a good thing. 

My heart hasn't been in it, though. I read recovery tips, I give recovery advice. I've been a good little recovery doll, but apparently, without the drive from within, it isn't possible. It's weird how even though it's literally destroying me-- causing my body to shut down, I still want to be sick at my core. Can that be cured? 

I am so scared. I could make a whole list of the things I'm scared of, but the main one is changing. I like who I am now, and I'm afraid at the center they're going to take that away from me. Can I be myself, without E.D.? Because I can't help but think we're so tightly wrapped around each other, if they took my E.D. away, there'd be nothing left. 

I don't know what to do.
Jun 06 2008 13:08

My doctor recommended I go to inpatient. My parents want me to go too, and they might make me. 

I don't want to. I'm afraid of going away, and of losing control. The center is thousands of miles from my home. I won't know anybody. I'll be the fattest girl there.  But I've trashed my heart; all the purging is destroying it. I'm sixteen, and at high risk for a heart attack. 

And I can't seem to stop on my own. I've been denying it for a while, but I'm relapsing. I'm out of control. 

So what now?

Binge :(
Jun 03 2008 12:00

Two cupcakes, a piece of cheesecake, three pancakes, 1/3 cup ice cream with molasses, a big handful of jerky, and like five bowls of cereal with cool whip. 

Ughh I suck. I thought I was getting better. And just when I got my weight back to normal, too. 

It's my own darn fault for thinking it would be fine to bring the trigger foods back into the house. My mom was so generously not buying them in order to help me. I told her she didn't have to anymore because I'd been doing so well. 

work stress, maybe?
May 31 2008 05:44

So, how would you log a random unprovoked 3-am binge?

I was up late studying, went to bed, then woke up freaking out after a sailing nightmare. I've been having these lately, and I know it's from all the sailing training I've been doing for my job. It's never me in peril, always someone else. In my dream, everyone but one kid is wearing a lifejacket. Then that kid falls overboard on his/her sailboat, and I try to get to them and rescue them, but I keep getting cut off because I don't have the Right of Way. So the kid sinks, because I'm on my Port tack or leeward side of the wind, or overtaking, and can't get to him without breaking the rules! 

Yeah it's weird. If you've ever taught or even taken a class on dinghy sailing, you know what I mean. I couldn't get to sleep after that-- I couldn't even make my heart stop pounding, so I went downstairs to the kitchen, and while I was making a cup of chamomile tea, I slipped into binge mode. I ate two cups of ff sf vanilla frozen yogurt, topped with kashi granola, better than peanut butter, and molasses, a pack of beef jerky, a bowl of cottage cheese, half a cookie, a fig bar, and three bowls of cereal with craisens. I'd have eaten unhealthy stuff if I'd had it, so I'm pretty glad I didn't. I didn't purge. (...Go me?)

I wasn't able to get back to sleep, either. Thank goodness it's Saturday, I'm exhausted.

I made my own buffalo jerky!
May 29 2008 13:05

It is so good, as good as any professional type I've ever tasted. It was really easy to make, as well. I used less salt and no sugar; instead I added a ton of calorie free black pepper, and it was just as flavorful. It came out to about 60 calories an ounce, compared to the 70-100 in store bought jerky. And no msg!

...I actually don't know what msg is, but I know it's bad and in an lot of meat products. Lol. 

Buffalo totally pwns all other meats. =D

35 Calorie Cheesecake Review
May 27 2008 20:18

So I tried this whole 35 calorie a slice cheesecake deal, and I hate to break it to you, but the 35 calorie slice is about 1.5 inch by 3 inches in a regular pie pan. Try seventy calories, and you're getting somewhere.

Texture wise, it was like rubber. Like cornstarch and water. Aesthetically, it looked like smooth liquid cement. 

The flavor was actually pretty good, though! Plain it was pretty bland, so I smothered it in fat free reddi wip, sprinkled diet hot chocolate mix on top, then drizzled toriani sugar free hazelnut over the whole thing. I'm going to try again and add some pumpkin and plain yogurt, and less gelatin. I cut it into six pieces, each with sixty calories and nine grams of protein! Over the course of the day, I've eaten three. (One for brunch, one after lunch, and one as dessert.)

So yeah. Something I'd make again, with a few variations. Good enough to enjoy, not good enough to tempt me into bingeing. 

I'm better, again.
May 26 2008 18:10

It was just a day. It didn't turn into more than that. I had one bad day, and I panicked, but now I'm doing fine. I'm going to try and remember that if I slip again. 

I did gain a pound, though. And it's not water weight; I've lost the water weight from my binge. This is the real stuff. 

I ate so much... Bowls of various cereals, cookies, some meat, peanut butter, waffles with syrup, toast with nutella, cheesecake filling, some yogurt with jam. Not horrible junk food, but pretty bad. Around 4000 calories in the binge, on top of my regular 1600 day. I felt so sick, and then purging made me feel even worse. 

Today has been good though, and yesterday was alright. Wednesday is my last day of school, and I love summer. 

Emotional Eating at its Finest
May 24 2008 13:37

I felt empty, so I filled up with food. 

Total binge. I feel like crap.