meleba's Journal
I'm being sent away.Jun 08 2008 09:15
I'm going to the inpatient center.
I can't honestly say I want to, or that it was my choice. My parents are making me: the only choice I have is the option to kick and scream, which I'm not going to do. Even if I did, I have the feeling my parents wouldn't change their mind.
I know it's not really like this, but I can't help but feel like they're sending me away because they don't want to deal with me anymore. It's not like they really betrayed me, but that's how It feels.
Through out this whole recovery deal I've done everything I've been told. None of this was my idea: if I hadn't started having medical problems I'd never have even gone to a doctor/therapist. My parents talked me into going, talked me into eating, being open. I do what people tell me to do, eat when I'm told to eat, go where I'm supposed to go. I've done everything right. I even convinced myself I was doing a good thing.
My heart hasn't been in it, though. I read recovery tips, I give recovery advice. I've been a good little recovery doll, but apparently, without the drive from within, it isn't possible. It's weird how even though it's literally destroying me-- causing my body to shut down, I still want to be sick at my core. Can that be cured?
I am so scared. I could make a whole list of the things I'm scared of, but the main one is changing. I like who I am now, and I'm afraid at the center they're going to take that away from me. Can I be myself, without E.D.? Because I can't help but think we're so tightly wrapped around each other, if they took my E.D. away, there'd be nothing left.
You're going to be fine. And yesss you can be cured. Have you been on the website something fishy? I was on there the other day reading memorials about people that suffered and didn't survive the disorder. This is something you want to get taken care of in the early stages. If you let it take you, it will. And you're way too young and beautiful to let something like that happen. I've also thought the same thing: Who am I going to be if I let my disorder go? Such a huge void would be in my life. It's kind of depressing to think about, but you are letting a big chunk of you go. But I'm sure in the center they'll help you find out who YOU are, without your disorder. Are you still going to have internet access and be able to journal? I want updates :) And you'll have to come back on here and share tips with the rest of us that struggle from time to time. :) I'm glad you're getting help, and that your parents are strong enough to not enable your disorder. You'll be fine. |
You are going to be fine and your ED will wash away! I myself am going to a therapist next week for the first time. I was VERY hesitant at first to seek help but I realized that it is the right thing to do. I have tried overcoming this obstacle in my life but I have proved that I have not made full recovery on my own. I am seeing someone because of my anorexic behavior/ recent tendencies of binging. My parents are happy I made the decision and I am definitely warming up to it. We'll end our suffering from our EDs together. :) |
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