meleba's Journal

Waiting to go away.
Jun 13 2008 22:41

I'm just waiting to leave for inpatient. I go Monday night.  I still don't want to go; I'm mad at my parents now for sending me, but that doesn't mean I want to go four or so months without seeing them. I've just turned seventeen, which is not far from eighteen. I should be acting like a grown up about all this but I can't. 

I don't want to give up control. I don't want this to be my lowest weight, I want to be thinner. I want to be so small. But yeah, I can't, because like it or not I'm going to stupid Utah to spend my summer thousands of miles from home. 

And I don't know what I should be doing now. Should I even be trying to eat normally? To not binge and purge? Or does it even matter, because after three days I won't be able to wether I want to or not. Unhealthy thinking, but am I really wrong? Three more days won't kill me. 

I don't know.