merylwhite1's Journal
Food diary 133Nov 12 2009 20:08
Today...
Breakfast: muesli and yoghurt; 2 big handfuls of tiny mandarins
Snack: handful of almonds
Lunch: 2 ham, mayo, tomato and lettuce sandwiches with wholegrain bread
Snacks: lots of chopped kiwifruit, 2 apples, tomato omelette
Dinner (out): spicy pomelo and shallot salad; red chicken and vege curry with rice; stir-fried kai lan in oyster sauce with garlic
Snack: an apple and a kiwifruit
First day in a while I've felt like I haven't been eating loads, although my lunch was still pretty big.
We had a talk at dinner tonight and Mac is disappointed in how long I still have left to go in my degree and how long I think it will take me. I feel guilty but also kind of pissed off because I know it's not really my fault. I was single when I was having years out of study to travel and enjoy being young, I didn't know then that I would meet a guy five years older than me who had already finished his degree and begun his career. When you're single it doesn't matter how long anything takes you because it's just whatever you want to do at the time. Now, my decisions affect him too... Even the ones I made long before we met and fell in love.
The baby, much wanted as it is, is also kind of a spanner in the works of the study I am supposed to be doing. I want to take a semester off and then study part-time until I am done, but now I wonder if that is the right idea, or fair to Mac... argh. Too much thinking. I am sure my life will sort itself out in time. I just hate feeling so "behind" with my life when until I met MacLean I was just enjoying taking my time. It's not his fault, that's just the way I feel.
'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.'- John Lennon. Hope you are not stressing too much, because all of these things werent really under your control! I too feel guilty sometimes because I havent yet got a full time job, and now I will be taking time off after the baby. But I married Subbu and chose to move to the US with nothing in hand, when I had a couple of offers from good universities back in India. I am nothing if not happy, but I still wonder sometimes where I would be in my career if I hadnt made the choice I made. Wonderful food day! |
Love that quote Leela. I have also made choices which benefitted Mac but put me a little behind - I changed universities so I could study extramurally, so he could take this job, but it has meant I have extra pre-requisite papers to take. I am happy here, just impatient. Guess I just have to learn to be more patient, not one of my strong points! |
When I was 25 I had a crise de nerfs that sounds a little similar to what you are going through. I was single, I was working in a career I loved but at a pretty junior level, I hadn't finished my degree. I just felt incomplete and kind of "stalled". So I made a plan to work part time and finish my degree (I only needed 2 quarters of class work). Just taking charge of that one thing changed everything. I went back to school, met my future husband, finished my degree, got a big promotion at work, and got married by the time I was 27. It sounds to me that you are in a good position to have things fall into place for you, also. As my father used to say, some things just take 9 months no matter how you engineer the process! (Seems applicable to your situation -- congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy.) |
According to Darwin, it's not the smartest nor the strongest that survive to evolve - it's the one most adaptable to change. You have lived your life in a responsive and adaptable way, so I very much agree with dkenworthy, you are positioned well for all that is happening now and will be just fine. Mac probably just had one of those rue the past decision moments, as did you. People that are in regret mode rarely see things logically. The two of you are the end result of the cumulative effect of every choice you and Mac have made individually and together. Isn't that wonderful! Because of who the two of you became there will be a wonderful Bronwyn or Alasdair or Molly..... |
Well said, friends of marvelous Meryl... all i can respond to is what i found most true in your writing... you said you ARE HAPPY... NOW...WOW.. most people don't feel that most of the time, but instead "most people lead those lives of quiet desperation" - Thoreau... you aren't... isn't that really quiet remarkable when taken by itself... in the moment? Gosh, we are some lucky people to feel that way... you are doing so beautifully, its so okay to let go... if you have to, on a moment to moment basis... |
its not your fault you didnt know how things would pan out . thinking of you h x |
Thanks everyone for the wise words, and thanks dkenworthy for the congrats! jannid - I know I will be fine in the end, it's just hard to think long-term sometimes when all I see is the unplanned stuff in the immediate future! Bonnie - good advice to let go, that is what I need to go. Let go and trust that like jannid says, I will be fine. I will be... Helen - thanks, I do know it is not my fault and I don't even usually regret it. Travel is amazing and I love having seen a bit of the world, it's just unfortunate that I met someone a bit older who already has a stable career... oh well that will be good when the bean turns into a baby at least. |
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