minerva_moon's Journal

This morning (not ready to record it yet, but if it's around the same in the next few days I will) I weighed in at 121.4lbs, my lowest since going on vacation in July. And actually nearly my lowest, period--I was just around 121.5 when I went on vacation. It's hard to be exact because over the summer I was using a scale that only measured to the half-pound, whereas now I'm using one that measures to the tenth of a pound (my housemate's weight watcher's scale).

That puts me only about three and a half pounds away from my final goal weight of 118. And that...kind of freaks me out.

I hit 150 probably about the time I hit my teens. I spent about seven years unhappy with my body, unhappy with my size, unhappy with my weight. There were so many tears about clothes that didn't fit, clothes that didn't look good because of my body type, things I couldn't wear or things I couldn't eat. So much depression, insecurity, anger, and resentment.

It's weird to be content with my body now. And I am, generally, content with where I am now--I only want to lose those last three/four pounds so that my size 3 Arizona jeans fit a bit better. Size 3! I don't think I was ever before a size 3.

This time last year I was a size 9--on my way down to a size 7. Two years ago I was a size 11. This weekend I purchased a suit for my public relations presentation--size 4 petite. 

Definitely a size I never thought I'd see--when I started losing weight, my goal was 135 pounds and a size 7. I just wanted to be officially NOT overweight anymore. Just for once, I wanted to be able to call myself normal again. And it's so funny, my mom told me when I came home for Christmas at 135lbs that I looked great and didn't need to lose any more weight. Of course by the time I actually hit 135lbs I had decided to try to go for 120ish. But it was obvious that I was doing it in a healthy way--I usually eat around 1600 a day.

I worried for awhile that I would fall into the slippery slope of always wanting to lose 'those last five pounds'. I still worry, a little bit. But I'm looking forward to maintaining, and honestly, a size 3/4 is just perfect for me. I have no desire to try for that elusive size 2.

I feel like a different person. Without all those insecurities and bad body images bearing down on me, I feel like...part of me is gone. Not a part that I miss, by any means, but a part of me nonetheless. And I almost feel that when I switch to maintenence, I'll lose ANOTHER part of me--the part that strived so hard to finally, finally get serious and drop the weight.

But mostly, I'm excited. :-) I'm almost there, and I can't wait to finally finish this journey.

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So, back in July I disappeared for awhile. I think I got too caught up in the counting of calories...it was starting to drive me nuts. I went on vacation for a week with the family, and I felt overwhelmed and guilty for what I was eating. So, I imposed a break from CC on myself, and from counting in general, even though I was still a few pounds from my goal weight. Before vacation, I was 122.0 and afterwards probably around 124.0.

This year at school I'm living in an off-campus house with four of my friends. At the beginning of the year I definitely fell off the wagon. Halo Farms right up the street sold delicious homemade ice cream--three pints for four dollars! There were a couple of nights where I polished off a pint in one night. I found myself struggling to even break even, much less create a deficit. I went up to around 125-126.5ish, and then I got a grip on myself.

This morning I weighed in at 122.5, and although it's still a few pounds away from my goal weight of 118, I feel SO much better. It's more that I feel like I'm back in control. I'm back to counting calories, at least for now. This week I had a deficit every day except for one, and that day was planned because my parents came up and we went out to lunch, so I knew I would be over. And even that wasn't terrible--only about 2100 total, so about 350 over my estimated 1750 burn. And every other day has made up for that.

I've fallen out of the habit of going to the gym, but I work as a server four days a week, so I think that keeps me properly active! I'm just glad to see that extra weight gone, and I'm hoping to reach my goal weight by Christmas! I'm studying abroad in Ireland in the spring, and it'll be a big challenge to keep to my weight! Luckily where I live has a kitchen, so I'll be able to cook for myself. :-)

 

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So, only two hours ago I posted about how I was at a plateau and how I wasn't that upset about it. And I'm still not, but I am depressed now.

Because I've been demoted.

To an A CUP.

*sniffle*

I'm no stranger to the itty bitty titty committee, but I really do miss my boobs from when I was overweight. I was a full B. They were pretty much the perfect size in my opinion, and after having been an A cup for soooo long, I was so excited to be a real B cup!

Even in my profile picture (which was taken about ten pounds ago), I'm still probably a small B.

But today my mom went clothes shopping and she picked me up a bra (I needed one with clear straps). Handed it to me and told me, "It's time to face facts. You are not a B cup."

And it fits well.

:-(

So I'm definitely an A cup, no way around it. And I'm just ugh, sick of being such a pear shape, because I STILL have (proportionately speaking to the rest of my body) a big butt and big thighs and TEENY TINY BOOBS.

NOT FAIR.

*sigh*

I just need to sulk about this for awhile, I think.

 

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I think I've hit another plateau. :-/ Since my last plateau, at 135 pounds, lasted for MONTHS, this is a bit disappointing, especially since I'm so close to my goal of 119 pounds. However, my weight just won't seem to budge below 123. Sometimes I see 122, but right when I think it's safe to log that, it goes back up to 124.

I know I'm also to blame--I've had more 'cheat days' than normal.

And yet, I'm definitely not as annoyed by it as I was with my first plateau. I'm pretty satisfied with my weight. The only reason I'd still like to make goal is first of all because I'm stubborn, but mostly because I'm between pants sizes right now. In the brand I buy (Arizona's), size 5 is too big right now and size 3 is a bit too tight. A couple more pounds gone and I'll fit nicely in those 3s.

But I'm not too stressed about it. It'll happen when it happens. Honestly, if I'm honest with myself, my plateau might not break until I go back to school in August and my entire routine/eating pattern changes. That always seems to be the way.

Or hey, maybe my vacation to Florida will help me get back on track once I get home. It just seems a change in routine is what gets my weight moving again.

Either way, I'm patient. :-) I'm back to eating about 1600 a day, which gives me about a 300 calorie deficit. It'll happen eventually.

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So I definitely went over my burn today, ha. And it was with bad, greasy, mexican chips/sopapillas (which is like FUNNEL CAKE with brandy sauce), tortillas, and some queso dip. Y'know, SO GOOD FOR ME. *eyeroll*

Oh well. I went about 300 over my burn, I'd guess, and yesterday my deficit was about 400ish so I'm calling it even. :-) And I definitely won't be eating more Mexican, haha. I was training someone today which meant free food. And now I feel bloated and gross. And in the words of our manager when I told him that I felt gross was "Yup, everything on this menu is SO BAD for your body."

Ah well, the last two days cancel each other out and tomorrow is a new day. A day that I plan NOT EATING at work!

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Today wasn't so bad. I went down the shore, so I had some bad stuff, but managed to not be TOO bad. Had one slice of pizza. Split some curly fries with a friend but let her have most of them. Got a small cone of ice cream from Kohr's Bros and then turned down Rita's Water Ice when Dad was picking some up for the family. Had a Lean Cuisine and 4 hardboiled eggs for dinner. Total was around 1800, but I walked around a lot so that still puts me under my burn for the day.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to work a double at work (as I've been doing most Wednesdays this summer) so I'm trying to develop an eating plan. I know most people say you should eat small meals thoughout the day, but when I'm at work, that's not possible--I'm a hostess at a restaurant and I can't eat when I'm on the clock.

Breakfast (10:00 AM):
Light 'n' fit yogurt with strawberries and mini chocolate chips (270 cals)
Thomas' Light Multigrain english muffin with Smart Balance spread (180)
TOTAL: 450

'Lunch' (4:30-5:30 PM, break):
Subway 6" with turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce/tomato (350)
Lays light chips (70)
Treat of two mini muffins from My Favorite Muffin (200) (this is ONLY if I resist the temptation of sneaking chips at work!)
TOTAL: 620

'Dinner' (10:30 PM)
Apple with peanut butter (270)
4 hardboiled eggs (whites only) (100)
Slim Fast (190)
TOTAL: 560

DAY TOTAL: 1630

I know that a 10:30 'dinner' isn't ideal, but unfortunately when I work doubles (which usually run 11-4:30 and then 5:30-10) I really don't have an option. I don't get another break, and I can't eat on the job. Plus the night shift is so hectic that I couldn't eat if I wanted to!

Breakfast and 'lunch' are my tried-and-true meals for doubles...they usually keep me very satisfied. Some may call me out on the mini muffins, but they are in fact mini (100 cals each), and delicious, and just enough to make you feel satisfied when you get 2 for a dollar. Blueberry cheesecake and chocolate chip...mmmm...

My 'dinner' will be nice and filling, I hope! Since the Subway sandwich has so much sodium, I'm going to skip the Lean Cuisine. If my mom ends up eating the rest of the eggs I already hardboiled, maybe I'll have an egg white omelette instead...either way I hope that actually planning it out keeps me on track!

Goal for tomorrow: DON'T SNACK ON THE CHIPS!!

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About watching the eat meter reset itself at 12:00. :-) Had another bad calorie day, as I expected (big Father's Day dinner). Also got my period. Woohoo! *eyeroll* At least today I went to the gym--did 40 minutes of elliptical and 20 minutes weights--so I got to offset the damage a little bit.

Anyway, I really like watching the meter reset itself. Reminds me that tomorrow is a new day. :-) And I know it'll be a better day. I have work (on my feet/walking around for five hours) and then I'll hit up the gym later.

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Had a bad calorie day today. Definitely upwards of 2000 calories, and that's just with guessing how much those pieces of raisen-bread-with-icing was. And I didn't go to the gym, so that puts me probably about 500 above my burn.

SIGH. I was good yesterday and the day before, but today pretty much undid that. Will have to go to the gym tomorrow. I just hate it when I get like this--I had two more slices of that bread even after I TOLD myself 'don't do it, you'll feel crappy afterwards'. And guess what? I ate it. And felt crappy afterwards.

Just have to keep reminding myself that I didn't gain anything real because I definitely didn't eat 3500 over my burn. So at least there's THAT.

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So, since I have class and actually have to go to the dining hall to eat food, I've always been the three-meals-a-day type while trying to lose weight. I'd usually have two snacks in there--one before hitting the gym (usually something small--a fiber one bar or a spoonful of peanut butter for protein), and then something at night (usually a Special K bar or 100 calorie pack) to ward off the night time munchies. My breakfast would be 200ish calories, then I'd have an early lunch of about 600 calories, dinner would be another 600 calories, then two 100 calorie snacks equals the 1600 I'd eat in a day. I'd feel really satisified and wouldn't usually be hungry.

But now my appetite is being so weird! I'm hungry every two-three hours, and even if I'm too busy to eat to the point where I'm REALLY hungry, when I go to eat, I can't eat as much as I used to. I used to have a big salad with dressing on the side (i would dip my fork so in the end I probably only used two-three tablespoons), some fruit salad (frozen, not canned, a little over a cup), and then a whole-wheat wrap with two slices swiss cheese, turkey, lettuce and tomato. That would tide me over to next meal. But now, I can usually only eat about half to 2/3rd of the wrap and either the fruit or the salad. A couple days ago I ate a wrap, a salad, and one cookie, and I felt as stuffed as I did after Thanksgiving! Today I had 2/3 of a wrap and about a cup of fruit, and I was stuffed, but now, three hours later, I'm hungry again!

Sigh. I might have to change my eating habits so that I eat smaller meals 5 times a day, and that'll be such a pain in the butt!

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Another thing I'm ranting about that's been driving me nuts on the forums--teenagers who want to lose so much weight as to drive themselves into the UNDERWEIGHT category.

And it seems like it's almost always preteens/teenagers still in middle/high school. And it drives me nuts, because this site, and life in GENERAL, is supposed to be about being healthy! If you're 95 pounds at 5'1, you shouldn't be striving to lose ten pounds!

I mean, people who are thin have every right to look after what they eat. That's not what I'm saying at all. In fact, it's BECAUSE they eat healthy that they're thin in the first place, in most cases! But striving to have a BMI of 16-17 just ISN'T HEALTHY, and I'm so tired of reading the whinings of those already at a healthy weight who want to lose an UNHEALTHY amount of weight in order to get to an UNHEALTHY status.

And I mean, I understand peer pressure, the pressure to be thin, media pressure, etc. I'm definitely not far removed from high school. It's just a shame.

Bah! *throws hands up in frustration*

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