misscherryjane's Friends

Honestly!

Eating 2,5000 -/+ calories a day.
Weight is a steady 103.5 - 106.5
Allowing myself 103 - 108.

I've started doing circuit training at the gym 2 or 3 times a week with my s/o.  He is helping me to get healthy and reassuring me that the few pounds I have gained is in fact muscle, and that I need to be eating this insane amount for the exercise that I am doing.

I feel great, no lies.  I eat fear foods nearly every day.  If, by the end of the day, I've only had 1,000 calories, I feel like total crap.  I don't know how I used to survive on <300 a day.

The ED voices are still there, but I am DETERMINED to be healthy.  I hope some of you will join me.

Call back tomorrow they say. My doctor told me on the 1st, that it takes a week for the results to come in. Still, nothing. Wondering why it is taking so long, but it will be good news anyways.

You know what I want for Christmas? I want my boyfriend back. I miss him so much right now and we are getting along so good. All that's missing is the intamacy. . .  and oh yeah, I know you're all thinking, don't do it! You deserve better! BUT why can't I convince myself he's not the only one for me????? Maybe it's just the time of year. Yeah, that's it. UHG

So this weekend I made dark chocolate truffles, white chocolate raspberry cheesecake, lemon cheesecake squares, peanut butter cookie squares, butter tarts, cherry-cranberry tarts, brownies and buckeye bars. Now WTF am I supposed to do with all of this? Certainly not eat it. I'll bring some to work tomorrow. . . I wish I could mail cheesecake. It's yummy.

I feel so sad its stupid. I was so excited for Christmas and now I just want it over and done with.

I'm thankful we still haven't got dumped on with snow and I'm thankful for my warm cozy place to live because it is freezing outside. I've decided to remind myself of something everyday to be thankful for so I don't turn in to a miserable b***h. :) Oh yeah, I'm very thankful for my chat friendz.

Just so you all know I am still working at this, taking it one day at a time.

My car recently got scrapped and while we're trying to find a new one we are walking to work every single day. I'm also not sitting around as much and trying to get things done around the house. Due to this I've upped my activity level from "sedentary" to "light activity" which I'm told is what it should be anyway.

Eating healthier isn't going as well, but I do have a goal this month. My plan is to stick to roughly 1600 calories a day, aside from one day a week as a cheat day which can be up to 2000 calories (this will help cover Xmas day haha). If I stick to this I'm going to reward myself with some new clothes in the January sales. How much money I get depends on if I stick to the above, end up taking more than one cheat day a week, or don't manage to stick to it for the month but do still track everything (I'm trying to make this a habit).

So far it's going well! I've stuck to the calorie plan (though originally I was on 1500). I don't think I've lost any weight but I won't weigh in until the end of the month. This month isn't so much about that, it's about breaking old habits and getting into new ones :)

will i ever get a bust? they are like 2 fried eggs :(

I have just returned home from the doctor's. It's not bad news and it's not good news. Just hope and pray for the best news.

I wish they would have warned me, but he did another test. He said my last test has an abnormal cell count (? I'm not sure if that's exactly what he said). He leaves the room for me to get undressed and all I can do is stare at the letter from Cancer Care Manitoba sitting on his desk. Cancer Care? Are you kidding me? I know I'm jumping the gun here, but there IS NO WAY IN HELL I could ever tell my kid I had cancer! I don't care about ME just HER, and she's already gone through it and watched her dad die from this SHIT, and I'll be damned if this test is coming back positive a 2nd time. (results in 1 week)

So here I am driving home thinking HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA DO THIS?Stress of the test-Stress of Christmas- thinking I'm going to have to sell my truck- thinking about how there will be no Christmas baking because how am I going to afford ingredients??? LOL I'm pathetic. Everything starts overwhelming me and I start tearing up while I'm driving!!

Fast forward to me checking the mailbox. (I didn't bother going back to work) I got a gift card from a friend that I made through chat right here on CC. Seems my daughter will now be getting what she wanted for Christmas, thanks to this person. And I cried again. 

I just don't know what to do for this person to thank them. . . so another dilemma. HA!

No matter what you believe at this time of year- something is different. My heart feels different. Hopeful. I guess I have to be.

had a bit of a shock this mornin it was -5 last night and -3 when i went out this morning. jack frost had been out playing all night . went for my hydrotheaphy and i sddenly thought on my way out i have a bone density scan on fiday which is in the same department, so i thought if they could do it today it would save e a journey . lucky they could my consultant hoped that with the added nutrition my bone density would of  stayed the same and not gone down . my prayers have been answered in 12 months the density of my spine has gone up by 3% she said this is really good as your bk isnt weight baring. when she got my hip result her words were amazing . she said that my hip ratio had gone up by 11% she said she had never known this before i no longer have osteophrosis in my spine i have osteophina . im thrilled , al those months of eating and thinking nothing was changing it was . my bones are getting stronger its not to late my body want s to heal. i came out happy but mindful . mindful of the fact that things re improving but i need to keep going in order for them to get better further if i relapsd they could just go back. i need to sty strong and keep going. hopefully my theapist will be bk tomorrow im not so sure . i have a feeling something is not right she is a manager and i think she has been suspended for something not that i think shes done anything but when working with mentally ill patients you are liable to this. she said it was work issues . if she isnt bk i shall make the trip and get weighed its been 3 weeks i need to know were i stand . i hope she isnt off for to much longer im mentially flagging . so not a bad day all in all . need to get the decorations out she what ive got and if i need anything new . i do love christmas . wishing everyone a happy tuesday h xx

There are times that create one, the beginnings of a new world and these are a piece of mine. Change is a part of the world we live, those who forget such things will find they struggle within this existence. I come to you humble from years of resisting my own self, a man who found the dark road and had embraced it with a strength only one who knows themself can attain. But I have found my way out of my self formed darkness and now am what I am.

Within these changes I have found myself in foreign territory doing things I never had the courage to do, things that was once not my way, was not who I am. I have embraced confrontation when necessary and have come out strong. Painting class, yoga and meditation classes and collectives are just part of my routine now. At the same time I am gaining experience that will lead me to someday owning my own farm, having my own peaceful existence with the skills necessary to survive--I am in one word,becoming .

For a long time I was a self imposed servant to others, but those days are over and dead now, never to be again. If one wishes to join my path then they will need to follow mine or be lucky enough to just happen to have their path coincide with mine naturally---for I am what I am and if I follow myself then I will never be lead astray.

Within this I have found BC as being my home for at least my time in Canada, for I have traveled coast to coast and know now the Kootenays are where I belong. When one knows where they are meant to be it is a beginning of potential long-term happiness. I am living in pure positive charge, there has never been a more relaxed person in existence and one ready to lead by example. There is absolutely no one, no drama of any sort that can tumble these meadows, crumble these peaks, absorb these rainbows. In truth, the dark fears me and I can smell that fear and rival in it, dance with it knowing such things are beneath me, never to be anywhere near me besides under my feet, in the tread of my boots being crushed into the earth.

I will take those in pain and show them the way, form a peace that encompasses their existence, let them find themselves and love that essence until they too are unstoppable. And I do not mind if your true self is what many would call evil, deviant, or just plain wrong--if it is you then I embrace it with a love pure without judgment. Be well my friends and if the dark touches you remember you have a friend in me.

your mind is in turmoil, you dont know what to do , why did this thing happen, and above all why to you. things will never be the same keep running through your mind, i know thats what your thinking, but in time you will find, you ll start to come to terms with it, strength will come each day , although you cant see it now you will find the way xx

keep on going dont despair, you wont find the answers there. when the race is there to run persistence sees the job gets done. smile when sprinters dash away , keep your courage dont dismay . place your effort hold your stride , cast those niggling doubts aside . get that head up just that chin, keep repeating i can win. now the last lap find your spot and give it everything youve got !draw every last reserve straining round the final curve. now the straight, the tape the wine , victory tastes like vintage wine xx

dont worry ,dont worry it ll be alright, step out of the darkness and walk into the light . for worry casts shadows of mountainous size, enshrouding our mole hills in fearful disguise . will the birds sing tomorrow?will the sun reappear? all the worry of millions wont hasten them here. see the oceans still rumble the rivers still flow, and the tall trees still murmur where cool breeze blow. and the message they whisper cuts clear through the night, dont worry dont worry it will be alright xx

follow your dreams wherever they lead , dont be distracted by less worthy needs ... shelter them nourish them, help them start to grow, let your heart hold them down deep where dreams go . be faithful be loyal, then all through your life, the dreams that you follow will keep coming true xx

so im the highest weight ive been for 10 years . my bmi is 17 , and you know what im scared im frightened will i ever find love ? will i ever have kids ? will i ever learn to accept me and who i am ? these answers are unknown . but you know what i wouldnt turn back im on this journey and it is yet to end , but i refuse to go back , ill never know it i dont get to the end and im determined to get there.