missstephie's Journal

Everything seems so hard
Nov 04 2009 13:04

Right now, I can't think of anything but sleeping.  I want to go to bed and close my eyes.  I'm just so tired all of the time.  I dread the prospect of going in to work, especially on a Tuesday or a Wednesday like today on a plinth change (week that all the offers at work change over).

I've been hating myself a lot lately.

I look in the mirror and see obesity.

Flabby stomach, sagging boobs, love handles, tree-trunk thighs and bingo wings.  Double chin is a bonus.

I'm repulsed by myself.

I hate myself, but I know I shouldn't.  Maybe writing out my feelings here will help me get over them??

I wish I could see myself the way my family and friends see me.  They tell me I look great, I've done amazingly well with my weight-loss.  But I can't physically see it.  I will admit easily that I've dropped 4 clothes sizes, but I still don't see it in the mirror.  Though, when I take an old photo of myself and compare it to how I am now, the difference is unbelievable.

So, even with all that evidence, why can't I accept myself?  I don't follow fashion and physical ideals of oneself.  Or do I perhaps, on an unconcious level?  I don't know.  I just wish I could get over it, knock some sense in to myself before I fall in to the deep end.   :(