mrsj82's Journal

I'm back

Dec 09 2009 22:44

I've been away for a while. I don't know where to start, but I know this site helped me before. I'm going to try again. I just saw a picture of what I could look like 100lbs lighter and I liked it!

I'm going to try...I've got to start somewhere

I did it

May 31 2009 23:32

Today my goal was to eat under 2500 calories. I'm at 2504!!! *Dances* And that's not completely accurate, but I know it's not as high as 4000...so yay! I drank 12 cups of water today too! *Dances* YAY! Now to tackle tomorrow.

Wow, it's been a while

May 01 2009 23:05

So I'm a total slacker and not updating this thing! Wow it's been a while and I have no idea what to say. The biggest piece of news however I can update on.

My grandmother on my mom's side was just diagnosed with Lukemia. It's terminal and we decided to go out to Utah and visit with her and family before her time is near. So we packed up the car last Tuesday and drove out to Utah. It was long, it was miserable (for hubby, I love road trips!) and once we got there we had less money than we thought we might...but overall I think it's been a good trip.

I'm currently on my way back from Utah to TN. I'm staying in NM at my aunt and uncle's place. Tomorrow night we're staying in Oklahoma City, OK with my cousin, and then Sunday we should be back in our own place.

It was a good visit, but the end was filled with family drama...as usual. Oh well. I'll fully update later with lots of pics and actually some videos as well if you're interested.

The most hopeful part of this whole trip for me has been the goals. Hubster and I talked in the ccar today (since there was nothing else to do but count dust bunnies) and made a list of goals that we want to accomplish. Personally, finacially, spiritually, etc. I feel good about the things we talked about. My problem in life has always been motivation. It's good in theory, but I never am able to carry through very well. (hence my third year at trying to lose weight and having lost bubkis) So I just want to be sure that I can accomplish these goals.

I'm rambling, making no sense, but oh well. I'll update more fully later. Like I said, lots of pictures and videos to come as well as a co-herent summary. Night all

Binged

Mar 18 2009 19:03

I blew it big time last night. I was so hungry that I went and got a snack, and then proceeded to eat everything in the kitchen. It wasn't bad stuff, a few boiled eggs and some peanut butter crackers and a fruit and grain bar...but it was a lot...and now I'm feeling really guilty.

Why can't I seem to keep self control? *Growls*

I read through the comments on my last journal and there's some good advice there. I honestly feel like I'm not doing enough to lower my calories, but maybe I do need to bring it down slowly like that. So today it's 2500 calories. I honestly feel a little more relieved about that, but I have to wonder why. Is it because I get to eat more? Or is it just because I realize that it might be the way to do this? I'm confused.

Also this morning I really don't feel like doing much of anything. I didn't get very good sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning all night for some reason. I kept waking up every hour to two hours...so I slept in this morning until like 11:30.

So we had a pretty active day today. We went to the dog park with Milo for almost 40 minutes. I wasn't running or even walking hard, but there were times that I was walking a lot and up hills and stuff, so I'm going to log it as slow walking and stuff. Then we went to McDonalds for dinner. I had a few more things than I should have, but not overdoing it. If I don't eat anything else the rest of the night, I should be okay at just under 2500 cals.

Too lazy and emotional to write anything else at the moment.

Feeling Guilty

Mar 17 2009 21:21

I'm feeling really guilty tonight. I'm up to about 2500 calories for the day...and I'm feeling really guilty and upset about that. I tried to control my portions and everything, but I guess I just didn't make the best decisions in food today.

I'm feeling really upset too because I've been hungry for three days...I know I'll eventually get rid of the hunger pains, but right now they're horrible. The times that I do eat are great, but I never feel satisfied the last few days. It's getting really frustrating.

I feel like I want to quit and that makes me even more upset with myself because it's only been three freaking days! I cannot quit! I have to do this! I have to get healthy! And I cannot wait to do it. I'm just getting more un-healthy as the days go by, not the other way around. I need to do this now. It's only going to get harder as I get older. I also don't want to become my mother. There's so many things that she does that I don't want to do...and this is one of them. I want to be healthy.

I really want to go get munchies from the kitchen...but I just cannot do that...I've already blown my calories for the day, I'm not going to add more damage to the mix.

Feeling motivated

Mar 17 2009 14:01

Well today I feel really positive. I woke up late (11am) but I still feel like I've accomplished a lot. I ate a very controlled breakfast, just under 460 calories, then went and ran errands. I also took Milo to the dog park. While I didn't get a lot of exercise while there, I was out in the sun, and I felt so happy. I guess it's true what they say, sunshine makes you feel better.

It's an absolutely gorgeous day today. In the mid 60's and supposed to hang out there for a while. So I went to the dog park with Milo, then stopped and got a few things that I needed for this week's menu. I planned one (for dinners) last night, but found a few ingredients missing. So I stopped by and picked up a few things. Then went to the post office and mailed out a letter, then dropped off the library books that are a few days overdue, then home. Hubby is home today snoozing on the sofa, so I made a snack (cottage cheese and banana's) and now here I am.

I made a doctor's appointment for Friday with the new health helper thing. (It's technically not insurance, just helping you out) It's going to be $40! *Eyes pop* We'll have to figure out some way to come up with that, because I need to go, and need to see the doc and get my meds re-filled so I can continue feeling healthy. I have an unfinished sewing project sitting on my table. When it's done the client is going to pay me $200...I don't think I can finish it before Friday (I know I can't.) but I do need to get a move on.

It will give me time to listen to my audio book too. I'm listening to Ted Dekker. That man is amazing...lol So I'm off to go sew and try to stay motivated and focused for the rest of the day.

I need to definitely get drinking, my water has been non-exsistent today. I've only drank about half a bottle of the flavored fruit soda from walmart (no sugar or anything). need water! lol

Lunch in about two hours. So far calories are just under 900 for the day. We'll see if I can stay under 2000 today....

Ended up at just over 2200!!

Mar 16 2009 22:34

YAY! I'm hungry again right now, but I honestly don't think it's hunger, I think it's just a few other things rolled into knowing that I've got to watch what I eat that is the most part of it.

I played around with the camera tonight and decided to post a picture of me...looking really strange, but this is me at 345 as of today... I hope this goes down over the next few months.

This is me as of tonight...I look strange...my hair is pulled back that's why I look like I've got none...

Rambling

Mar 16 2009 13:46

I'm proud of myself, yet a little scared right now.

I've only eaten just over 700 calories so far today. My goal is 2000. That's 1300 left for the entire day...and I'm a little worried about my will power. Once it becomes night time and I'm up I start raiding the kitchen. I know I shouldn't do it, but it happens...So I'm a little worried.

I'm okay right now. I just ate lunch, for a whopping 350 calories! I'm so happy with myself! That's astounding. However it's only 1:30 and I'm likely to get really hungry before this is all over.

I weighed in the kitchen this afternoon. It was the middle of the afternoon fully clothed after eating, so it's not an accurate representation of the facts. However the number there made me cringe. It's not higher than what I was expecting, but the number was bad enough. I really really want to see the success I was seeing three years ago. The lowest number on the scale that I saw was 309. I'd like to have it be down a little lower than that. 345 is unacceptable.

So I just thought about a new goal. How about 305 by the time we got to Smithville this summer? It'll be hot, but being a little lighter on my feet will help matters out. That's 40lbs gone in four months.

the last time I did this it was about six months that I worked, but I didn't do it very smart. I berated myself when I didn't hit goals that I had set. I really have to work at this positive reinforcement. I've always had negative feedback and guilt trips for not accomplishing something, but I really need to change that. I need to find a way to reward myself for accomplishments without using food. Money is not a way to do it either, because we have none...so I guess I'm stumped.

But hey, so far today, I've walked the dog, done the dishes, eaten appropriately and in control. Those should all be celebrated, right? Now to figure out how to do that...

I've also realized in reading back through my old journals on CC that I had the most success when I was posting and journaling more. The more I got out there and got involved in a community, the better I felt, the more encouragement I gained. Thus, I had more momentum. I think now that I have this new journal program, my entries are going to become more frequent. At least that's the goal. I want to use this as a way of siphoning off my thoughts and emotions during this journey. I need to be able to express what I'm feeling instead of locking it away with food. I need to really examine the why's of my behavior and sometimes it's good to have a written record to examine trends and also to see accomplishments.

I have a feeling I'm about to become real chatty...

well...

Mar 16 2009 10:16

I was hungry...

In the middle of the night (well before I went to bed, but it was at 1am) I got hungry. I made and ate two peanut butter sandwiches for the grand total of 600 calories. I'm not sure where to add that into. Yesterday's log or today's. I am thinking I'll do it into yesterday. However I cannot get rid of this guilty feeling over doing that. It's like I cheated or something. I know that this is going to take some time to get under control, and lots of will power...but right now it's looking insurmountable.

I think I'll add it under yesterday. That will mean I ate just at 3000 calories for yesterday...*sigh* Truly pathetic. Today I'm going to do better...I'm going to put my mind to it and stay at 2000. I will need to find a good recipe for dinner so that I'm not overdo-ing it there...however I've got all day to do so, right?

I think I need to go grocery shopping. The house is starting to look really bare. We're not getting a whole lot with the food stamps, it's just barely enough. So I try to ration it out so it will last the whole month. However my attempts at doing that fail miserably and we end up short for 10 days or so before the next round comes in. But we do need some food in the house. More specifically, fresh fruits and vegetables. I guess I'm going to have to just suck it up and go shopping...*sigh* what would it be like to not worry about money and groceries?

I also need to find the motivation to get my butt out of the computer chair. I have a list of things I need to do today, and not one of them starts with me in front of the computer.

I'm thinking I need to change my mindset about how I eat my meals. For the last few weeks I've been taking my meals in front of the TV...and found that I cannot eat and feel satisfied without that...and I need to change that. So today I'm going to start over. I'm going to try and eat without any outside stimulation...maybe listening to my book on my IPOD is all.

So...here I go...into today and not letting anything stop me from accomplishing my goals, right? Why is it so damn difficult to get going and find the motivation to do things other than sit in this chair all day long? I really wish I knew the answer to that...it would solve a lot of my problems...

WOOT WOOT!

Mar 16 2009 00:01

I decided it was time to start over in a lot of ways for me. Church, God, health...etc. So I went to church today and reduced drastically what I've been eating the last few weeks.

I've been eating close to 3500 calories (I'm assuming, it might be more) and today I ended up at 2310!!! It would have been 2000 but I had a serving of leftover apple cobbler...and that stuck it over! But I've been good all day! I am so proud of myself.

Now tomorrow I'll do good again and I can call it a trend, right? LOL

I found a new software that I can keep a journal on my computer. I am really exicted about it because I've got a couple handwritten ones I've wanted to compile, and then add all the entries off of here and keep it in one place. I've finally found that program, so I've been copying and pasting a bucnh of my entries from here. I've been reading through them and saw the success I was having three years ago and have decided it's time to re-claim my health.

It's going to be tough, I already know that from the mountains of times I've failed before. I just want to feel good about myself again...and I felt better about myself when I was losing weight. *sigh* Hopefully I can do this...I'm already hungry again...*checks clock* well it is after midnight...maybe I had better just go to bed? *goes to get some tea and go to bed*