newveggie's Journal

This post is mainly for me to rant, but feel free to respond or read or whatever.
I never thought I would be the person to lose weight and gain it back.  I mean, I worked SO HARD to lose weight.  I got down to 125 pounds.  For my height 5'1", it is still heavy but within a healthy BMI.  That was summer 2006.  And then I lost it.  I swear I had/have depression, but my counselor doesn't think so.  Maybe not exercising is making me depressed.
Now I am having so many problems.  It's hard for me to believe that I could go from being healthy, active, and within a normal BMI to having all sorts of health issues and making it into the OBESE category.  Not just overweight, but the worse 'O' word.  It's not just bad because I feel ugly.  It's bad because I have heartburn, diarrhea, headaches, etc, and because I dont feel like myself.  My clothes dont fit!  I am in this phase where I wear the same 2 pants to work every week because they are the only ones that dont make me run to the bathroom every 10 minutes!  OMG, I have to lose weight but how?   Support system?  Yeah, in my dreams.  Its probably the only thing I'm lacking to be successful, but its pretty important.
I am to the point that I dont care if I am pretty.  I honestly, poke my eye with a stick if I lie, DON'T care if I am pretty.  Or ugly for that matter.  ALL I care about is being healthy.  Okay, so I dont want to bring attention to myself for my weight either.  But that doesn't fall into the Pretty/Ugly category.  It falls into the unwanted attention category.  I hate this American society I live in.  It (and excuse my language, but it is justified) FUCKING SUCKS!  Why are we as women pressured to be one thing (pretty, skinny, sex objects) and then also pressured to be another (play to big media, consumers of all foods, the best of all worlds (tough, strong, need no support but support everyone else), be ourselves, be fun, be spontaneous, be everything etc etc etc).  I DONT GET IT.  This society is so FUCKED UP!  It is crazy.
I will finish this later.