newveggie's Journal

So my last rant was pretty heavy, probably a good thing that I didnt finish it.  My point was that there is so much expected of women in our society, I don't know that its possible to do it all.  No one expects us (women) to be perfect... but ya know what, thats not true.  It's like eminem's song the beautiful woman who cooks and cleans.  Well beautiful women (ok lets be realistic here, I am talking about the size zero model that most everyone either secretly aspires to be or be with), being beautiful takes a lot of work.  And thou that does not have a full time job or go to school or have 4 kids or other responsibilities, well it my be easy for you to eat the perfect diet, exercise all the time, get help from a psychiatrist that you pay 300 bucks an hour... but most of us can't do it.  But god help us if we don't try.  Someone help us if we're not as close to perfect as possible.  Cause then we are failures.  In mens eyes and societys.  Everyone wants a beautiful woman.  Seriously, and they wonder why we can't "accept ourselves for who we are."  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  They don't accept us for who we are, how can we possibly do that?  HOW?
Well I know the answer.  We rebel.  This means that we do what we want, when we want, and how we want!  They dont want to give us a job because we aren't beautiful?  Well we create our own!  They dont want to date us because we weigh more than them?  We date ourselves.  Who wants to be with anyone so shallow anyway?  But we all know this doesnt work.  This is all to funny anyway because we know who we are fighting against is ourselves.  McDonalds exist because we LET THEM!  Diet centers and pills steal our money because we LET THEM.  It is up to us to say, we will WILLLLLLL support ourselves.  Don't need your food, dont need your pills, dont need your support (doesn't exist anyway).  We will SUPPORT ourselves.  All i need to lose a little bit of weight is support.  And I know its out there, but I feel like all the time, its me against the world.  No one wants to help, no one cares, but I have to care.  Why?  because its my body, my life, and if I want to stay alive and active, I need to care.  I need to SUPPORT MY SELF.  especially if no one else will.
The saddest part about all of this is that all I need is a friend that has similar goals to me to support me and me support her/him.  My husband is wonderful, he really tries...but he has no idea what I need for help.  Especially cause he has never been in this situation.  He has had his own problems and I am the best support I can be, but like him, he doesnt know everything that it takes to lose weight.  And since he is my best friend, I have a hard time finding support on the one thing I need.  I mean, he has to eat too, but I have to cook for both of us.  How do I cook me something healthy, him something healthy but more calorie dense?  Its hard.  That's all.  It's just plain hard, but I have to do something.  I guess the main thing is, I have to care.  I just have to.  But until then, I am useless and hopeless.
I want to care, I really do.  I just don't know how anymore.  I can obsess about it.  They say dont do that.  I can not care, they say don't do that.  I can mediocrately care, whatever that would be, they say that might work.  It DOESNT.

So I will try what really never worked in the past.  Setting goals.  Here is my first:

Goals for today:
Exercise at leat 25 minutes (CARDIO)
Drink 80 oz of water
Stay under 1650 calories
Get 1/2 of homework done

Reward???  I'll try and think of this.  This is my biggest failure on goal setting.

Short term goal - Lose 7 pounds.  This might take a month, but I can do it.  My reward for this will be ........... I dont know.  I will think of something.  I hate this reward thing , It doesnt work for me.

I will post an update later.