oomboo2's Journal
Being "Healthy" Isn't Worth ItMay 02 2008 13:46
When I was at the worst part of my "ED", I was incredibly happy. I was doing great in school, had tons of friends, and never thought about my body or food. The only bad thing about being underweight was my bloodwork, which didn't actually affect my daily life.
Now that I am "healthy" again, I feel like shit all the time. I'm depressed and violent. I cut, I throw things, I cry, I kick holes through walls. I hate myself, my family, my friends, my life, everything. I've contemplated suicide, running away, and "accidentally" injuring myslef so that I can be in a non-psych-unit hospital away from my parents.
I honestly don't think it was worth it. It wasn't my choice; I didn't gain a single pound without a feeding tube up my nose. I would love to go back in time to August of 2007 (when the "recovery" started) and just find a way to stay out of the hospital without screwing up my mental health.
I personally don't think that good blood work is a fair trade for my mental health.
There are 2 reasons that I havent killed myself yet. A. I think I would go to hell and B. I'm holding out hope for when I turn 18 and can leave home forever. But I don't even know if it's worth waiting anymore.
Hun, please try to stick it out! I feel the opposite. Lately I've been really wanting to go back to really restricting, but then I realized.... I wasn't happy. I wasn't doing BADLY in school, but it was tough. I wasn't social, and I knew it, but I didn't care. It screwed me over in so many ways. The only thing I loved about it was that sick feeling of control. What I'm trying to say is: have hope! Please. It really can, and will, get better. But it sounds like you need to be able to mentally WANT to get over it, in order to feel happy about it, you know? Just don't give up!! |
*sigh* It's just so hard when my "restricting" years were the best years of my life. I was getting all 100s and one 98 on my report card, I went out every friday night, I was on the math team, the academic team, was the newspaper editor, stage manager for the school play, EVERYTHING! My life was friggin perfect. |
i dealt with my ED for many years. like you, it seemed like the highlight of my life. everything was fine-i was thin!-and i had confidence, energy and i felt better then i had prior. yes, its hard to leave that behind. eventually, i decided it was time to stop. but it was MY choice. you need to find a reason in yourself to get better, it cant be for someone else or because someone 'made you'. your problem now sounds similar to one of mine...which i still deal with. as soon as i started recovery my emotions went everywhere-i wanted to self harm, i felt disgusting, useless, angry and suicidal. turns our my hormones were out of balance and that was a good part of it. i tried natural mood boosters and took up yoga. yoga strengthened and toned my body 9and helped with digestion) which helping me level out. i fight it almost everyday now, but its a lot better.
good luck girl ::hugs:: |
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