oomboo2's Journal

I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jun 07 2008 13:50

I did not choose to go inpatient the first time back in August. I did not choose to have 5 hospitalizations, all of which made me worse. I did not choose to be stuck in the Maudsley Program. This hell was not my choice. I had no choice. I had tubes shoved down my throat, I had adults scream at me and threaten me. And you know what?

I DON"T WANT TO FREAKING "RECOVER"!!!!!!

I did not have a happy childhood. I've hated my mother since I was about 8. I never got along with my sisters. I had trouble with friends. Until 7th grade, when my life, basically became amazing. I was happy, I felt wonderful. I was confident, smart, everything was PERFECT!!!!!!! That kept up for two years. Then my parents suddenly decided I was too skinny and I was shipped of to a hell which they call an "EDU" with only 3 DAYS NOTICE.

Since "recovery", I have been depressed and suicidal. I've been cutting, crying, flipping out.

I don't wat to be this. I so desperately want to turn 18 so that I can move out and do what I want.

But guess what? Thanks to everything thats been forced upon me. I'm too depressed to go to school. It's unlikely that I will finish high school. Its unlikely that I'll be able to support myself when I turn 18.

I have been rading a lot of articles/lectures/etc. about EDs as a lifestyle. It has been compared to extreme sports. Yes, climbing Mt. Everest is dangerous, but it is also fufilling and lots of people do it or want to.

I don't want to get down to 82 pounds again. I know that I looked bad and I don't want to be like that.

But I certainly don't want to be like this.

I hate it when people say, "But losing weight won't really make you happy". I was happy when I lost weight. I have never been unhappy while losing weight. I'm not saying I want to drop 20 lbs. I was in perfect health at 100 lbs (getting my period, normal bloodwork, etc), and everyone in my family is very thin (its genetic).

I wish my parents would just leave me alone!!!!!!!!! 1 in 5 people die who have severe depression (moi). Only 1 in 50 people die from eating disorders. And its not the people who weigh 100 lbs at 5'5 and have perfect medical stats. its the ones who weigh almost nothing/have low electrolytes/have failing organs.

So parents, FRIGGIN LEAVE ME ALONE! You've increased my chance of dying while trying to "save" me.

F*** this. Rant over.