ozmagirl's Journal

So Ive been sick for a couple of weeks which has not been fun.  It kept me out of the gym for the whole time and I have suffered for it.  I couldnt even get past 2.5 miles yesterday (1st day back) whereas two weeks ago I was running 4.5 before I even stopped running. 

Either way, I am 5lbs away from my goal.  It seems so completely unbelievable to me.  I know I look better, though I still feel like I am fat sometimes when I see a bulge over my jeans or whatever.  I wonder when that feeling will go away.  I'm a size six now which I never thought I would see again and it feels so amazing to me!  Everyone keeps commenting on how much weight I have lost, but I'm still not quite there.  I don't know when I will get to the right spot, but it doesn't feel right just yet. 

I used to hate when I saw thin people complain about being fat...but now I guess I can see how they feel.  I don't feel thin even though I may look it.  I still feel overweight though the scale tells me otherwise.  I hope that this changes soon.  I don't want to keep striving for a goal that has already been reached.  Once I get to 125 I want to feel like that is it and I don't need to lose more.

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my eating got thrown way out of wack.  I tried to be as healthy as possible with what was available though.  I am so angry about that.  I hate being away from home where I can't control my meals!

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So I only lost 1 lb.  I am incredibly disheartened.  How could I only lose 1 lb?

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Okay so my next weigh in is tomorrow and I'm really scared.  What if I haven't lost any weight?  I think I would be really devastated.  I felt like my tummy was bigger yesterday and I had 1534 calories which is way higher than my typical 1350 average.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow morning but I am really worried.

 

I don't want to become obsessive...but I am working towards a goal and I am working very hard.  To see no progress or god forbid a gain would devastate me.

 

I also feel really guilty when I eat big meals...even though I know I am following the SB rules, I still feel like I am eating portions that are much too large and that I should not be having.  Like what if when I get off this phase and add in carbs again...my portions are too big and I gain weight??

 

I am tempted to stay on phase 1, but  I know that is not healthy.  Instead I will add back the fruit and only have 1 meal that has a whole grain in it.  Either lunch or dinner as breakfast will be fruit/ yogurt.

 

I just have to be really careful....I will do my best though.  I WILL GET TO MY GOAL THIS TIME.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP THIS TIME.  I WILL NOT SAY THAT IT DOESN"T MATTER BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES IN THE END.

 

 

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So I did end up going.  I am so proud of myself.  I hated every second of it, but I still did it.  =)

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I really really really really really really dont want to go to the gym tonight.  How terrible of a person would I be for skipping?  Would it truly be unforgivable?  What if I went on a different day too and that way I would still have my twice a week?

 

Should i just suck it up and go?  I should shouldn't I.....I can hear you all saying...yes you should go.

 

::sigh::

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SO I had my first weigh in today after a week on the south beach diet and I have lost....8 FREAKING POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am down to 140 and I can't wait until next Friday's weigh in. 

I haven't felt this good in so long.  Hopefully I will be back at my wedding weight real soon and from there I can just keep going until I finally get to my goal of 125lbs. 

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My first official weigh in will be this Friday.  I am nervous that I won't have lost as much as I feel that I should have, but I do feel better.  I have been eating really healthy food and sticking to my diet.  I've been keeping to my 1300 calories and yesterday went to the gym and did a good workout. 

The only problem is im facing a little constipation due to the rules of what I can and can't eat, but it is only for 2 weeks so I am not concerned.  I am going to start adding some Benefiber to my green tea when i have it and be done with it.

 

I don't feel so tired anymore and while I don't exactly look forward to my meals, I find it satisfying that I am able to fill myself with so little.

I can't wait until day 14 where I can see the full results of my efforts, but for now I will continue to go as I have been.  I am really happy that I started this diet and that I am sticking to it.  I feel like I can be where I want to be, like I can really get there and finally look and feel wonderful about myself.

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So I ended up with a weight of 133lbs on my wedding day (huge improvement from my original 155)  but now it has been 7 months since and I am back up to 148.  ::sigh:: 

 

Time to get grinding away at the calories again.  I am going to be back there by end of october.  I am doing south beach right now (still in phase 1) and I will lose between 8-13 lbs in the next 2 weeks, which would leave me fairly close. 

 

Even so I will be really strict since I am so upset wiht myself.  I got very little sleep last night but tomorrow I plan to go walking around my neighborhood (forcing the hubby to go) so that I can keep active too.

 

Very little to eat today, but I know it is part of the process. Truthfully I have been too tired to be hungry.  The only frustrating part is figuring out what to eat since at this point I know I won't enjoy it.

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I can't believe I am stressing over this pound and a half, but I had finally made it to 145 and now to just wake up and be 147 again was seriously depressing.  I know I look better and I feel better but the scale just doesn't reflect it.

I don't want to starve but when I was only eating 900 to 1100 calories I felt like I was losing weight more consistently whereas now that I tried adding back in some calories I gained back weight. 

I am not on my period so I shouldn't be retaining water, but I just don't know what I am doing wrong. 

This is seriously depressing me. I think I am not going to weigh myself again until this weekend.


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