painter09's Journal
....Nov 26 2008 19:37
Sometimes I wonder if my intensity will ever be matched by anyone else. I always find myself trying to hold back, so they don't know how much I care. It makes me really sad to think about, but it always feels like no matter how much I care about someone else I will, always be dispensiable to them. You know like if I stopped talking to them they would just dissapear out of my life,because they never really cared to begin with, liek they were just being nice or something.I of course would be heart broken, and at best they would be indifferent.So I try to leave them alone to find out, but something stops me, it feels like if I do that I will go crazy,I mean there is only so much I can be alone. It also breaks my heart when I see websites like facebook, any everyone else always has so many wall posts, and they always have all these pictures of them and their friends, having fun. It feels like I'm missing out on my childhood.I mean if pictures of my life were taken most of them would be of me alone. I know it's normal to be alone,sometimes, but I'm alone to often.It also feels like everything I deal with, I have to deal with alone.I was kind of suicidal for awhile there, but I told my friend, I wasn't going to do it. So I would feel guilty about doing it anyways, so I guess I'm not. Sometimes I wish I hadn't told them anything, so I could do it without guilt. So now it feels like I'm going to rot away, or I'm just going to slowly lose my sanity...I don't know life kind of sucks...
Oh painter. I'm not sure what to say, except that I hate to have you feeling so down. You were so excited about your bet and making some changes. I realize that it hurts to be alone sometimes. Everybody feels that way, even the people you fear will just disappear from your life. They may be distant because they have things on thier minds, just like you. I'm sure it is not personal. We all tend to get lost in our problems or worries and forget about the world around us. They only other advice I can offer is to try and be at peace with being alone. Do things that you really love to do...sing, draw, walk, paint, give yourself a facial...whatever it is, just enjoy the time you have and learn that you are a wonderful person. Life will only get more hectic as you get older. Someday you will wonder if you will ever get a minute to yourself. You'll learn that in time. For now try to stay positive and remember that your friends need you as much as you need them. I know I am only a blogger on a dieting website, but you can message me anytime. I have been wondering how you were doing. Only wish I had messaged you when I thought about it.
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Hey painter I will send you a message soon, so check your inbox next time you login.
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