paperballet's Journal

counting, journaling, writing it down
Nov 11 2009 09:26

this is about the only way i know to really lose it without losing my mind. i just have to take the time to WRITE IT DOWN. i got a bunch of old blank weight watchers trackers and i am using those. i like the physical act of writing and it stays on my coun ter, where i should b eating- not out at fast food places.

for those times i am out and about, i have an iphone app called "dailycount" that works perfectly. you can even put in your points values instead of cals, too.

i am moved into a new home. my career is taking off and my daughter was on honor roll again. i am truly blessed. i wish i could be magically blessed with a better body, but i know that's a lame wish since i ate my way back to 230 pounds.

it's going to take time.

life is short, but we DO have time, maybe a year or two o focus and get this weight thing under control, ya know?

i just refuse to let the next 40 years of my life be torn apart by 75 pounds.

sept 3, first day of celexa
Sep 03 2009 09:54

i was feeling so angry and so out of control this morning that i finally decided to go ahead and take the first celexa from the pack my dr. prescribed. i do suffer from depression a lot, but i am trying to wisely take care of myself. after a long time trying to do this alone, i am enlisting help from my dr. my therapist and my fiance. i know i feel sick the first few days, as this is not the first time i've been on celexa. and then i have hot flashes and some mild tremors and jaw clenching, but... eventually i feel pretty good on it.

please say some prayers for me in this time of adjustment. i can feel really disconnected and i want to remain calm and focused.

love to all,

kelly

natural approach
Aug 22 2009 01:36

i have been relatively happy lately. my desire to become strong again has grown and manifested in new and exciting ways, such as walking more and buying fresh fruits and vegetables. i also bought the 200 under 200 Hungry Girl book. it's full of wonderful ideas. but right now, i am eating some cherries and grapes and trying to come to terms with the fact that certain foods harm me and weaken me. [chocolates, fats, sugars and white flours] i have a lot more energy lately and i attribute this late night/early morning post to my increased energy.

we signed the contract on our new house and hopefully we'll be home-owners within the month. truly awesome. i am so blessed nd i want to continue to show my joy at this fact.

right now, though, i just hope i can calm my mind down enough to rest. i have to be up in 5 hours!

well, five days ago...
Aug 19 2009 08:48

i was on the right track, but eating out has been a setback. excuses have been a major setback as well. i try walking but it hurts so much, i just get mad afterward. today's breakfast was 900 calories: a number four chick-fil-a egg/cheese biscuit with hash browns, Polynesian sauce and a coffee with two creamers. i gave the bacon to the dog, but big whoop. bacon is like 30 cals a slice.

we are trying to find a house right now and so that's taking the front lines in my head. the worst part is i don't feel particularly fat until i try on clothes or weigh in or try walking. this has been a tough battle for me. i don't know what to do any more.

i am on that borderline of just accepting my fat body and being a bbw.

i guess we can lose weight and gain it back- because i have done it. just that. it's so pathetic and sad. mostly i feel ashamed and i don't want to leave my house. what's worse is, now, rather than having a friend with me doing this, i am alone.

i dunno. i just don't see myself losing this weight again.

ten days later
Aug 14 2009 15:44

still feeling a bit sorry for myself... but more motivated. at least i spit OUT the cake i shoved in my mouth this morning AFTER eating breakfast. i have not yet convinced myself that it's okay to throw out the leftover chili's black bean burger, the copeland's half po boy from last night, not to mention the three pieces of cake still left in the fridge- but i might be convinced by someone else! GONE!

it's scary. for the first time in my life, i know what the limits are of my body. when i was losing weight previously, i knew nothing of weight loss, weight lifting or movement. i didn't know i would be THAT sore after lifting 20 pounds... but now, after having lost and gained back so much weight- i feel it! i really feel those muscles WORKING just lifting two 2lb weights in each hand. i shit you not. i try not to beat myself up, but it is so hard not to. all i keep thinking is how could i end up BACK here? of course, i am still operating on a 70 pound overall loss, but it's not my original 125 pounds loss any more. and those 50 pounds? they freaking HURT! i have gained a lot of fat and lost a lot of muscle. it shows and i feel it in my back, my arms and my legs. even my FEET!

i deserve a new fresh start. this isn't anyone's problem but mine; it's my choice to be this way or to turn around and embrace the fitness routine i had once. but i know i can't go back to being that healthy overnight. it's going to take some nutritional work. some light walking, followed by more nutritional work, journaling, support from friends and family - AND more walking, followed by even more weight training. all of those small 45 minutes sessions of writing an talking and moving are going to add up- i know from my own damn experience.

i wish i could just look at where i started and see that it's not impossible. 225 pounds is not the magic number of obesity that says "point of no return; must gain weight until i explode!"

it's 40 pounds to lose before i am back at my all-time lowest weight, and probably 6 months at the gym before i see the awesome muscles i once owned coming back into view. i can do this! it's just going to take a long time to get back to where i was... to the place where *i* felt fit and strong. and, well, emotionally speaking? - working hard the rest of my life to feel like happiness is OKAY!

this is key for me:

the closer i got to goal, the more afraid i became of being happy. happiness requires work and commitment and a lot of love in one's life. it can be hard to be happy when faced with people who aren't very happy. i remember telling my stepmother when i was around 180 pounds how i felt like i had control over my life finally- and you know what she said?

"oh really? i doubt THAT!"

[i remember feeling so fat and awful when she said that to me. i felt like the big fat girl ALL OVER AGAIN, and i didn't enjoy anyone else's compliments that day either. seriously, that's how much my family sucks, not to mention how faulty my own thinking has become over the years.]

i just have to get those voices out of my head.

i can be happy and i need to or else i am going to pass on this disease to my young daughter and she's going to struggle with unhealthy habits HER whole life, just like i did.

i just have to keep swimming... keep on working toward writing down these thoughts and not hide from them.

i feel pretty alone right now.
Aug 03 2009 08:35

i have gained a lot of weight. i keep having terrible feelings of failure. at a very unfit 225 pounds, i avoid the scale and movement as much as possible. the pain in my body and my mind is tragic, especially for someone who once inspired others to be fit. i just keep wondering what happened to that girl who wanted to go walk the dogs in 90 degree heat no matter what- just because it made me FEEL GOOD? at 180 pounds of muscle, that was much easier to do. moving 225 pounds of fat tissue is hot, miserable and unforgiving.

lately, i just scrapbook and hide in my apartment. i don't want to get married looking like this, but i am afraid i can't stick to anything any more. i bite my nails al the time now, too, though i have not started smoking again, thankfully. i just wonder when it will end... when will i stop thinking like this and start really loving myself for me and for my accomplishments?

even now, i some how have this disconnect between who i really am and the person who loses weight. almost as if *I* am not really doing it, but another force beyond me was losing the weight. so i guess, i never really felt like i did anything other than watch myself shrink and then give credit to everyone else for it. weird, i know.

i am going to be 35 this year and i live in FEAR that i will end up 40 and fat. much less, spend the rest of my 30s being obese as well.

all of this is insanity.

it truly is.

i don't blame you
Jul 07 2009 09:30

i don't blame you

1. for thinking overindulgence is a reward.
2. for believing this one bite won't matter.
3. for giving up when you're so close to the end.
4. for not really trying when it gets hard.
5. for showing only the good parts of your face and body.
6. for finally wanting to cash in the chips.
7. for regretting mistakes.
8. for being jealous and cynical.
9. for thinking numbers, numbers, numbers.
10. for giving in and giving up.

those things are forgiven. you are free from that now. moving on and delighting in the NOW is how i will regain my strength and my happiness. i let this happen. the subtle, slow changes in diet. the "allowances" that felt good for a week, then were torture on my body after months. the weight that i carry, now, due to overeating and not working out when i should have. these are struggles. some people get it. some, for some like me even, it just clicks. then one day- our emotions and self-pity click even LOUDER and bam! we are back at square one. [well, not quite, but closer than ever before]

i realized this week i have to take charge NOW or else this spiral will become more and more difficult to swing back in the other direction. i struggle, it is what i have trained myelf to do. but i am trying to get to a reasonable goal, thanks to my boyfriend, and he is with me on this, too. i am not losing out of anger, out of self-harm... i am going to lose weight for the preservation of myself. ands what is 25 pounds? in the course of my whole existence, 25 pounds is something so attainable.

i can do it. we can do it.

good things are coming.

do you trick yourself too?
May 12 2009 22:58

i like to think that a meal where i do not count calories is "okay" as long as i am working out. but i know for a FACT that this is faulty thinking and something i have to nip in the bud ASAP. tomorrow i will go shopping and do myself a favor by working on controlling what i can calculate by eating more meals at home. this is one thing i am not going to blame on anyone but ME. i cannot count calories and keep fit whilst eating at Mexican places with no nutritional content.

other than that, i weighed myself and i had actually gained. which is frustrating but i also know it can be overturned by working harder. i didn't gain weight because of any lack of effort. it's probably just water or something right now. especially from sore muscles and stored water/glycogen.

i have had a lot more energy.

i even took a WALK after my workout. :)

a day of counting!
May 12 2009 00:08

so excited... i could have done better on cals [1570] BUT, i did workout for 1.5 hours today. that helps. so essentially it all evened out.

just keep on going... the little engine that could!

group therapy
May 11 2009 12:45

i went to group and my therapist was supportive of doing calorie count, having a group approach to support. when it comes to challenges, i am not always the first person to give up, but i am still my own worst enemy. what i am striving for, emotionally, is to eat better, choose healthier people around me and to make sure i am working on my physical strength & stamina. all of these things help my depression IMMENSELY. the added bonus: weight loss. still counting at lunch. usually, this is my cut-off point, where decisions become lousy and i start to fade into the background of daily chaos.

mindfulness in all things.

especially emotional choices.