paperballet's Journal
i feel pretty alone right now.Aug 03 2009 08:35
i have gained a lot of weight. i keep having terrible feelings of failure. at a very unfit 225 pounds, i avoid the scale and movement as much as possible. the pain in my body and my mind is tragic, especially for someone who once inspired others to be fit. i just keep wondering what happened to that girl who wanted to go walk the dogs in 90 degree heat no matter what- just because it made me FEEL GOOD? at 180 pounds of muscle, that was much easier to do. moving 225 pounds of fat tissue is hot, miserable and unforgiving.
lately, i just scrapbook and hide in my apartment. i don't want to get married looking like this, but i am afraid i can't stick to anything any more. i bite my nails al the time now, too, though i have not started smoking again, thankfully. i just wonder when it will end... when will i stop thinking like this and start really loving myself for me and for my accomplishments?
even now, i some how have this disconnect between who i really am and the person who loses weight. almost as if *I* am not really doing it, but another force beyond me was losing the weight. so i guess, i never really felt like i did anything other than watch myself shrink and then give credit to everyone else for it. weird, i know.
i am going to be 35 this year and i live in FEAR that i will end up 40 and fat. much less, spend the rest of my 30s being obese as well.
all of this is insanity.
it truly is.
i know its hard we ALL have back tracked at some point.. what is important is we pick ourselves up and jump back on the saddle it took us a long time to gain our weight and it will not be easy to lose it but you have done it before and can again and u will |
((((Hugs)))) I dont know the words to tell you to magically make it all work. All I know is that it takes something deep inside of YOU and if you make yourself move you feel better and then if you continue to make yourself move you continue to feel better. The better feeds on the better just like the worse feeds on the worse...pick your day and break the cycle. Its just crazy how much exercise and endorphins can work magic if you let them. |
I hear ya girl... earlier this year I was doing good, down 25 pounds, on the way to the amazing awesomeness that was surely my due for my hard work and sacrifice and clean living... ... and then I got buried in work, started eating a bag of dill pickle potato chips every day and 7 months later, boom, back where I started. It's enough to make a man cry. Which I won't do. Because I'm a man. And men don't cry. So there. I'd love to give you some inspirational comment or tidbit of wisdom that'd help get you out of your funk and back on the path to your own insanely great thing, but really... I got nuttin. I've got my own problems. Why are you badgering me about this stuff anyways? Jeez. All kidding aside, one thing that does work is peer pressure. If you want, I'd be willing to keep tabs on you and kick you in the ass if you're not losing. I'll be merciless and savage and tough-lovey. 'Cuz, you know, I'm cool like that. |
your words mean a lot to me. i'm like dori on finding nemo- just keep swimming. |
Is jump roping as good an exercise as running?
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