paperballet's Journal

ten days later
Aug 14 2009 15:44

still feeling a bit sorry for myself... but more motivated. at least i spit OUT the cake i shoved in my mouth this morning AFTER eating breakfast. i have not yet convinced myself that it's okay to throw out the leftover chili's black bean burger, the copeland's half po boy from last night, not to mention the three pieces of cake still left in the fridge- but i might be convinced by someone else! GONE!

it's scary. for the first time in my life, i know what the limits are of my body. when i was losing weight previously, i knew nothing of weight loss, weight lifting or movement. i didn't know i would be THAT sore after lifting 20 pounds... but now, after having lost and gained back so much weight- i feel it! i really feel those muscles WORKING just lifting two 2lb weights in each hand. i shit you not. i try not to beat myself up, but it is so hard not to. all i keep thinking is how could i end up BACK here? of course, i am still operating on a 70 pound overall loss, but it's not my original 125 pounds loss any more. and those 50 pounds? they freaking HURT! i have gained a lot of fat and lost a lot of muscle. it shows and i feel it in my back, my arms and my legs. even my FEET!

i deserve a new fresh start. this isn't anyone's problem but mine; it's my choice to be this way or to turn around and embrace the fitness routine i had once. but i know i can't go back to being that healthy overnight. it's going to take some nutritional work. some light walking, followed by more nutritional work, journaling, support from friends and family - AND more walking, followed by even more weight training. all of those small 45 minutes sessions of writing an talking and moving are going to add up- i know from my own damn experience.

i wish i could just look at where i started and see that it's not impossible. 225 pounds is not the magic number of obesity that says "point of no return; must gain weight until i explode!"

it's 40 pounds to lose before i am back at my all-time lowest weight, and probably 6 months at the gym before i see the awesome muscles i once owned coming back into view. i can do this! it's just going to take a long time to get back to where i was... to the place where *i* felt fit and strong. and, well, emotionally speaking? - working hard the rest of my life to feel like happiness is OKAY!

this is key for me:

the closer i got to goal, the more afraid i became of being happy. happiness requires work and commitment and a lot of love in one's life. it can be hard to be happy when faced with people who aren't very happy. i remember telling my stepmother when i was around 180 pounds how i felt like i had control over my life finally- and you know what she said?

"oh really? i doubt THAT!"

[i remember feeling so fat and awful when she said that to me. i felt like the big fat girl ALL OVER AGAIN, and i didn't enjoy anyone else's compliments that day either. seriously, that's how much my family sucks, not to mention how faulty my own thinking has become over the years.]

i just have to get those voices out of my head.

i can be happy and i need to or else i am going to pass on this disease to my young daughter and she's going to struggle with unhealthy habits HER whole life, just like i did.

i just have to keep swimming... keep on working toward writing down these thoughts and not hide from them.