personaltrainer87's Journal

some times I would kill myself if it was painless.
Feb 02 2009 10:06

Can some one please talk to me. I just need to talk.

I am not the sort of person who has good friends, confiding in people and becoming “ close” and being all buddy buddy like they are on the sex and the city movie is not my style - I prefer to do those things with people and have fun with people but to call them “ acquaintances” ; I do not enjoy relying too much on people, I just enjoy their company without getting very close.

The problem is, my relationship with my parents has deteriorated, and I have no siblings and therefore without my parents I have no one close to me.

My parents are like me - they are both successful, great, wonderful people yet the only person they have a close relationship to is each other; they socialize a lot and have a lot of friends and are well liked and they have fun but they just don’t consider any one else “ close” friends and they function fine.

I just feel uncomfortable getting very close with people, I would rather have them in every other way as friends.

My problem is; my relationship with my parents has deteriorated today. For reasons I won’t talk about but after what happened today I honestly can not bring myself to eat.

I feel like nothing, and therefore I feel the need for my body to reflect how I feel; it is weird.

I have no desire to look thin, it is just a form of punishing myself; it is what I feel I deserve

I can be an unreasonable person, which is why I pissed my dad off today and so I want to go around looking like the piece of shit that I can be.

I will still eat because I am so familiar with eating 5 meals a day regularly and my body is in such a healthy routine, but I just have an urge to not make an effort to eat enough so my body looks sick because I do not feel I deserve optimal health.

Despite eating 5 healthy meals a day and a good amount of calories I have a tendency to be lean ( BMI almost 20) so I cannot afford to lose a few lbs like most people can; I am physically very healthy at my weight but if I lose any more I know that I will become under weight and that is not healthy.

It is a weak thing to do - to punish myself instead of dealing with the problem. But I feel like being weak. I do not feel like being all warm and fizzy and sorting things out and making thing move in a better direction; I feel cold and shit and like a bad person at times and I want to indulge in that hatred of myself. It is so much easier. I want to be a baby; I do not want to make an effort, I just want the easy way out.

Hmmm. It feels much better to write things down then to go and blab my heart out to a person; it serves me much better then having “ close friends”.

The idea of having a bunch of girlfriends I tell everything too actually makes me feel sick, it is just so different to who I am.

I am a warm person on the outside to people, I am not some b*tch that hates people, I just feel disgusting bearing my soul to some one else, unless they are my husband or close family ( who were my parents)

My parents suffer so much; I cannot accept that so I also want to punish myself so I can suffer like them. They are both sick. They both go through a lot of hardship. We are not wealthy but they can afford to give me a very comfortable life, and the thought that I can sit around and have so much feels SO WRONG!

When I think of myself sitting on my bed in my room with my good TV , with my 200 Australian dollar hair cut and colour, it makes me feel like a disgusting insignificant shell of a person who should shrink and starve down to the size she is worth.