personaltrainer87's Journal

just blabbing
Oct 26 2009 00:41

Had sh1tty first half of day.

I am past the point of binge eating.

Now, I just let myself sit there and over eat a large amount of food in a short space of time.

I realize there are times that I will want to eat for enjoyment,  or at times when I would rather derive enjoyment from food, than from feeling the actual problem/doing something constructive about it lol.


So, most ppl would be shocked that the 2000 or so calories I ate this morning was actually not a binge.

I self sabotage - I am the WORST person for this…

Due to reasons, something in me ALWAYS tries to find something to feel anxious about.

My on/of insomnia is due to that;  even in perfect conditions, my mind will try to  find things to think about. When everything is going great,  I obsess over being worried about why I cannot sleep.

Things are going well in life.

But, this morning, I went downstairs to get small container of strawberries.    I  usually eat breakfast in two goes…. Very early, then go back to sleep or study.  Than I have rest of breakfast/ more food.

So I got strawberries. Than had some grapes. Than a banana. Than, I can BARLY recall eating a whole lot of other sh!T

Literally, I BARLY remember doing it!

There was no struggle - as in, I did not feel any loss of control;  I just let myself eat it all because I felt like it. I was not struggling to try to prevent myself..  

Sort of in between a binge -  I do not like the fact I am eating a lot - but I resign myself to the fact that I need or want to do it. So I let myself do it before I do it - I do not try to stop myself, or lose control while doing it.

I accept that I will eat a lot/without being hungry before I do it.


ANY WAY.

Physically it is not all bad  - I eat clean, no sugar or etc. I simply do not need sugar or preservatives to enjoy food to its potential; I genuinely enjoy food without these things, so why include them, right?

I have  STRONG STRONG intuitive feeling that this was SELF SABOTAGE>

One of the ways I sabotage myself, is by eating too much food, because it is one of the number one things that makes me feel bad.

This morning it was definitely a lot to do with self sabotage.

Things are good. So for no apparent reason, I go eat all that food.

Even though I was not hungry. And even though I treat myself with lovely food every day any way - there is no deprivation in my diet. I eat raw chocolate every day.

So - I strongly feel it was mostly self sabotage.

It was SO SCARY AND UNEXPECTED THOUGH

Because I just could not see it coming

I took sleeping pills before bed -  I had not taken the pills in over a month, so decided to have a few.

Next thing I know, I barley remember eating a massive amount of food!


Seriously!  I hardly remember doing it!!!!!

So, that is quiet scary. That I can just lose control and so carelessly let myself go and eat a lot for no particular reason LOL.


I am not concerned so much with it occurring again -  I am only buying one days worth or so of food from now on -  which I had been doing any way

Except I had peanut butter, and brought nut butters, and there was cheese in the fridge. Other than that, I only had 1 days of supply of food.

And I am never tempted to binge on fresh fruit or etc because I have so much of that every day


So from now on I know I am not ready to have nut butters in the house

And  I will only have enough fruit and proteins to last a day

And I also have started to only buy nuts in individual portions.

It may seam like I am reinforcing the idea that I cannot control myself

But it actually makes me feel a lot better when I only have one serving of nuts in the house, or one serving of chocolate.

It does not make me feel less able to restrain myself when I AM presented with large amounts of chocolate or foods….

When larger amounts are in the house I am usually fine and my urge to eat too much is not any stronger

However, I naturally just enjoy almond butter. And peanut butter. A lot.  And I have a tendency to eat a little too much most times that I eat them

So I have come to the conclusion that, if I go a little over board with the peanut butter, it is sensible to not have it in the house, and to only have it in small portions.