personaltrainer87's Journal

more blabbing
Oct 27 2009 14:09

Thanks for the great insight, it makes sense and could be hindering me.

I am scared of true hardships in life - that is part of the issue -   I have had such an easy life, than I truly fear REAL problems, because I have never had to face them

So it makes sense that I try to create my own controlled problems - to get me used to the pain that I will face, when I encounter those other problems.. Because I am scared, and possible doubt my ability to deal with REAL problems in life, maybe I create my own to I feel more  “ready” for those other challenges (which I feel too weak to face)

Of course, I HAVE gone through my own hell with my eating disorders and other social issues - so, it is possible for people like me to go through something of the same significance, as a lesser fortunate person (money problems, etc)

I have had an easy life. I am an only child, and my parents have never been rich, but have always had enough to adequately support me and give me a good life.

At 22 years old, I maintain contact with parents, have good relationship (although not perfect), and I do not have to work or study for long hours.

Up until about 20 years old I was lazy and a negative, toxic person and I never made an effort in life. I never once tried in school, and never once tried to do anything healthy for my body. So, I did not achieve anything, and my unhealthy physical state contributed to making me feel worse over all. I had no pride or sense of achievement.

So, eventually I realized that I have potential, I am not stupid, and I need to try to achieve things in life in order to feel fulfilled and experience happy ness.  And if I did not like my body - I needed to do something about it - eat healthier  - stop constantly over eating - and exercise.

So after years of hating who I was, I decided that I was sick of feeling this way and decided to do something about it.

I got my personal training certification, got my driving license,  and made steps towards being a normal/successful adult.

I also started to recover from anorexia, and battled other subsequent  disordered eating patterns, even after I had 100% accepted that I had to be a healthy weight


So NOW -  this year I have enrolled in a University course.

I have always wanted to get a degree from university - when I was young, before I started with all the negative ness, I was bright, did well ins school, and I knew that I was the kind of person that wanted to try their best to achieve impressive things - such as getting a degree.

So after never studying before in my life, this year I enrolled in a University course - it is a course that prepares you for university entrance.

Basically - it is for people who have completed high school but have had a few years off - and do not feel confident enough to go straight into a university degree -

In my case - I did not make any effort in high school,  so I needed this course to I could learn how to study - as I have seriously NEVER studied, until 22 years old

The course is two subjects - you pick two. I chose chemistry and linguistics -  chemistry turns into life sciences in second semester of course.

It is university level material - but it is only part time

So I am learning how to study part time, at a university level


And completing this course gets you IN to university - the better my mark for the course, the more courses and degrees I can get into

The minimum is 20 hours study per week - so only part time

About 3 - 4 hours daily.

But I have come from NEVER STUDYING in my LIFE.

I am lazy - I have always been lazy and I have never worked hard. So even doing 4 hours, with NO job, family, or commitments, is  REALLY HARD

I got a high distinction for each subject - which is the highest mark - 85% or higher (although you never knew exactly the mark you got)

I only got the high distinctions because I have all my spare time to make myself study - I am such a lazy person that it takes all my effort just to make myself work hard.


One thing I have achieved and worked towards, is physical healthy - I have committed for years now to a regular gym class most days of the week.

So that is one aspect of my life I do very well in - I have worked hard to reach an optimal weight and state of health - although I can always  improve, I know much more about how to eat healthy than most people.

I have a good idea of how I need to eat, and exercise to feel good and attain the body I am comfortable with.

I have worked out the exercise and physical challenges I enjoy enough to sustain too

And I have found a balance between doing what is : healthiest” and what I “ feel like” doing.

Fortunately, I genuinely love large raw salads (hate cooked veg  - tasteless -  I need crunchy juicy and refreshing cos lettuce and cucumber/celery)

I also love fruit, and proteins.

A treat for me is some almond butter or peanut butter,   OR some raw chocolate - which is choc that is ONLY pure choc (cacoa butter and powder)  with added vanilla and natural flavors, and then made into a block of chocolate - it is not even heated so the flavor is very intense. SO normal chocolate - exact same ingredients - only it does not have added sugar or milk solids or cr@p, and it is not “ cooked”

So, I SHOULD give myself some credit - although I am very lazy in many ways - I have still worked hard and achieved a lot in regards to my health

What I am most proud of in regards to my health, is that I have learnt how to ENJOY being healthy; I do not am not MAKING myself -  and  it is very fulfilling to genuinely only crave healthy natural foods.

Honestly - I have not had processed foods or sugar in years - well sugar I have stopped having for 1 year or so -  

I am not scared of it - I just simply to not feel the need to have refined sugar. So why have something I you do not enjoy it?  

I love fresh fruits, and also almond butter, and I get my sweet fix from that.

Basically, as most people have heard, the longer you eat less processed foods, the more your taste buds no longer recognize or respond to fake, man made artificial food.

It started on a small scale too - my ability to only crave natural foods

It was before I had done any research or anything - before I took a huge interest in reaching my optimal health…

Back when I was not happy with my body - I cut out fast foods and one of the other things that made sense at the time, was to stop eating lollies or sweets or processed, man made foods.

So now,  years later, I do not have the taste for processed and fake foods.

But let me tell you - I still have still had a lot of problems with over eating and using food for boredom, to procrastinate, and etc…

So issues regarding food do not go away even if you have a 100% pure diet.

I better get back to studying now

I know I have it in me to work harder. Each day I need to just get down to work - I will try each day to improve -  I will not wait for a good : time”   to suddenly change my very lazy ways -  it makes more sense to try my best each day to improve it..

Small, realistic steps should be the result - because it is not always possible to change habits over night. Although some people can!