raine1951's Journal

today is the day
Jul 04 2009 09:58

This is it. Standing on the scale wanting to see my feet, I am more determined than ever to beat this belly back and join the ranks of those who can buy nice clothes. I do not like being fat, buying jeans with elastic waist bands and being looked at as though I am some sort of loathsome creature who just crawled out of a cave. I have lupus; some of this weight is due to the prescription drugs I must take to combat its many manifestations. But I am also fat because I don't get about much and I eat too many calories for my daily needs. I am also poor as a church mouse, so eating "right" is very hard because fresh foods cost so much. Also, I get little sleep because of constant pain all over. Pick a spot and it hurts. I have angina (small vessel disease, my big arteries look clean) , so strenuous activity causes big chest pain, shortness of breath, cold sweats....the docs and I haven't overcome this obstacle yet. I cannot go back to the gym until we do. They are afraid at the gym that I could croak on the treadmill, even though I have shown I can walk for 2 miles at 3.8 mph and barely break out in a sweat. I just can't do aerobics. Go figure. Due to lupus, I cannot be out in the sun, so walking the neighborhood is OUT. I look forward to being trim again. I was for  years. Then I had a major vascular stroke.....paralyzed on my left side for 2 years until I made myself learn how to walk and move again. Quite an accomplishment. There is a good deal more to that story but I'll not write it here. Suffice to say, I couldn't string 2 words together to make any sense, either. I am much better, but still have a limited short term memory. I can get about, now I want my old body back...not this one. I will settle happily for something even similar to the one I had before. Not quite so Rubenesque.