red_herring's Journal

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First time in a while
Apr 06 2008 14:58

So its been about 2 years since I've posted here.
So much has changed
And yet so much hasnt
I stopped purging for about a year! And now its back. with a vengence.
This is going to be my censored diary - no swearing, controlled and thoughtful. To figure out whats wrong with me.

For me there's two sides of myself. The normal me - healthy and happy, and the other darker side, which I'm going to call "Mia" because she bingers, often purges, is moody and rude and selfish. She is coming out more as I get more stressed, but I cant controll the stress. The normal stress reliases dont help me
Running - i hate it. I'm slow and its painful so when i run i stress more about how slow and terrible i am. Same with bike riding - i am very unco and unbalanced!!
Reading - I'm a uni student. It feels like work. When i read i think "I should be doing my politics/history/indo reading instead!! Why am I wasting time!!!"
Drawing - I used to do this but now I dont ave the creativity
Cooking - This i sthe only thing I enjoy except when the porridge spills over!!! I used to be so bad, btu I'm getting better so its not as stresseful. But its time consuming and centered around food, which I want to avoid!!
Shopping - I love it but i feel like i'm wasting time and money, and i cant drive, so any time the boyf takes me its a rush and i get more stressed!!

Replies

1. elizabethberg
Apr 06 2008 23:50

i dont find you creepy, i find you refreshing. I found someone in my situation. i understand what your going through. its stressful for me too. and i purge like you do, when im stressed. I have my own "mia" i might not have named her, but shes there under the layers. theres the Liz everyone sees, and the Liz that's there when shes alone in the apartment when only the dog is around. Between writing the papers, reading 200 pages a day and trying to keep my head above water the normal stress releasers arent working for me either. its like she said in Titanic "it like screaming in a crowded room and no one turns around to hear me."

I think well be able to get eachother through this

2. meleba
Apr 08 2008 03:33

I'm in the same situation, too. (If you look at my journal, you'll see me and Mia are battling it out, heh.) I thought I'd gotten over bingeing and purging, but now the cycle seems back with a vengeance. It's my third day in a row without it, which is the best I've done in three weeks.

What's been helping me these last three days is walking my dog every time I want to do a b/p. I go at a slow pace, (my dog is old,) for about fifteen minutes, and it really helps me get my mind back into a safe mode.

I used to cook too, but lately it's too hard not to binge while I'm working with all those delicious ingredients. Someday when I get my control back I plan on cooking again.

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