restless_girl's Journal

Food Diary - 12th August
Aug 12 2009 20:09

I was thinking, OH GREAT! A deficit!
... Then realised I just drank it away with booze.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of home-made muesli W/ 3/4 cup of rice milk

Snack: 1 peanut butter and honey sandwich, chocolate chip cookie, half a cupcake

.... Oh god I didn't log the peanut butter sandwich....

Lunch: 1 foot long veggie delight sub from Subway, +1 pack of salt and vinegar chips, christ, didn't log the chips either.

Snack: crackers and cheese W/chutney and sauce

Dinner: Chinese takeaways

Snacks: 2 squares of chocolate, 1 (maybe anotheri n a minute) smirnoff ice)

Total Calories: a billlon.
Ok, it's 1,966 not counting chips, peanut butter and honey sandwich, chocolate and smirrnoff....
So easily 3000, if not closer to 4 i would imagine with all the occasional picking and probable underestimating with the takeout.

*sob* I feel like craaaap.
Sad, depressed and lonely.
I feel like a devorced 32 year old with no hope of happiness ever again.
I feel like I might as well die now because there isn't anything left for me.

... more booze perhaps...

Food Diary - 11th August
Aug 12 2009 07:24

Breakfast: Yugo Chocolate Yogurt - 158 cal
                  2 tablespoons of muesli - 62 cal

Snack: 1/2 cup of kiwifruit - 52 cal

Lunch: 1 1/2 cups of rice - 325 cal
             1 cup of roasted vegetables and chickpeas in Satay Sauce - 365 cal

Snack: 1 cup of kiwifruit - 110 cal

Dinner: 2 falafels - 170
              2 cups of Vegetables in tomato pasta sauce - 196 cal

Snacks: 2 quares of chocolate and 2 tablespoons of cake batter - 200 cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1,637
Total Calories Burnt: 2,210
Total Caloric Deficit: 573

I was hungry all day at work today but... oh well.
I guess for the deficit it's ok.
I might have had a bit more than that...
But probably only by 100 cal or so, so still a good deficit I hope.

My weight is back up, I was 66.9kg this morning.
But at least it hasn't gotten past 70 yet which is interesting.

I was really anxious throughout the day today, but I felt ok once I got home.
Started making cakes for Matts sister in-laws birthday this Saturday.
He offered for me to come still, but I think it'd be too uncomfortable.
Ex's don't really attend family birthdays...
His birthday maybe, but not his families. :)

Turns out my friend can't come with us on holiday, 'cause she does TKD and there's going to be a tournament down in Christchurch when we're meant to be going to Aus.
So it'll just be me and my sister.
But oh well.
should still be good. :)

Decided, after my mother advised, that I won't book anything until I have actually recieved my passport... so that there's no worry with that not coming through or something.

Hmm... Light just went out.... but my laptop still has power.... and the lightbulb didn't sound like it pinged...
Odd....

*wanders off to investigate*

Food Diary - 10th August
Aug 10 2009 21:14

Breakfast: 1 Honey and Peanut butter sandwich (1 slice of whole wheat bread, 2 tsp peanut butter, 1 tsp honey) - 171 cal

Snack: 1 Honey and peanut butter sandwich (Same as above but with 1 tsp butter) - 204 cal

Lunch: Morroccan chickpea tomato stew W/1 cups of brown long grain rice - 745 cal

Snack: 1 Grande Soy Latte W/15g sugar - 274 cal
            1 slice of whole wheat bread W/1.5 tsp butter - 137 cal

Dinner: 1 cup of egg noodles - 221 cal
              2/3 cup of stirfried cabbage, carrot and onion - 52 cal
              Satay Sauce - 137 cal estimate (I think it was less than that)

Total Calories Consumed: 1,941
Total Calories Burnt: 2,120
Total Caloric Deficit: 179

Small but ok.
... Hmm.

Food Diary - 5th August
Aug 05 2009 22:35

Blah I feel spacey...

Breakfast: 1 chocolate yogurt (Bad I know, but didn't have one last night only 'cause I told myself I could have one for breakfast today) - 158 cal
1 teaspoon of LSA oil (mixed into the yogurt) - 44 cal

Lunch: 1 cup of long grain brown rice W/1 cup of chickpea and tomato stew - 562 cal

Snacks: 4 Cruskits W/3 tablespoons of hummus
1 small snack-pack of chocolate soy milk W/1 medium banana and 1/2 cup of water (chocolate banana smoothie, yummy) - 144 cal

Dinner: Macaroni pasta W/Vegetables and tomato pasta sauce - 575 cal

Snacks: 1 Cruskit W/1 tsp hummus - 50 cal
1 Chocolate Fish Yogurt (Weird I know but it tastes good....) - 158 cal

Total Calories: 1,958
Total Calories Burnt: 2,220
Total Caloric Deficit: 262

Bad nutrition wise, only got a B+.
But hey, I got like, 95% of my RDI for calcium, that nearly never happens! lol.
I was really hungry today.
I waited until 12 to eat, instead of having a morning tea at 10:30, I don't know if that changed my hunger levels.
Lunch filled me up, but I wasn't really "Comfortable" or "Aware" of my fullness... I just wanted to keep eating.
I stopped however and packed the rest of my days food back into my bag.

Sadly, although sort of to be expected, I was 66.4kg this morning.
Which I am nearly certain is all just water retention from being bloated.
Stupid bowels.
Was really bloated tonight, was really painful.
Gone down a bit now though, so I should be able to sleep. :) Yay.

I feel like it should be Friday, I'm buggered and want to sleeeeeeeep....
But it's only Wednesday, so still two more days of work before the weekend. *sigh*
Oh well, night everybody. :)

Food Diary - 4th August
Aug 05 2009 07:13

Breakfast: Porridge (1/4 cup rolled oats, 1 cup of water, 2 tsp brown sugar, pinch of salt) - 100 cal

Snack: 1 1/2 cups of raspberries - 96 cal

Lunch: 1 cup of mashed potato with 1 cup of home made baked beans and 1 tablespoon of tomato sauce - 569

Snack: 1 Deceptively Delicious Blueberry and Spinach Chocolate muffin - 204 cal

Snack: Home-made roasted vegetable chips (Potato, kumara, parsnip, carrot, onion, garlic, rosemary, canola oil and salt) - 302

Snack: 1 grande soy latte w/sugar - 281
             1 tall tazo passion tea - 0 cal

Dinner: 1/2 tortilla wrap W/1 falafel, 1/4 cup of grated carrot, 1/4 cup of lettuce, 1 tablespoon of tomato sauce and 2 teaspoons of mayonnaise - 209 cal

Snack: 1 cruskit, 2 tablespoons of hummus, 3 tablespoons of rice - 153 cal

Total Calories Consumed: 2,007
Total Calories Burnt: 2,410

(Logged on the morning of the 5th, hence why I'm talking about "today" as if it was "yesterday" Even though I did lots of weeding at work, and lost of walking around carrying heavy grocery bags...
I think I'm eating too much.
I'm worried I'm not burning as much as I think, and that I'm eating more than I should be and that THAT is why I'm gaining weight.
Or was, don't know if I've started gaining weight this month or not.
I was 65.5kg again yesterday.
So I'm thinking all the weight gain is just water weight.
Since I always drop back to 65.5kg (144 pounds) during my period.
So far I did well to stay at 65.5kg until yesterday, since that's 4 days after my period stopped.
Usually by then I'm back to 68kg.
This morning (5th of august) I'm feeling bloated though.
From those pesky beans I ate yesterday, still!
Kind of ridiculous really.
It's so stupid... It's like, what am I supposed to eat?!
Only having red lentils as a protein source gets reeeally boring reeeeally fast.
Plus I'm sick of the flavour of them.
Eggs make me feel sick.
Beans make me terribly bloated and gassy.
Red Lentils make me feel nauseous just thinking about them.
And I can only eat so many tofu sausages before I start disliking the texture!
:( Though to be fair the thought of any food of any sort is making me nauseous lately.
I was worried I was pregnant -dispite getting my period as usual- but Matt has it now too, and also has the "feeling hungry but the thought of any food makes him nauseous".
So hopefully I just have a bug!
Mines lasted for ages... over 2 weeks.
My immune system is shot from taking so many antibiotics, it doesn't know how to do anything anymore.
I can just imagine my lazy little white blood cells suddenly becoming stoners sitting around going, "Whaaat? duuuude, what is that? oh my god it's looking at me *stares at evil cells multiplying in my stomach lining*"
Second White Blood Cell: "Chill man, just rellaaaaax, the antibio-dudes will get rid of it, we're sweeeet."

*sigh*

What can you do to kick your body back into repairing itself??
... I should be asking my mother that, she'll know.
Problem is I have to take antibiotics so frequently that it feels pointless because I will just have to take them again and then my bodies own healing abilities will be reduced to zilch again.

*sigh* anyway.
Food wise, I've forgotten how to make low calorie, highly filling foods.
Maybe it'll be better in summer when more of the watery veggies come back, like courgette.
And tomatoes.
But right now it's all hearty stuff, and it seems so high in calories.
I feel more satisfied when eating just sandwiches at work, so it's hard to feel encouraged to eat more nuritional food.

:) Babble end.

Food Diary - 3 August
Aug 03 2009 20:08

Ok, little while since I posted.
Sorry guys.
Let's get this started again... *talking to self*

Breakfast: 1 Muesli bar - 123 cal

Lunch: 1 peanut butter and honey sandwich (2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 tablespoon of butter, 2 teaspoons of peanut butter, 1 teaspoon of honey) - 359 cal

Snacks: 1 Muesli bar - 123 cal
2 chocolate chip cookies (Home made) - 278 cal
1 tablespoon of Hummus - 26 cal
100ml Black V - 46 cal
1 tablespoon of white beans - 17 cal
1 peanut butter and honey sandwich (1 slice of bread, butter, honey, peanut butter) - 162 cal

Dinner: 1 box (nearly) of Vegetarian Soy Noodles (with tofu) - 778 cal est.

Snack: 3 squares of 73% chocolate - 184 cal

Total Calories Consumed: 2,096
Total Calories Burnt: 1,940

Ok, very bad food choices today... I admit.
Hence why I am back on here logging.
My nutrition is just getting really cruddy.
Since I'm feeling low, I haven't been bothering to cook good food... so I've just been eating convienently.
So, lots of muesli bars, biscuits, take out, etc.
Bleh.
Feeling rather low, self esteme wise, today.
Well, mainly tonight.
Felt ok at work, felt ok throughout the day.
Started thinking again about going to Australia for 5 days for a holiday.
Thinking about asking if my sister and family friend would like to go over with me, for a girly holiday.
Shopping, sunbathing, drinking coffee... and fruity cocktails with umbrellas at night.
*sigh* I dunno.
I feel like getting away, and I want to be warm, because I'm sick of the cold.
I want some SUN, I need some vitamin D Lol.
... Thinking about talking to a travel agent, asking them what sort of deal I could get for 2 grand.
That way I would have 1 grand just for spending.
... I've done well saving, so far, from working.
But it's not like I have bills so it's easy.
Anyway...
I have to talk to my sister and friend first too.
I think it could do me good to relax in the sun for a bit though.
... Might start sorting out my passport tomorrow. :)

Ok, so I cooked up a healthy menu for tomorrow.
Breakfast (though will make it in the morning) will be porridge.
Lunch is home made baked beans with mashed potato.
Snack will be roasted root vegetables, plus 1.5 cups of raspberries.
... Hopefully that will be satisfying enough lol.

:) Anyway... Talk to you all tomorrow.

22 July
Jul 22 2009 23:41

Matt and I broke up.
Hence the lack of posting.

I'm depressed, upset... overwhelmed.

My appetite is down so I'm only eating because I need to.
Had an average of 350-500 cal deficit since Sunday when we broke up.
He said he didn't like me anymore, not romatically anyway.
Said he cared about me and everything, just didn't want to date me anymore.

Fuck.

3 and a half years just gone like that.
I don't know how to function without him anymore.
I don't want to go back to my old alone self.
I was fat, lonely, had horrible self esteem and no friends.
Well, I'm getting fatter, I'm lonely as fuck again, self esteem isn't low i simply have no esteem either way.... and still no friends.
He was my everyone and everything.
All I needed was him, but now he's gone.

11:44, still have work in the morning.
Going to be shit tired but don't care.
I have a doctors appointment at 3 too for the specialist, to do with the uti's and stuff.
Plus the hormonal mood swings and such.
Not looking forward to it.
I don't want to get out of bed at all.
I just want to hibernate until I feel okay again.

Food Diary - 20th July
Jul 21 2009 07:28

Breakfast: Peanut butter and honey sandwich - 162
                  2 Mandarins - 77

Lunch: 1 cup of chickpea masala and rice - 211 cal
             2 slices of bread with butter - 241 cal

snacks: 2 Mandarins - 77 cal

Dinner: 1 cup of mashed potato - 237 cal
             2 cups of stirfried vegetables with balsamic vinaigrette - 178 cal

Snack: 2 chocolate chip cookies - 293 cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1,477
Total Calories Burnt: 1,820
Total Caloric Deficit: 343

Spent the day in bed, didn't have work because I called in sick yesterday as I still wasn't feeling 100% and didn't want to get her boy sick.
He's hard enough work when he's healthy!
... Didn't get up until 6... had a really bad day, but don't feel comfortable talking about it yet.

On the plus side! My sister gave birth at 7:40 I think...
To a brand new baby boy, 8 pound 11.
Which is tiny in our family.
He's the smallest of my mums grandchildren.
Though I'm still the smallest out of them and my siblings, since I was 7 pound 14.
He was so tiny and perfect.
He looked so much like Zak (his 3 yr old brother) does now.
Not anything like Zak as a new born... but zak like he is now.
Aw Zak looked so happy and proud.
He got to be in the birthing pool with her (home water birth).
The daddy got some gorgeous photos! :)

Anyway... I'm posting this Tuesday morning... late again.
So I should go get ready for work.
Bleh, I feel like it's another "Cry in bed all day" kind of day... but I should really go to work!!

Food Diary - 19th July
Jul 19 2009 22:13

Breakfast: Honey Sandwich (1 slice whole wheat bread, 1 tsp butter, 1 tsp honey) - 142 cal

Snack: 1/4 cup of smirnoff ice - 48 cal
             1 cup of mandarins - 103 cal

Lunch: Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam Sandwich (1 slice of whole wheat bread, 1 teaspoon of butter, 1 teaspoon of peanut butter, 1 teaspoon of strawberry jam) - 193 cal

Snacks: 1/2 cup of left overs (pasta, tomato pasta sauce, vegetarian sausage slices) - 156 cal

Dinner: 1 cup of white rice, 1/4 cup of chickpeas with 1/2 cup of masala sauce, 1 large naan bread - 715 cal

Dessert: 1 soft serve cone from mc donalds W/mini flake - 148

Total Calories Consumed: 1,505
Total Calories Burnt: 1,820
Total Caloric Deficit: 315

I feel like I hardly ate today, dispite having 1,505 cal.
Though half of those came from dinner I guess. :)
Odd day...
Don't feel like talking about it yet.
I woke up crying so I wasn't expecting it to be the best day in the world.
Anyway, I went and saw Harry Potter with my mum, two younger brothers, older sister and her partner and toddler.
It was really good, I really enjoyed it.
It was my favourite of the harry potter movies so far.
Although my family thought it was a bit slow...
I dunno, I just liked it.
It was a lot like the book and it touched some more of the schooling subjects.
Like there were more scenes with potions, quidich, social love fratinizations.
It was really sad when dumbledoor died though.
I wanted to cry but I went as a 21st century witch lol, so I had eyeliner on and didn't want to make a huge mess of it.
They sort of overdid the death of Cedric, plus he wasn't a huge character in the books.
But dumbledoors death was quieter... less dramatic I thought.
I guess I was just in the mood for it. :)

Anyway... gotta go to the loo and then better wash all the rest of my makeup off before I fall asleep and smear it all over my pillow!

... And yes, I realise my eating was not nutritious.
I think my dinner was "ok" but still, just "ok".

Here's the nutrition break down... I still got an A- though.

Fat - 22.9% (39 grams)
Protein - 12.5% (48 grams)
Carbohydrates - 64.6% (245 grams)
Alcohol - 0%
Other - 0%

Daily Sodium Intake - 1,011 mg
Daily Sugar Intake - 63 grams
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 21 mg
Daily Saturated Fat Intake - 13 grams
Daily Fiber Intake - 16 grams

Food Diary - 18th July
Jul 18 2009 22:44

Urgh.
I did not do good today, girls.

Breakfast: 2 mandarins - 74 cal
                  1 slice of peanut butter toast (white bread, butter, pb) - 224 cal

Lunch: 1 smirnoff Ice (5%) - 196 cal estimate

Snack: 1 Honey sandwich (1 slice of whole wheat bread, butter, honey) - 176 cal

Dinner: 2 cups of mashed-potato-topped-pasta-bake - 563 cal

Snacks: 2 squares of 72% dark chocolate - 61 cal
              1/2 tsp peanut butter, 1/2 teaspoon of strawberry jam - 28 cal
              1 mandarin - 37 cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1,359
Total Calories Burnt: 1,820
Total Caloric Deficit: 461

Big deficit, awful eating/drinking.

So, as I said in my post for yesterday....
I am sick.
I still feel queasy and my throat feels REALLY strange, and so does my stomach actually.
I went to Matts this morning, 'cause the homoeopathy had made me feel a bit better and I wanted to spend some time with him this weekend.
... God that was a stupid idea.
We watched Just Burried which was rather unusual and kind of funny but ... just OKAY.
And the ending was just so cheesy.
Anyway, then ... we started talking about something, can't even remember what!
He said something that bugged me so I pinched him.
Which I know is childish but he was being childish.
Childish excuse too, lol.
Words don't work with him anymore, he's so freaking immature at the moment.
Anyway, so he said "oi, that hurt" and I said "well, what you said hurt my feelings" and then he started mocking me.
"Ooooow you hurt my feeeeelings" like a freaking little ... 7 year old school boy.
So I pinched him again.
Yes, I'm violent.
I never used to be this bad, but he has started bringing out the worst in me.
So he said it again, so I pinched him again, blah blah blah, went on for awhile.
Eventually I was so pissed off that I just ignored him.
And that put me into a really pissy mood.
Because then he subdues back into a semi-adult.
Except when he asks if I'm mad... 'cause then he puts on this childish voice and goes "Aww are you mad now?".
Grr.
Then since I was in a shit mood and wasn't talking, he went back to playing his pc game.
At this current stage... I can't see any positives coming out of this relationship anymore!
He doesn't make me feel good about myself, he doesn't enjoy spending time with me so when I demand his company we end up fighting or he whinges about being bored, or he twitches and fidgets like a 7 year old, once again.
I can't talk to him anymore, because he doesn't want to listen to me.
He doesn't talk to me.
Grr.
So, I went out to my garden and found the asshole neighbours had thrown more mandarin skins into my garden, so I bitterly picked them out and threw them back.
I heard them yell something from inside so they must've seen, but I didn't care.
When you're that peeved off, you suddenly aren't affraid of screaming huffy maori gangsters.
They're such assholes!!
It's not JUST mandarin skins either.
It's cigarette butts, bottle caps, BOTTLES!!
Anything.
I'm throwing anything back at them now 'cause they're ****ers.
ANYWAY! So I pulled out a beetroot from my garden, and was a little happy about that.
I knew we'd only argue more if I hanged around since Matt was back to his game so I walked home in the rain.
His cars battery is flat plus I didn't want to be in his company at all anymore anyway.

SOOOOooo... Oh, he also had my smirnoff Ices from when I brought some last week, so I brought those home and had one.
Only I hadn't eaten much and I got drunk rather quickly and dozed in bed for a few hours.

Got up to cook the boys dinner, kind of boiled away in my bitterness for awhile.
It faded a bit but I'm still not in a good mood.

The thing that makes me SO mad, is that I'm working 5 days a week.
I might not be working full hours, but even so, even if I come home at 3-4ish, I'm still really tired as if I've worked a full day.
I don't go down to Matts because I have to start cooking my meals for the next day at 7.
So, I don't get to see him Friday night, Saturday or Sunday.
I can't stay at his place on Sunday night obviously, so I don't usually go there on Sunday.
So, there's Friday and Saturday.
Friday I'm usually too tired to walk down to his place, so I don't go now that his car isn't working and he can't just pick me up.
So, that leaves Saturday.
The lazy ass doesn't work, so he has all week to play his stupid computer games and do his geeky chat with his matts online.
So it's only fair for me to want one freaking day alone with him, right?
I mean, with his attention.
He's my boyfriend, he's supposed to want me anyway.
And if he can only have me for one day a week, he should be more interested in spending time with me on that day...
... NOOOOOPE.
He wants to play his game.
GRRRR!!!!!
Does he want to have any serious adult conversations?
NOOOOOOPE he want's to talk and tease like he's 7.
So I have 5 tired days a week, and 1 weekend of fighting and feeling angry, depressed and like my life is just this giant pile of shit.

Lucky me.