rileaf's Friends

Long time since I have visited Calorie Count (aka CC). The site conversion came at a time in my life when I was dealing with A LOT of personal life changes and it was just one more thing. I finally have accepted the old Calorie Count is gone. I"m sort of stubborn that way sometimes. Am I the last to accept the shiny new sparkle?

Life has taken some interesting, unexpected twists. It's been a long road of recovery and healing. Lots of learning. Lots of good things. Time moves so quickly, sometimes.

I've been thinking about where I've been and where I am at. I miss having a journal outside my normal circle of friends that I see day to day or that know me in real life, something definitely outside of any link to business or can be traced to my business, something private - but where I have different friends, with good advice and good feedback.

New Calorie Count (sorry, still new for me) will be a learning curve and a bit of a technical challenge (text bodies no workie with Crackberry, my only internet). So I am on family and library internet access only. It's ok, I'm used to it. 2 years I've learned to live without home internet service and it has been a healthy change.

I thought a lot about making an effort to be involved in CC again and how. I've decided, primarily journal - because it really is a selfish indulgence. Secondary, with sharing whatever positive feedback or experiences I can. 

I hate that the world can be such a negative environment. I can't change the world, but I can control the bubble around me. I accept this limitation. :)

PS - I updated my profile. I'll see what I can do about updating and dusting off some of the cobwebs around here.

 ♥ CLICK HERE to leave a comment! ♥
 

I am feeling like a big whiner, so I titled this entry something nice and positive to pull you all in . Ha! It's really just another sad boring whiny post.

I am still SICK and came to work so feel double ick. I just counld't imagine taking three sick days in a row. The gods were telling me to stay home though...this morning the bus didn't come, then the next bus 20 minutes later was so full it drove right by my stop, with about 8 people standing at it with me, everyone was hopping mad. I laughed. What else can you do? So we'd been standing there freezing our buns off for over half an hour before a bus finally stopped for us. Brutal.

I feel fairly useless today. My head aches, my sinuses are totally clogged, and if being sick isn't enough I've also got some KILLER cramps. I want to crawl under a rock and die. Not very conducive to getting work done.

My first of the month weigh-in was....both good and bad. Bad, because I did not shed the 2.5 lb gain from last month, but good because I didn't gain more. Only because being sick made me lose a few, I am sure, I was sitting higher last week. So being sick is good for something. I really gotta get back into the loss-mode.

In addition to all my woes, I have two other things to bitch about. One, is that I think it's horrible that they allow Big Mac ads on CC. I know it's all run by About. com so CC has no control, that's the usual defense, well WHATEVER I am quite sure they are targeting the weight-loss supplements, self-improvement aids, and now cruelly FAST FOOD specifically to CC. It's shameful and mean.

And two, this is a bit of a personal rant about a certain group on here I joined way back. This group presents itself as being ever so supportive and inclusive (as long as you fit their criteria), but really they are cliquey and I have not gotten a word of support from them. If you are not a part of their inner group, they pretty much ignore you. It reminds me of high school, which is sad because these are people who likely know what it feels like to be ostrasized and seem to be getting a kick out of forming their own clique now. Whatever. I give up on them, I am no longer posting my monthly weigh-ins so they can go ahead and kick me out. I have gotten WAY more support here from you guys than I ever did there, that's for darn sure. So screw em.

Ok I think I done being bitter. Going to go have lunch, maybe that will improve my mood lol.

So I am staying home from work for the second day. I can't remember the last time I took two sick days in a row, certainly years and years ago. I just woke up feeling so YUCK, and with cramps on top of this cold, that I decided another one won't hurt. Nothing pressing at work this week anyway.

I had switched my flex day to last Friday, so I have actually been away from work since Thursday..a mini-holiday, if I weren't spending it on the couch feeling like crap! I started getting sniffly right on Friday and it's been downhill ever since. Also on Friday I went to the gym and worked out extra-hard. There were some meatheads in the weight room and they always intimidate me from going in there, but Friday I said SCREW IT and marched myself in there anyway. Let them look, I don't care. I don't know why but at the gym close to Joel's, the meatheads really do watch if you use the weights, it's not just me being paranoid. Anyway I overdid it in an attempt to look tough lol....serves me right. I mean even if they are watching who cares what total strangers think. But I did have the courage to use a new machine, well not really a machine but a bosu ball that's mounted on the back with arm rests/ handles on the side and you mount yourself on it then pull your legs up to your chest?  don't know what it's called but I always wanted to try it, so I did! I did 9 and that was it. And two sets of 25 crunches which I haven't done in a long time....so between the chest press and the ab excercises, I was in sorry shape afterwards. My stomach and armpits were KILLING me all weekend, my tummy still hurts actually (but maybe from coughing now).

We went to Joel's company xmas party on Saturday night. I wasn't feeling very well by then, but didn't want to miss it. I wore my pretty new red dress and felt like I fit in, with all the pretty sparkly dresses there. Dinner was good, but my stomach hurt so I didn't enjoy it as much as I may have. We stayed pretty long, but didn't dance much, the music was crap. Like going to a dance club, hip hop and stuff. We realized we are no longer the target demographic when it comes to music. Sigh.

The rest of the weekend was mostly just laying around feeling sorry for myself. I haven't even showered since Saturday lol....guess I gotta. I got home from Joel's yesterday, and am in desperate need of groceries, the fridge is bare. I think I might walk to the store and take a cab home with the bags. Lame, but I can't face biking or carrying stuff right now. When you are sick, living alone really sucks.

I proably should have thought about gratitude on our Thanksging, like a good Canadian girl, but I was too busy travelling and stuffing my face with turkey and perogies. Heh.

So meganr and the Spirit of the Holiday (maybe these are one and the same, hmmmm?) has inspired me to think about what I am grateful for. My list is brief, but they are things that I can't even explain how much they mean to me, I get teary just thinking about it.

I am grateful for my awesome family whom I love dearly, warts and all. I am grateful for the universe that deemed me worthy of such an incredible, wonderful mate; for my cat who is unfailingly affectionate and forgiving of my absences; for my inner strength and desire to better myself that carries me through the tough times; for friends and loved ones who offer kindnesses that I don't always feel I deserve and in doing so make me feel more deserving.

Thank you all for being here for me whenever I need a kind word, or advice, or just a place to vent, or a sense of belonging and sisterhood. You've all become very important to me and I can't imagine not having this support in my journey, I would feel so alone. Thank you, thank you.

And thank you to Revenue Canada for offering a payment plan for paying back-taxes :/.

I really WANT to think about Christmas with just me and Joel being nice and romantic and unstressful, and not be sad to be away from family, so I will give that a shot.

Last night in a desperate attempt to avoid snacking I did some baking and cooking and planning. I made soup, a yummy chicken-apple sausage, quinoa, and spinach dealie, sort of a (very) modified Italian Wedding soup. I had some for lunch today, it's awesome and comforting. Also made the no-knead bread I started the night before, it has to rise for 21+ hours, man did it turn out great. I left enough calories in my day to be allowed a sample and it was fantastic. It has no added sugar or fat so is even on the lower-cal side, for bread. Also pulled out some chicken legs and bought the ingredients for Carribean Braised Chicken, after researching whcih crock-pot recipe I want to try. Technically it's not a crockpot recipe but that's where it's going anyway. I have a date with some chicken legs to pull their skin off right after work.

I find it highly ironic that the way I avoid eating is by cooking. Hey whatever works. And, when I spend a lot of time cooking, I actually have food for lunches instead of buying them. I plan to bring the chicken to Vancouver tomorrow, if I am going then...still don't know if my Friday meeting is cancelled. If it is, I am off to Van, and J and I will have dinner all ready instead of eating out. We've gotten into the bad habit of going for dinner on the way back to town after he picks me up from the ferry, I understand it's late and we are hungry and the idea of stopping for groceries, driving home, and cooking before being able to eat by maybe 9 pm if lucky is not at all appealing, especially after and long gruelling day, but I would rather have a little snack on the ferry and do just that. When we eat out, it seems to set a bad precedent for the rest of the weekend or something. I want to feel more in control of my food choices and that means less eating out. Difficult to do, especially with holiday season approaching, today alone I got two invites to xmas potluck and going-away luncheon. Frig. My November eating out expenses are SO out of control it's not funny. I can't do it anymore. Stop the madness!!

So, into the kitchen with me. I am happy in there. I feel creative and content and purposeful. It's good times.

I posted the recipe for the no-knead bread on my food blog if you are interested :)

I've been avoiding writing since it's pretty much the same old crap. Today I got on the scale and wanted to cry. 240. Haven't seen that number in months....because it took months to get that weight off and now it's back. For me, seven pounds represents about 4 months of hard work. Trying really hard not to revert to negative self-talk....pretty hard when i feel like such a loser. Weekdays are not too hard to control, but weekends are off the charts bad lately. I don't know why and maybe that's why I am having such a difficult time reigning it in. The only thing that's been different on my weekends is that J is working a lot lately, Saturdays and sometimes even Sundays too, so I have been travelling over there every one but spending most of my time alone. Maybe these things are related.

I am tired. Tired and cold and want to just curl up under a blanket and hibernate. Like all the time.

On a happier note, I went shopping on the weekend (another slightly out of control area of my life!) and found a lovely party dress for J's company xmas party next weekend. It's red and has a bit of sparkle (rhinestones at the bust) and so is exactly what I was wanting. At last year's party I didn't have anything to wear and no money, so I just borrowed a top and skirt from a friend and it was ok but I was very envious of all the women in beautiful, sparkly party dresses and felt very dowdy in comparison. So this year i join their ranks! I am scared, though, I usually just go basic black and not nearly so "look at me!" to events like these. Yikes. Especially nervous since I am not feeling so great about myself lately. And the bustline shows a lot of cleavage, and the length is shorter than I am used to (though still at the knee, so appropriate enough, I think). I bought a shawl to cover my arms, so I guess I can hide under that if I feel the need to!

And..looks like Christmas is off this year. My first year to not be spending xmas with family, either mine or his. Mine are all away, and we've decided not to attempt the drive to his in his convertible. It's really not good for winter driving that far, and he is having some axle issues that need repair, and looks like that won't happen before xmas due to financial constraints, so...we are on our own. My parents and sister would love it if we joined them in Palm Springs, but the trip would cost a lot, and frankly I don't want to spend a lot of money on a trip unless it's to some tropical beach, and I know Joel will definately not want to spend the $$ for another trip with my family, Vegas was quite enough. And my other sister and BIL and nephew are going to Ontario to spend xmas with his family. Even J's roommates will be out of town. Strange. I am trying not to get too sad about it; we will be together and that's the most important thing, right? But what will we do? I don't know what to do without all the family togetherness and food prep, that's pretty much all we do on Christmas. I'm scared! Good part is, no food orgy. I cannot resist all the treats that come at xmas - cookies and squares and chocolates and homemade poppycock and texas trash and then on top of everything we've made, boxes of Purdy's chocolates and Turtles and jars of jujubes and jelly beans and of course all the rish appies like bacon-wrapped waterchestnuts and hot artichoke dip and whatever else and the xmas drinks like eggnog and After Eights and hot chocolate spiked with Baily's and apple cider, all this preceding the ultimate food extravaganza that is Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas dinner itself. Gah. I am bloated just thinking about it, but also nostalgic. Food is a way of life in my family, it's a real wonder that I am the only one that got over 300 lbs. Anyhoo....I guess all that is off too, which is just as well, since I am struggling so much. Maybe I will actually lose weight over the holidays.  

Hmm let's see...from my journal titles this week, Monday was gray, Tuesday was grayer, and Wesnesday I was wallowing in my little puddle of despair. Not nearly as deep as a pit but despairing nonetheless.

Sooooo what's the status for today? Well, let's call it Sunny Thursday. Even though it's rainy outside, my heart is light and gay. Not that kind of gay, the original meaning of gay. Amazing what a little support can do.

I talked to my boss about not getting the job...came close to tearing up but not quite, whew. She made me feel much better about it and helped me focus on moving forward, making a plan to fill in the gaps and make me a stronger candiddate. That, plus all of your encouragement and support, left me in a much better state.

I was going to call one of the fellows on my panel, D, the manager of the office I'd have been working at, I used to work with him here before he moved on. Anyway he called me before I could call him and we chatted about the interview and the future. I found out that I didn't do as dismally as I feared, in fact I passed the two interview questions but did not pass the role play, unsurprising, but I didn't do even as bad as I thought. I was on the right track ,just didn't know where to go since I've never worked as a PO. The one peice I am missing is community experience. So he said he's been thinking about it and although he'd said there was no place for me to volunteer in his office in the past, he now figures he can get someone to mentor me, seeing as I am not the usual volunteer and would actually be adding value not just being a drain on resouces. AND he asked if I really wanted that job anyway since it's a pay cut and really not very interesting, I'd been under the impression that I had to do that job to be more eligible for the higher-level job, but he said that's not really the case for me since I am coming from a very different background and skill set than most others, so I am an unusual case. The higher-level position would be more of a lateral move so yeah if I can get to it without the lower step, of course I'd prefer it! So he's going to bring me up at the next staff meeting in December to hopefully get one of the PO's to agree to take me on as their volunteer, so i can get the necessary experience and totally bypass the whole lower level thing, woo! Yeah I am feeling way better about the whole situation. It was not the right job for me, I was kind of undervaluing myself, but it was an excellent learning experience anyway. I will be that much more prepared for the right job interview.

Other than that, business as usual. Went out to dinner last night, even had a martini, but did not go over calories so that's good. Soup for lunch, I think I am allergic to something in it, I am all red-faced.

Happy Thursday eveyone!

Well Ididn't get the PO job I panelled for. It's totally expected, and the two people whop got the jobs are both currently POs themselves, but the humiliating part is that three others made an "eligibility" list for future positions, and I did not. Likely the only one since I doubt there were more than six people interviewed. I knew Idid poorly, but it's pretty embarrassing to not even make the minimum requirements. The funny thing is, I would totally rock at the job if given a chance to learn it. And I am a HUGE asset to the research team, as I would be anywhere, so their loss, and my boss and colleagues will be happy I am not leaving. It's not that I am unhappy at my job, it's a great job and when I got it two years ago it was my DREAM job and I was floored that I even got it...I am just feeling ready to grow and challenge myself and branch out from research. I don't want to feel stuck here forever. So yeah i am a little down about the whole thing and definately embarrassed. I don't even want to tell my boss, she was really pulling for me. Plan to call panel for feedback once the sting wears off a little.

I forced myself to record all of Monday's food disaster, all 3000 calories worth. Yikes. Yesterday was back on track,  today will be too. And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I am tired.

Got home late last night after taking the last ferry and bus home. It's SO windy and rainy. Bike ride this morning ws no fun at all. But I am hardcore, dammit.

I did make it to the gym yesterday afternoon. The elliptical's computer said I burned 500 cals in the 30 min I was on....level 4, 60ish rpms, which is pretty good for me. Here's the thing. I work hard, I sweat a bit but not a LOT, my heart rate climbs to 160 or so, so I try to hold it there and not let it get too much higher. It usually creeps to 170 before I am done. The frustrating thing is, I feel like I could work harder. I don't get our of breath and frankly am barely even breathing hard and as I said I sweat but not much. I feel much more out of breath when having to bike up a hill. I have no idea what my heart rate is when I am biking or climbing stairs, things that really make my heart pound. So my question is, can I go ahead and work harder, maybe until I am at least breathing heavy, and just let my heart rate go over 170? The guide says I should stay under 153 I think...but I got SO frustrated with that a while back that I said screw it and upped my own limit to 170. It's been totally fine, at 153 I feel like I am strolling lol...so allowing myself that extra bit of a window really let's me work harder and it's still comfortable.  But how much further can I push that? 180? 190? Maybe I should ask an expert or something.

Weight is...not pretty. AND I managed an ok deficit last week, every day but Sunday and Monday really. Last week was quite good, Monday was nothing less than disastrous, I ate back all my cals burned in excercise and way more. Bah. Even so, overall I had a good average, so not sure why I am not seeing a better number yet. Just gotta keep plugging away at it I guess.

My arms and armpits are really sore from all the pee-pushups. Maybe that's why, water retention for muscle repair. Hmm.

I am sad to be back home and away from Joel for another 4 days. This never seems to get easier. Just like the damn hill right before my block. I have been biking that hill for over a year and a half, and it's still freakin brutal. Some things just never get easier.

I wish I had pms so that I had something to blame my despondency on.

It's Monday and even though it's my flex day and I am not at work (in fact I am still in Vancouver) I still feel kinda blah. It's cold and gray and drizzly outside, and I am not quite sure what to do with myself today. Probably should go to the gym. There's one just up the street.

Because I am home alone and bored, this entry got a bit long, so I will categorize the longer topics lol

Shopping extravaganza

Joel was working pretty much all weekend, so I entertained myself by going shopping on Saturday...I had a $25 coupon good between Nov 5-21 that I have been looking forward to spending! But, once the shopping beast was unleashed, it was hard to reign him back in. I may have spent a bit more than necessary. But, I got some things that are different from what I have, really cute, and exciting because I am stretching my ideas of what I am "allowed" to wear. I got a short gray and black plaid skirt, I have not worn a short skirt since I don't know when. With black tights it's completely acceptable, I just have to get past my self-consciousness. And remember to keep the back pulled DOWN over my ass lol. It's extremely high-waisted, and I have nothing to wear with that, so of course I had to look for something to go with. I ended up getting a shortish royal blue thin sweater, it still goes quite far over the top of the skirt but it was hard finding something THAT short. Then a saleslady helped me out and suggested a black sweater that is a little longer but only has three buttons at the bust then kinda cuts away. It was perfect. Also got a lime green scoop-neck thin sweater, a dark teal cowl-neck short-sleeved sweater, a teal button-down shirt to wear under the sweater vest I bought last month, and a red cozy sweater for weekends. Yikes. Well at least everything was on sale or couponed. Definately got some shopping euphoria going there. I came thisclose to buying a pair of pants, would have been my firt pair from a non-plus size store in over 20 years, but I chickened out. Well maybe not chickened out, they didn't fit and it seemed silly to buy something I likely can't wear until next year when I'd already spent so much money. I am sure there will be just as nice pants there for me next year.

Geeking out on food

Then on Sunday I just hung out at Joel's and meandered down to the grocery store, made a pie (my amazing low-cal frozen peanutbutter fudge pie), and prepared dinner. Fittingly, being Thanksgiving for all you Americans, we had a roasted turkey breast, potatoes and brussels sprouts. I spent all day researching recipes, brining the turkey, then wrapping it in a cheesecloth blanket soaked in olive oil, broth, and wine before roasting. It turned out fabulously! SO moist and delicious, and I don't think any of the olive oil actually soaks in, I think it just makes a seal. And I used a meat thermometer for the first time, what a revelation! No worrying "is it done", no trying to judge by looks (which would have been impossible with the cheesecloth on it). Just pull it out at 155, let it rest and it hits 160, perfectly cooked. I was nervous to take it out as it took less time than expected so I left it maybe 5 minutes too long and it ended up topping out at 165 during the resting, next time I will just trust the thermometer and take it out the second it hits 155. It was still very moist and tender but I felt that it could have been even better at 5 minutes/ 5 degrees less. Also made a gravy separately with chicken broth rather than pan drippings. It was hard to throw them away but there was just too much oil to bother trying to separate. And the gravy was awesome, I simmered some salt-free chicken broth with some wine, aromatics and herbs for a couple hours, then added sauteed mushrooms, a bit of a roux, and about a tablespoon of cream. It was to die for. It amazes me that I used to think making something delicous meant it had to be loaded with cream and butter, decadent and rich, to be good. I now get so much pleasure out of trying different techniques to make something taste amazing but be reasonable in calories. Anyone can make something yummy if you are not concerned about calories; let's face it, butter is a yummifier. The tricky part is making something low-cal and healthy that is just as satisfyingly delicious, and I have so much fun trying to accomplish that!

We topped off the weekend with pie and Dexter. Then some other stuff I won't get into so as not to shock your tender ears, but I'll just say it was an excellent way to end the weekend. So nice to have the roommates gone and the place to ourselves for once.

So today I am on my own again and at a bit of a loss. I forgot my books so no reading. I am all shopped out, that's for certain. If I were home I'd do some painting or sculpting or cleaning, but I am not. No excuses whatsover to not go to the gym. Darn it.

Pee Push-Ups

I have been doing pee push-ups, my friend S's invention and it's brilliant. Every time you go to pee, you do 10 push-ups against the bathroom counter. I can't do regular push-ups, not even one, but I can manage them against a counter so it's perfect. And just 10 is also manageable. If you pee alot, which I do, you can end up doing like 60 or 70 push-ups in a day! It's awesome, my arms and chest and shoulders are killing me so it's clearly working. And you should see S's arms, woo I hope mine start looking like hers! She jokes that she has always had t-rex arms, you know little and useless, so there is hope for me too. Try it, it's a fun little challenge that actually seems to do some good!

Movies

I also watched a bunch of movies on tv this weekend. There were two in particular that stand out, and were related in a weird way. One was Wuthering Heights, the 1936 classic based on the Emily Bronte novel (or the other Bronte sister?) with Lawrence Olivier and Merle Oberman. Once I got past the old-time style of acting and dialogue, it was a wonderful movie, but a bit annoying because the characters make choices that cause their own unhappiness and misery, really. I don't remember being so annoyed by the book, but I read it when I was much younger and more romantic and now I am a much more practical kind of person who believes in finding happiness where you can get it rather than wasting your life pining for what you think you want and can't have or prevent yourself from having. It's stupid. The other movie was Thirty Days of Night, the vampire flick that came out a couple of years ago now but I never got around to seeing. Not much redeeming about that....it was desolate, depressing, hopeless. I usually love vampire movies but not this one. There was no rmance to it at all, just carnage and death. How the two movies were related: in Wuthering Heights, there is a scene towards the end where Heathcliff is despairing his life without Cathy. He laments "Why has God put me here on earth? There is nothing for me but hunger and pain" or something to that effect. In Thirty Days of Night, there is a scene towards the end where the head vampire says to his victim who is praying to God, "God? There is no God. Only hunger and pain". Funny eh.