robyneg's Journal
:/Aug 23 2007 22:40
Got an e-mail from my choir director about what happened to David. He included the speech he gave at his wake. I guess it hadn't really hit me until now. I wasn't going to see him very often next year anyway, since he graduated...but it just hit me that he's gone. First Lily, now him...slowly fading. I barely remember what Lily's laugh sounded like anymore. It's just hard to imagine that they were here and now they're gone...and they're not coming back. I'm never going to hear David's voice again...
Why him? Of all people...he was such an amazing person. And I know, we say that about everyone who passes and they all are, in their own way...but I'd never met anyone else like him. So full of life. Not one day went by when he didn't give everything he did his all. He was so willing to reach out to everybody. There were so many times last year that I don't know that I would have gotten through if he hadn't been there. Always. No matter what.
I don't know how to talk to anyone about it either. It's just...so damn hard. I feel like everyone I know is disappearing. Everyone was walking softly around me because of Lily...and now David's gone too. I don't know what to say. Or do. I need to talk to Andrew about it but I don't know how. I feel like what I feel must be so small and trifling compared to what he feels...I only knew him for a year. He was his best friend for four years. You have to say something. But what do you say that echoes his pain? I should've talked to him months ago...I just didn't know what to say. Still don't. I'm scared to see him. I feel like it may be a repeat of what happened with Lily..and I don't want to do that to him. He's not my rock anymore...but he's one of the few people I can cry around. I don't know.
Sorry if anyone read this...I'm not much of a journaler (and I guess the majority of that didn't make sense if you don't know what's going on... one of my good friends killed herself in December, and another one of my good friends passed earlier this summer) just no one is up that I can talk to. And I don't know what i would say to them anyway. Seems to be a common theme.
G'night.
See Andrew and talk with him, Rob. It's OK that you don't know what to say. He doesn't know what to say either. Nothing either of you could say would really comfort the other anyway: you don't know what to say because nothing truly helpful can be said. It's deeper than words, and that's the point: the simple human act of reaching out is what really matters. That says everything that needs to be said. Whether it ends in tears or laughter or shared memories or silence or ... it's all good, sharing whatever the outcome may be is a step toward healing. |
I am so very very sorry for your losses. |
Oh, Rob, I am so sorry. This really breaks my heart, it really does. I don't even know what to say at all. No words that I can leave behind can fill that emptiness you have inside of you, but if you ever want to talk about anything at all, I'm here for you. I'm a really good listener, even if I never can muster up any advice. I really hope that you can get past this tough time and begin to heal. |
:) Thanks, guys. I'm alright :) Night is hard sometimes. It's amazing how much support from people I don't actually know can help, ya know? Y'all are the best :) |
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