sevsmom's Journal

What God can do.

May 11 2009 08:56

11 years ago today was Mother's Day. My brother, sister and I had chipped in to purchase a "spa day" for my mom in the town near where they live in Montana. I just knew Mom was gonna love it. Something she would never in a million years do for herself. On top of that, my sister and I were going to go to MT to visit and have overlapping weeks there so we were all going to go to the spa together. How much fun!!! Perhaps a once in a lifetime event for our family.

After church, I called my parents and because my mom was in the bathroom chatted with my dad for several minutes. I asked if he knew the surprise and he said "yeah" in a nonenthused way. Spa days just didn't make sense to Dad. Soon, Mom got on the phone and we chatted awhile. I missed mom. This was the 3rd Mom's day since they moved to MT in June 2000. I only saw her once a year, if that. Expensive flying with my daughter. Now I was a single mom thanks to divorce and I was excited to have enough money to come see her in about 7 more weeks.

She was thrilled with the gift. She was looking forward to all of us girls getting together to do something. It was (and is) so rare. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. I was wistful because it was my first Mom's day as a single mom. I didn't get to see my mom-in-law since my ex was there with his girlfriend. It was a lonely day. Around 8:00 I tucked my little one into bed and started playing solitaire on the computer. Something to pass the time.

Around 10:00 the phone rang. I was startled and ran into the other room to get it. It was my sister. Her news shocking. "Mom just called. They have Dad in an ambulance and she's pretty sure he's not going to make it. They've been working on him almost an hour already." I don't remember what I said other than keep me updated.

I immediately begged God to not do this. I had lost so much that year already. My husband. Several friends. My stability. My reputation (so I felt). I just couldn't bear one more thing. The first call I made was to my ex-husband. He was polite, but certainly not engaging. I realized his girlfriend was there and he would be no support at all. Miserable. About an hour after the first call came in, the second call came in. He's gone.

Now, I'm not a daddy's girl. Dad and I didn't get along all that well. He was an angry man and difficult to connect with. But, he was my dad. My tears were done before the call came in. I knew what the outcome was going to be. God really hadn't spared much for me that year. So I expected the worst and it was realized.

Today is a sad anniversary, but I can tell you that in the ensuing 6 years God has grown me in SOOOOOOO many ways. I'm not thankful for my father's passing. I'm thankful that in my pathetic brokenness God was able to rebuild and restore me. That I have a hunger and a thirst for godliness that never existed before. I have a family now that my father would be amazed by. He wouldn't understand us, but he would definitely be pleased. I'm thankful that even though my paltry efforts to please the Lord are just that, paltry; He never gives up on me and he lavishes his love on me daily.

While my earthly father has been gone for years now, my heavenly father continues to reshape and redefine what a father is to me. I pray that others have the presence of their heavenly Father and that they are experiencing that love on a daily basis.

What God can do. .. . . . if we let Him.

New Directions

Apr 17 2009 13:14

Spring is certainly a time for considering new directions. I've been growing an appetite for serving and asking God for direction. It appears I have a new avenue to become more involved with RAHAB Ministry here in Akron and I'm psyched. The new responsibility is, for me, pretty easy. I can do most of the work from home. I"m so excited.

I've been praying for contentment. It has seemed elusive. And, while the sun is shining and the temperatures warm today, I think God is starting to quiet my soul a bit. Sure, there are things I'd still like to acheive, but I'm not feeling wayward anymore. I feel like I'm "on mission". I know in my heart God has more for me and that he is currently growing me to be ready for the next challenges to come.

My weight is pretty well stalled where it was when I started. I'm not super pleased, but I'm not as put off as one would expect. As I would expect. I'm hoping my contentment spreads to encompass this particular "shortcoming." Realizing that my energies are focussed on honoring God and doing the work He puts before me first. I'm in good health. My weight is not an obstacle to my good health. It is, for me, more vanity than it is health. So, I feel somewhat freed from that burden. Not that I can just go on willy nilly, but that I don't have to be a slave to every morsel that passes my lips and that I don't have to kill myself by getting up at 4:30 to exercise so I can try to reach my ideal physical incarnation. God can use me quite well where I am when I'm willing to let him.

**Let me stay willing to be used for YOU, Lord. Grow my contentment. Guard my physical health. Guard my family. Grow our love and devotion to You first and foremost. Thank you, Lord for loving me first. ***

Winds of Change

Mar 31 2009 10:58

I don't know what it is. There is a restlessness in my heart right now. We, for all intents and purposes, finished up iCare this week and it has been amazing to see how God showed up in the lives of the people who sit in my living room every Monday night. He poured out blessings and LOVE in the midst of, frustrations, hurt, unmet expectations, and grief.

I want more. I want more of being in that place that only God can get you through it. I am not satisfied with content. I am not satisfied with complacent. I'm not OK with just worrying about myself or my issues any more.

It almost feels like I have some form of attention deficiet because I can't focus on things. More and more thoughts flood my mind. More and more things I'd love to see myself, my family and my RLG/iCare group do keep popping into my head.

The scale beckons. It tells me that I'm not doing what needs done to even come close to reaching my goal by August 1. But you know what, I don't even know if I believe it's that important any more. YIKES! I actually wrote that. Is that denial or is that shifted priority or maybe both? I'd like, utlimately to settle into a weight about 15 pounds below where I currently am. It will be a healthier weight for me, and I'll just feel better over all. But I'm not interested in exhausting myself in this endeavor if it will draw me away from other pursuits. I feel change is drawing near.

I must continue to pray and seek His face!!!

Sad again

Mar 25 2009 13:30

Arrgghhhh. How do I describe this. A friend lost his wife to cancer Friday night and today was the service in her honor. To say she was amazing is a ridiculous understatement. I had only known the my friend for a few months before I met and married my husband and my life and his went different directions. Shortly thereafter he met and married "his angel". And, she was. He was SO crazy in love with her and they both worked so hard to serve the Lord. He knew when he married her that she had cancer. Not even 5 years later, she's gone. I am pragmatic about death. I didn't cry at my own dad's funeral. But, I find it hard to reflect on this earthly loss without nearly falling apart.

Then, I found out my good friend/co-worker's mother-in-law had a heart attack last night and that her brother lost his job.

God is good ALL the time, sometimes I just don't understand. I don't question his goodness, maybe just his methods.

So, right now my mood matches the northeast Ohio weather ~ cool and rainy. I'm eating a twix bar (vending machine food ~ YIKES) and a diet Dr. Pepper, and processing my joys and my sorrows.

Sad

Feb 12 2009 13:53

My husband just called and told me that his sister is going to lose her unborn baby. Last week the Drs. said the baby's heartrate was too high for the baby to survive long. Today, the baby's hearrate is down to 40. They wanted to terminate the pregnancy right then and there, but she wouldn't let them. She told them once the baby is gone, then they could take it. While we were incredulous that she was pregnant again (baby 5 by daddy #4) after she had gotten her tubes tied, my heart aches for her losing the baby. I've never experienced that and I can't imagine losing the baby at 20 weeks. Ugh!

Then, I found out yesterday that a family from church whose 15 yo son died in Oct (suicide~ soooo sad) just lost their oldest son on Sunday. No cause of death was mentioned. He was 15 years older than his baby brother. It made me stop and think about how I could possibly handle my baby Caleb passing and then my oldest, Drake passing not 5 months later. heartbreaking.

So, I'm sad this afternoon.

One- two punch

Feb 10 2009 09:17

This weekend was insane!

I previously won tickets to go see the musical Hairspray in Cleveland. My hubby and I went Friday and had a great time! Saturday included carpet cleaning (have you ever done that yourself??? What a workout!) and multiple trips to the Home Depot to correct a problem with the attachment for the cleaner. One of those trips included my hubby's car dying. Got it towed and waited to hear the damage report. In the mean time we went to Dayna's graduation party (the one who had surgery before Chrsitmas). Great evening.

Sunday includes the knowledge that the repair is gonna cost $2,000. YIKES! AND, my 15 yo broke his nose. Seriously. It was a non-stop weekend. I was exhasuted. I took yesterday off work and spent it with my husband. Now I'm back at it and WAY behind. But, if anyone was looking for me, now you know why I was out of touch all weeekend!

Blast from the past

Feb 06 2009 09:19

After I wrote my post yesterday about how your life is different than you thought years ago, I got connected to 2 old friends on Facebook. I seriously time warped back to the early 90s. What is it about being in our late teens and early 20s that can make an acquaintance a long time friend. Both these girls were as giddy as I was to find each other. It's been nearly 20 years!!!

I'm glad God gives us memories. Sure, I have a BUNCH i could live without. However, memories of silly times, stupid times, and some down-right "what was I thinking" times, can bring a smile to my face all these years later.

I cringe to think that my oldest boys are on the cusp of entering this frenetic time of life. I hope they live it well, honor God, and have a few of those memories that make them think about how good the "good ole' days" were!!

I hate February

Feb 04 2009 08:19

I've always hate February. It is a dreary month. Valentine's day has been a disappointment for most of my life. I redeemed it 5 years ago by getting married to my fabulous 2nd (and last) husband on Valentine's day 2004. So, now the be 2/14 is a good day. I'm tired of winter by now. I'm tired of being lethargic, because I won't get up and move. I'm apathetic about so much of my life that the best sounding thing is bed. Oh yeah! And that dumb ground hog. Who doesn't want to see that critter taken out right about now when he's predicted 6 more weeks of this nonsense!!!

However, for some reason, my dislike of the month or the point I finally reach, or something inside me triggers a want to get fit again. It happened in 2007. It's budding and soon to fully blossom again. I am trying to be more calorie conscious and coming to terms with my need to get up early and exercise every day. I think the getting up early is the hardest part for me. But, I'm tired of being tired. I'm sick of feeling bloated and lethargic. The only way that's going to change is if I get off my fanny and, well, work my fanny off!!!

I don't know if I'll ever really like February, but at least I know God's gift of Spring is right around the corner ~ despite what that dumb groundhog says!!

Feeling like a heel

Jan 29 2009 10:00

So, I start the day feeling crummy because I'm really not trying to lose weight. I WANT to try. I even SORTA watch what I eat. But, I'm not exercising dilegently or counting calories the way I should. My pants I'm wearing are too snug and my brasierre doesn't fit right. I'm uncomfortable and cranky today.

Then. . . my ex-husband had asked about claiming our daughter on his taxes this year. He claimed her for 2006, but hadn't before then since our divorce in 2003. I thought we would go 3 to 1 because, in reality, I bear the brunt of the financial burden with her. But, he asked. So, I spoke to my hubby last night and he said I should do whatever I thought best. So, today, I e-mailed the ex and said that while I hadn't thought about it for this year, if he needed the money and was counting on it to go ahead and claim her. He's had a bad year or so and I don't want money to be an issue between us. So, he replies that he already filed last night. maybe next year.

I feel like such a jerk. I know $1,000 is a lot of money, and I KNOW he could use it since he's kinda made a mess of his life lately. I'm in a much better place (by God's grace alone) and just want to be generous. I feel like my hesitating may have hurt his feelings or made things bad for him.

Money is evil. We should abolish it. And, calories are evil, too. I move to abolish calories as well.

Now, can it please stop snowing in NE Ohio? I've had it with the snow this season.

Snowy Day

Jan 10 2009 10:36

It's a snowy day here in northeast Ohio. They say we could get up to 10 inches even here away from the lake. If it keeps up, they might be right!!! I'm waiting to put the baby down for his nap before I try to go start shoveling. Got a decent size driveway. Should be fun. Ha ha. Hopefully, it'll burn enough calories to count as my exercise for today! I just haven't found the motiviation to start working out yet. I'm doing OK with the eating. I found out the holidays dinged me for 5 lbs instead of 3. I've already lost one, but won't do the heavy work of exercising to knock even more off quickly.

I've been so uplifted by all the folks in our group. Very motivated and very active. They all seem to have a real heart for the Lord. That's the best thing ever!!!