shelbylouise's Journal

Wah?
Feb 10 2009 22:12

So, I figure that since I haven't posted anything in a while, that I should update. I've sort of forgotten about this site in general, but getting back on track should require a little more effort on my part so...here I am!

I still haven't done anything about the Christmas buldge (pitiful, I know) and I plan on joing the gym with my mother for the VERY FIRST TIME next week. I've never been to a gym before, so it should be interesting. I've always been an all or nothing kind of person and of late that's been reflected in other parts of my life ranther than my dieting which is both good and bad. As for weight I'm about 120 now (I'm not sure, I don't have a scale) so I've gained from when I might have been a little too small, but as for being five-foot-three, I'm just a little...how you say...'pudgier' than normal. Don't hate me for thinking so, it goes with the dysphoria.

As for that gruesome subject, I'm handling it fairly...uh, well I suppose I'm just handling it. I came out to two of my best friends as transgendered, but I'm not sure if that's entirely accurate. I know that I would be happier if I was born a boy, but I don't know what I'm going to do about that. So far, my options seem to be to ignore it and move on with my life--go to school, open up my bakery and get married have some kids and...I dunno, travel or something--or to seek therapy and start a transition of sorts. Either way therapy is probably a good idea but I don't think I'm going to go for that until I move out (eight months or so) because my parents don't know and I don't want to worry them, especially if I end up forgoing the transition process.

I feel sort of strange doing drastic things to my body like going through testosterone therapy or "bottom surgery". It's very hard for me because I "crossdress" all the time now, I even bind my chest at school. People don't seem to really notice, and I change before I come home so my mom doesn't figure it out. When I see my reflection (especially a flat chest) my stomach does this little flip-flop and I feel like what I see in the mirror is really me...and that's a first, becasue I've never recognized my reflection before. Still, being raised loosely as a Catholic, I feel guilty and I don't know if I could risk taking horomones or even a mastectomy (chest surgery) to make me feel this way all the time. I don't know why I feel this way, I've never really been religious and I'm not perfect, but for some reason I feel really strongly about this. Don't get me wrong, I applaud those who have transistioned fully...I'm a little jealous of their security in their moral standing but for me? I'm a little squeamish. For me it's not surgery or die, like it is for a lot of other guys, so I think that "mutilating" (as the Catholics so love to say) myself would be more or less unforgivable.

So...yes. My problems. Lovely. At the moment, I'm taking it one day at a time. I crossdress, I bind my breasts, and I worry about my salvation. One day I'm convinced that as soon as I'm 18 I'll have a truly flat chest, and the next I'm thinking about mannaging as a normal woman. It's all so confusing...I think I need a shrink.

Anyways, sorry for the rant and my awful spelling.

tl;dr: I'm a little messed up, and I don't know what to do about it.