shoeofkuribo's Journal

Rocky emotions
Jul 04 2009 14:47

Last night a had a bit of a breakdown. I was just too hungry. I ate a salad for lunch, which tasted great, and I was so proud of myself for eating such a healthy lunch. However, when I logged it and estimated everything individually later (1.5 c lettuce, 3 tbs dressing, 1/4 cup croutons, 2 oz feta cheese, 1 small pita bread) it came up to about 600 calories. I thought this would be a low-cal lunch, and I may have overestimated on the amounts, but I didn't want to underestimate. And apparently I'm not very good at salad bar-fu.

After the movie last night, hubby wanted to grab a bite to eat, but I had already gone past my calorie goal for the day and didn't want to upset my efforts any further. I also didn't want to sit there, hungry, at Burger King while he ate. I felt trapped; I hate disappointing him when he wants to go out, because it's fun, and he can have a temper when he's hungry. Feeling stuck, tired and hungry, I started crying there in the car. He panicked, and got angry because he felt I was starving myself. I got more upset because of his reaction. This spiraled into a full-on fight, that we eventually resolved late in the evening. Even still, I had a lot of trouble sleeping.

I told him that I have a goal to achieve, and I'm sick of letting it slide; I maintained for a year, and I don't want to let it go anymore. I want to get to a healthy weight, for so many reasons - I don't want to be fat anymore, I said. I also want to ward off diabetes, which my mom and grandmother both have, and I want to be healthy for my future pregnancy and baby.

I told him it'd like getting through college; it's not always going to be easy, and he can't just tell me to quit when I'm struggling. He understood, but just didn't want me to starve. Seeing that I was an emotional wreck, he said, meant that I must not have eaten as much as my body needs. It's hard to say for sure (my calorie log already claimed 1900!), but I went home and had tea and a mini Weight Watchers cake, and felt better.

I just got under 220, and I want to keep it that way for good. I want to make sure it sticks, and I'm trying to work especially hard to keep it tipped to 219 through the weekend and beyond. If I'm at 219, 200 doesn't seem so far away. I believe I'll get there, and I'm determined. But it's hard, hard work, I have to take it one day at a time.