solareclps's Journal

Catching Up...
Oct 11 2009 07:55

It's been a while since I entered my last entry. I've been a bit busy. I'm up to date with most of school work, I just have a ton of reading to catch up on. I'll probably take this week to just hang out before and after school to catch up on it. I've been wondering for the longest what the heck am I going to do for Thanksgiving! I want to go see my nephews, but I'm not sure if I'll be able too...I don't know. I am at another conjecture where I am pioneering again. This get tiresome sometimes. I feel like I always land in a place where everyone knows everyone else (except me!) and I am the odd person out. This is like the third time I am the odd person out!. I've learned a few things from my two prior situations. First I HAVE TO MINGLE! I am usually socially phobic, but I don't want to be standing around alone. So I'll mingle...talk to people get to know people. Hopefully that will help me since I usually tend end up being the stuck the odd person out! This organization does much outreach which I love. I think every person on the planet can help, even if it's in a small way, to make humanity better. I have to say that I can see myself changing. I can see myself growing fully. It always seemed as if the person who I was on outside (that is the person who people knew me to be) and the person who I was on the inside (who I know myself to be) have always been different. I've grown two "persons" but their growth was separated from each other. Recently I've been trying to reconcile the growth of who I am on the inside to who I am on the outside and come to a final evolution of sorts. I feel so good about myself lately. I'm still in a very, very, VERY tight spot with where my future is concerned, however the person who has to live that future I like so much more now. That makes any future I create for myself a better one. I am finally beginning to look forward to that better future....

Solar....

I Love You, Man...
Oct 02 2009 22:03

Dear Solar,

                 I know we've not always had the most functional of relationships. You get on my nerves sometimes. From when we were kids I hated the fact you didn't stand up to bullies. I hated the fact that you were always scared. I understand why. I understand how living under such a heavy handed father made you afraid that everyone would hurt you. I understand why you felt afraid of the outside world. "If my father could hurt me this much think about what someone else would do." I know... I understand. I want to tell you that I forgive you for what I felt you should have done. I, too, apologize for not helping. We were very young there is no way we could have known. I remember the days of taunting and torment. I hated those days as well. I wanted you to fight back, but again I understand your fear. I understand the type of crippling fear an abusive parent can inflict upon the mind of a child. It's not your fault and though I have blamed you for so much...I truly am sorry. The torment didn't end. Two-years of straight fighting...fighting to feel like you are a person, fighting to be treated with respect, fighting a battle that you could not win and did not win. In the end a kid stood in the hallways of school crying...I do remember what it feels like and I am sorry I abandoned you when you needed me the most. Those times I should have had your back, I am sorry. The days of torment have not left my mind, yet I, too joined with those of the past and torment you. I am sorry. I remember when we got a little older and the only thing to guide us was not repeating the errors of the former years. Yet to do this we had to abandon who we were on the inside. We are not them...We never wanted to be like them. We did however want to be accepted. We did want to have a place...in the end the only place for us is within our own heart. I'm sorry for battering you about relationships. I am sorry for belittling you and making it even harder. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I am sorry for making you feel bad for the ethical choices you make. It is right, I know it...it's just I feel so pressured. The world around us affects me... I do not have your resolve. I do however, have to do all the PR work. It gets tough for me when certain questions come up. Ethical choices aren't popular in our society, especially for men, but i am proud to call you a man. I am proud that you chose integrity. I am proud that didn't give in to all the negativity. Instead you channeled it into a witty and wicked, sense of humor. I am glad that you chose to be an independent thinker and not follow blindly. I am glad that you didn't give up (you have to thank God for that one, that's His strength). I guess in the end you aren't so bad. They are liars.  You've proven your value in so many ways. I know you aren't famous, super rich, or anything like that, but people value you just the way you are. Finally I can join those ranks. It has been a very long road for me to be able to look at you and extend a hand of respect, of honor, of gratitude, of love. You are by no means perfect,but I am very pleased with the person you are. I am proud of you Solar. Sometimes I feel like we're lacking because I'm just afraid. I admit it. I am just afraid that for us it's not possible. I am afraid that what they said about us is true. I know it's not, but it's hard to hold to a belief that nothing reinforces it. It hard to hold to a belief when it seems the very opposite is true. It was hard to be at peace with you when I felt it was all your fault. I do not think that way anymore. It is not your fault. I don't blame you and I am sorry for fighting you for so long. I want the future to be better, but it cannot happen if I am add odds with you. I am sorry for the name calling, the negative things I said, sorry for putting you down and belittling you. I am sorry for trying to hurt you. I am sorry for all the wrongs that I have done to you. I am here for more than a truce, I am here for forgiveness, for your mercy, and for the basic love and respect that I have denied you all these years. Let us work together for that brighter, better, and beautiful future that we both envisioned. To my alter ego and self...I am sorry...for what it's worth------I love you man---------

With Much Respect, Love, Contrition, and Humility...

Yourself

Solar Eclipse...

Deadlines: Are they truly for everyone...
Oct 01 2009 22:46

Between yesterday and today I had three assignments due. I made all of my deadlines but not in a manner that I am pleased with. Deadlines can be one of the most useful tools to building and though it was tough meeting these particular deadlines I would like to say a few things about them in general. First deadlines, regardless of if there met, allow for you to start again. They act as sort of a reset button on the larger task at hand. So if you weren't able to accomplish it the first time, now you have a second chance. Deadlines also give you a stopping point. We all need a break, deadlines arbitrarily force us to stop, breath and start again. We can reassess where we are, where we are going, and make any necessary corrections. The deadlines with school really made me think about the purpose of their existence and how can I use them to better myself. I am thinking maybe it's time I started setting deadlines for shifts in my eating habits or maybe weight-loss deadlines. I've been reluctant to do either because I have been dropping weight without stringent rules. I am starting to wonder if despite that I could benefit from at least a few deadlines. Does my weight-loss program need deadlines...I really do not know...

Solar....

Thankful For The Small Victories
Sep 29 2009 21:57

I got back my practice LSAT results and I didn't do as great I thought I should. I guess that is to be expected when you haven't taken any prep classes or done any prep work. There are a few tricks that need to be learned before you can take that test. I have one or two of them innately the rest I need to practice. I'm really in deep with school work. I have my philosophy of law report due tomorrow (which isn't even done yet!). I have two reports due for business ethics on Thursday (which inconveniently haven't been done yet either!). I also have to read Phenomenology of the Spirit by G.W.F. Hegel. This book is a freaking monstrosity to understand! I have a short paper (10pgs) due in a few weeks (on phenomenology of the spirit). I need to get started that on now if I want it to be an A paper. School is becoming extremely demanding at the moment (I guess i shouldn't fill my schedule up with philosophy courses!). I've been getting up early, arriving at school at 8am to try and catch up on this work. Looks like this trend will continue at least for the next few weeks. Mid-terms will be here soon, so just when I am done with my Hegel paper I'll be looking at a few mid-terms to study for! I talked to the pre-law advisor and she encouraged me to do what it takes to raise my LSAT practice score. She also helped me with more stuff I need to know to make an informed decision about this. I have a lot to consider and much to weigh out...

As for my diet, I totally bombed again today by wasting lots of calories on chocolate. I guess my next step is to buy a bag of apples (I like the granny apples) and keep them in my book-bag for a snack when I'm in school. It's convenient, immediate, and healthy. I dropped my sodium intake today by about 1000mg! I am very happy about that. I see a few other places where I can reduce or remove salt from my diet so I will be working to further reduce my daily intake. I have the dumbest question but what is a good cooking ware set to get?! How will I know it's good? Sigh (this is one of those times a girlfriend really helps!!!) I need something to make my food in ( I don't want to use the old pots for my new cookbook!). I also need a set to make my cookies and other sweets in! I still believe that the easiest way to healthy eating is through cooking your own food. Now if I can just get started walking down that path! All in all I am happy about the direction things are going in as a whole. I am very grateful for me. It was hard to say that just a few months ago. Reading my old journals anyone can clearly see that I wasn't happy on the inside. I really don't know what has changed but I am different. My journals are more about growth and the future. I believe in the future  now. I believe that it can be positive and have real value. I am not sure if it's the weight-loss, taking classes that have meaning to me, or the people around me, but I'm different than I was six months ago. To me I am better. I hope to those who have to interact with me can also see my improvements....

Solar....

Well It's A Start....
Sep 28 2009 22:03

Today I totally blew my diet. I ate about 600 calories in chocolate alone. I'm trying to find the best way to incorporate healthy eating on the go. It's one of the biggest challenges facing my diet. I really want to change the very idea of what a "snack" should be. I'm trying to switch over to sweet fruits like apples, bananas, and oranges for those sugar cravings. It's tough though. I did make a one big change though, I bought a salt substitute (Mrs. Dash to be precise). I really want to address the amount of salt I take in daily. My goal is to reduce it by half by the time I hit mid-terms. Then from mids to finals I want to try to totally remove or severely limit my salt intake. I never knew how much work it is to cook every day. I can definitely appreciate all you women out there who go to work, come home and put dinner together. It's really a lot of work. Getting all these ingredients, setting everything up (all the cutting, measuring, seasoning, etc), and then there is the clean up(which I personally hate the most!). I can definitely understand the resistance to being a chef and a worker (I hate cooking already and I have only made one meal!). So a really empathetic and understanding shout out to all the women out there who prepare meals everynight or every other night while holding other obligations! It really is a lot of work! Well I am hoping that I can at least prepare dinner thrice a week. Even that is an ambitious goal. I havent even gotten a cooking set yet (afraid of the guy stigma when I walk into Macy's into the home section looking for a cooking set!). I also want a set of utensils to make my own chocolate chip cookies (I've been dying for a REALLY GOOD COOKIE!) I know I am like no where near where I want to be, but I have a plan. I agree that it's a bit ambitious but I have a framework. I have a road map of where I want to go and how I am going to get there. It's not the best but hey...it's a start...

Solar...

The Difference Calorie Count Makes
Sep 27 2009 08:43

I just returned to CC a day or two ago and I am amazed to find that I eat healthier when I am actually tracking what I eat!(I wonder if anyone did research that implies people eat healthier when they have to track their diet)  I've made the switch back to Shredded Wheat N Bran for breakfast (which is huge since the sugary cereals waste lots of calories!). I am very conscious of quantity now. I'm watching my salt intake (watching this very closely because I'm African-American). How much sugar I take in is also being watch EXTREMELY closely (that massive use of calories that have no nutritional value!). The benefits of this site are much more pronounced than I realized. I still haven't found a scale to weigh myself. I am going to school today, hopefully the gym is open and I can weigh myself there. I really would like to get a measure of my body fat percentage as well. I'm not even sure what a healthy body fat percent is for me. I recently joined twitter. I doubt I get any followers besides twitter bots. I'm not really sure why I joined. Maybe it will have use sometime in the future. Well it's Sunday morning and I have a paper to write. I'll tweet what's happening during the day I guess (I might as well make use of the thing, even  if no one is reads it!).

Solar...

Healthy Bodies, Healthy Minds, and Healthy Spirits
Sep 25 2009 21:38

I took my LSAT practice exam today. I feel totally bad! I didn't finish any of the sections of the test and though I'm not penalized for not answering, I feel like I should have done better. The test isn't actually hard, but you have to be quick! I've never taken the LSAT before nor have I ever practiced taking that exam. It's like losing your virginity! It's an experience that brings you to the other side of reality. Total ignorance of what to expect and what to do was also a common theme. I do feel a little down. I feel like I didn't do as well as I should have and all my irrational fears are trying to get the better of me! I'm thinking my score is so low that they'll tell me to start looking into other career options, or the person handing my results is going to give me that look like "You are an idiot! why did you take this test?", or just that my score will be too low I will not even be able to think clearly for weeks! I get my results back Tuesday, in the mean time I have a philosophy of law paper to write. A paper on G.W.F. Hegel (a famous philosopher) and a few case studies for ethics class. I guess I should be happy to have all this work to keep me busy so I don't stress out about my test score. I wanted to go out for a few drinks tonight, but I'm just not enthusiastic about going uptown just for drinks! (Especially alone!) I'm just a little down...I hope I did good but I don't think I did! As for my weight...I need a new scale! I am so contemplating getting a Wii and Wii-fit (especially since the price has just dropped!) but darn it, that's really STEEP right now! A Wii-fit is the best way for me to stay consistent, BUT not obsessive about the numbers on a scale! During the summer I was getting a little carried away (Like I might have weighed myself a few times a day and it was increasing!) I can weigh myself once a week or so and not be worried ( because there are lots of other games to play on a Wii). It's a huge investment but I am not sure if it's really worth it right now. I want a Wii regardless of the Wii-Fit accessory. I have other reasons, so I think it's a good buy but it's just expensive at the moment! Well I got a "B" for my food analysis for the day.  I'm trying to improve that daily. Being an African-American male, I am more likely to incur major health problems than my white counterparts, for that reason I'm looking into reduces things like my salt intake (we're prone to hypertension), I'm already on a vegan diet ( it's better for us since we're more prone to the slew of health problems that stem from poor dieting, like obesity, stroke, heart attacks, and all the other CVD). I think for African-Americans a vegan diet or at least a strong vegetarian diet should be standard. I'm trying to improve my health through much more than just lowering my calorie intake. I'm really looking at this holistically and trying to battle poor health on all fronts. This will have a huge *positive* impact on me and hopefully help me further along my more innate of goal of a healthy body, a healthy mind, and a healthy spirit!

1

Solar....

Calorie Counting In The Second Half...
Sep 24 2009 19:57

It's been a while hasn't it Journal? Well, let me tell you what's been happening since my last entry. First off school has returned and I am in full swing! I'm taking three philosophy courses this semester. I received an A+ in my summer class! This semester has started a bit rough but I'm catching up and I am making sure I am making my grades. Second on the list is my weight and diet. I've been putting off my Wii-fit (text books are expensive!!!) and I haven't really bothered to get myself weighed anywhere else, so I actually don't know what my present weight is! I haven't been counting calories since the end of summer school. I'll post in a future entry what my current weight actually is. There is much more that has happened but those two are good enough for now. Hope all of the calorie count forum lurkers, posters, newcomers and regulars are doing great. I've lost about half of what I should in about a six-month time period. Today starts the journey to my goal weight, a phase two if you will, that will complete my year long expedition to a healthier lifestyle. This time around it's not so much about counting calories as it is eating healthy. When I first started using calorie count I just wanted to shed some pounds, now though, I've evolved to where healthy living is my goal. I'll be using calorie in a drastically different way this time and I hope it does lead to a healthier lifestyle overall. With health as my goal, I'm learning to make my own food and make better choices. I think the best way to ensure healthy eating is to make your own food. That is the major goal of this "phase two." I am proud of myself. I am proud of the growth in me through "phase one." I am very eager, even happy, about what the final product will look like. As I change more and more on the outside I am really happy to feel that change on the inside as well. Well, vacation time is over, it's time to get back to business...

Solar...

On a side note in keeping with my "cook it yourself" theme, I bought "the vegan table" cookbook and I'm starting to cook for myself! It's really cool. It's really healthy, really vegan, and it's REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!!

I am finally at the end...
Aug 18 2009 09:56

...of summer school that is! I am sooo happy! I have been hovering an A average in this class (social problems). I have about a week before school officially hits. This is my final year!!!! I can't believe I am going to have my undergraduate degree! It has been a long road here for me. In the end I realized that ethics, justice, and doing what's right (and good) is worth more to me than anything else. My weight-loss journey has encompassed so much. Learning to accept who you are is so much more than just weight! School, weight-loss(I'm not sure where I am now but last time I checked I was down about 40lbs from my highest), and a few other things are coming to an end ( Well I am going to grad school or law school after so not done with school). I am getting a small taste of that success presently and I have to tell you it does feel good! I am growing more and more...and I am proud of myself for doing my best where ever I end up that's where I'll be...that I can live with.

Solar.... 

Took A Day Off!
Jul 30 2009 14:27

I have been super busy with school! This one class has me buried under a whole host of reading, searching, and preparing! I just got back my mid-term exam, got a 94 in case you were wondering, and I just needed a break! Between the 50-100 pages reading per week and having to do an in depth presentation on obesity I'm beat! I was supposed to hit the library today but I just couldn't. I needed a day to catch my breath. I hope everyone is doing great in life and in weight-loss. The last time I weight myself (which was just before my nephews moved for good) I weighed 190! 10 more pounds to go and I hit my summer goal of being 180! I am so excited. I've gotten some of that positive weight loss attention. I'm loving the new me. I still have quite a ways to go but I am making progress, and I am thankful for that. If nothing else I am moving in the right direction! Also since going vegan I haven't really learned how to actually cook anything. I usually buy convenience vegan food and other junk. Once I hit the end of this three month goal, I will add healthy cooking and eating to next three-month weight goal. I think I want to start lifting weights once I hit 180 because I don't want to lose anymore muscle. I am doing great in school and I have narrowed the options of what career I will choose. It will either be a College Professor or a Lawyer. My neighbor is going to introduce me to some of her lawyer friends and college professor acquaintances she has. Just so that I can hear first hand what both professions are like. I am very grateful to her, oh and she's cute!! She's older though, in her 40's (I'm guessing) definitely past 35. She's hot though (nothing wrong with hot older women lol) Well that's what has been going on. School, school, and eyeing the hot girls back when they eye me (now working on asking some out, but that's a whole other issue!). Another update will hopefully come soon....

Solar...