solareclps's Journal

I Love You, Man...
Oct 02 2009 22:03

Dear Solar,

                 I know we've not always had the most functional of relationships. You get on my nerves sometimes. From when we were kids I hated the fact you didn't stand up to bullies. I hated the fact that you were always scared. I understand why. I understand how living under such a heavy handed father made you afraid that everyone would hurt you. I understand why you felt afraid of the outside world. "If my father could hurt me this much think about what someone else would do." I know... I understand. I want to tell you that I forgive you for what I felt you should have done. I, too, apologize for not helping. We were very young there is no way we could have known. I remember the days of taunting and torment. I hated those days as well. I wanted you to fight back, but again I understand your fear. I understand the type of crippling fear an abusive parent can inflict upon the mind of a child. It's not your fault and though I have blamed you for so much...I truly am sorry. The torment didn't end. Two-years of straight fighting...fighting to feel like you are a person, fighting to be treated with respect, fighting a battle that you could not win and did not win. In the end a kid stood in the hallways of school crying...I do remember what it feels like and I am sorry I abandoned you when you needed me the most. Those times I should have had your back, I am sorry. The days of torment have not left my mind, yet I, too joined with those of the past and torment you. I am sorry. I remember when we got a little older and the only thing to guide us was not repeating the errors of the former years. Yet to do this we had to abandon who we were on the inside. We are not them...We never wanted to be like them. We did however want to be accepted. We did want to have a place...in the end the only place for us is within our own heart. I'm sorry for battering you about relationships. I am sorry for belittling you and making it even harder. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I am sorry for making you feel bad for the ethical choices you make. It is right, I know it...it's just I feel so pressured. The world around us affects me... I do not have your resolve. I do however, have to do all the PR work. It gets tough for me when certain questions come up. Ethical choices aren't popular in our society, especially for men, but i am proud to call you a man. I am proud that you chose integrity. I am proud that didn't give in to all the negativity. Instead you channeled it into a witty and wicked, sense of humor. I am glad that you chose to be an independent thinker and not follow blindly. I am glad that you didn't give up (you have to thank God for that one, that's His strength). I guess in the end you aren't so bad. They are liars.  You've proven your value in so many ways. I know you aren't famous, super rich, or anything like that, but people value you just the way you are. Finally I can join those ranks. It has been a very long road for me to be able to look at you and extend a hand of respect, of honor, of gratitude, of love. You are by no means perfect,but I am very pleased with the person you are. I am proud of you Solar. Sometimes I feel like we're lacking because I'm just afraid. I admit it. I am just afraid that for us it's not possible. I am afraid that what they said about us is true. I know it's not, but it's hard to hold to a belief that nothing reinforces it. It hard to hold to a belief when it seems the very opposite is true. It was hard to be at peace with you when I felt it was all your fault. I do not think that way anymore. It is not your fault. I don't blame you and I am sorry for fighting you for so long. I want the future to be better, but it cannot happen if I am add odds with you. I am sorry for the name calling, the negative things I said, sorry for putting you down and belittling you. I am sorry for trying to hurt you. I am sorry for all the wrongs that I have done to you. I am here for more than a truce, I am here for forgiveness, for your mercy, and for the basic love and respect that I have denied you all these years. Let us work together for that brighter, better, and beautiful future that we both envisioned. To my alter ego and self...I am sorry...for what it's worth------I love you man---------

With Much Respect, Love, Contrition, and Humility...

Yourself

Solar Eclipse...