star1020's Journal

That's how long I've been at work.  I've got at least 4 more until Scottie manages to get up here from Chester to pick me up.  At least I'm getting my car back today.  Too bad I'll be in the hole forever now.

I'm really hungry.  I still have half a veggie wrap left but I'm trying desperately to wait until 4:30ish to eat it so I'm not psycho hungry when I get home.  I only have enough calories left for a baked potato, a cup of broccoli, and a vanilla blueberry smoothie tonight.  I hate this not being able to work out stuff.  1200 cals is NOTHING.  At least tomorrow I'll be back to working out and I get to go back up to 1400.  I can deal with that.  I already planned out tomorrow's menu in advance so I can get everything packed (I'm leaving for work at an obscene hour to try to get my 8 hours in before the snow hits) and I get to eat yummy stuff like PB&J and my healthy fiber-liscious vegan cookies which I can't do on 1200.

I'm thinking of telling my boss that I came into work 3 hours early today and seeing if I can work a shorter shift tomorrow.  Not sure yet though.  I might just eat my 11 hour day.

I'm talking to Andy on email right now.  He is keeping me sane.  He leaves at 5 or 6ish though and then I'm on my own.  I'm trying to butter him up to bring his Techs to the not-yet-definite afterparty on 3/3 but I don't know how to ask without sounding like a jerk.  I need to put out a myspace bulletin or something and see who responds voluntarily.  We need at least a mixer, amp, and needles, as long as people can deal with the Stantons all night.  I really need to buy some new decks but the car fiasco just set that back even further.

I have a really short fuse today.  Maybe because I'm hungry.  I'm trying to make it 56 more minutes until I eat.  This bites.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I'm making vegan chicken soup (good day to do it b/c of the snow) and I have off Wednesday.  Perhaps some sanity will be re-gained.

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Yeah, so my car broke down.  Just quit working right in the middle lane of 676 before the I-95 interchange.  Nice.  I almost got hit by a tractor trailer and about a billion other cars that were swerving to barely miss me at 70 mph.  And the friggin' 911 operator tells me to "calm down" and they'll send police "as soon as someone is available."  Hello?  I'm in the middle of the fucking highway with cars speeding toward me and I'm in a crushes-like-a-soda-can Civic.  Waited for 20 minutes screaming and crying to BF on the phone and frantically watching my rearview as cars came within inches of rear-ending me.  Stupid pigs finally showed up, pushed my car off the Broad Street exit, said "you're ok now" and drove away and left me there.  So I'm sitting in my car that won't start with no heat and the wind chill is somewhere in the 20s and I don't know what to do.  Luckily some tow truck guy was just driving by and after much decision-making I paid him $149 to have me towed to a garage near my house.   That takes my savings right on down to zero.  So basically to get my car fixed I have to spend the $150 that Mel gave me to hold onto for her.  If it's more than $150 I'm screwed.  If it's not, I still have to basically steal money from my unemployed friend to fix it.  Awesome.

So yesterday I had pretty much a continuous 8 hour panic attack and spent half the day sleeping and the other half freaking out and hyperventilating.  BF got home from work about 6:30 and ordered me a vegan calzone (we just discovered a new gourmet pizza place) and I ate the entire f-ing thing and didn't even care.  Well, there went my calories for yesterday.  I basically pigged out and even drank soda (which I NEVER do) and just didn't care all day.  Great.  I can feel the extra weight that's gonna show on the scale on Wednesday already.

Bill called from Iraq last night.  Him and the other guys guarding their area had to blast apart a bunch of trucks because they wouldn't leave the area and were threatening security.  He saw a bunch of fried dead people.  He's going to be so twisted when he gets back.  He's still upbeat though and talking about moving out to mid-western PA and buying me a house.  I'm so totally not moving out there but I'll let him dream for now.  If he said he wanted to fly to Mars when he got back I'd just let him think it was gonna happen.  The kid's gotta have some hope going on out there.  I should write him; haven't done that in a bit.  I've been a hermit and sucking lately.

I missed work yesterday because of the car fiasco.  I have to make up the day next Saturday.  Also, I've used up my days off.  If I call off one more time between now and May 30th I get written up and my job is in jeopardy.  Great.  If I get the flu I'm totally f-ed and if it snows I just have to take out the Civic with the bald tires and pray.  We're supposed to get a really bad storm on Tuesday night.  It's supposed to start before I'm off work.  I really hope I don't have to die in a firey car accident for this job.  Maybe if I had a cool job or one that paid a lot I wouldn't mind too much, but this job?  No, I'd really rather not have them peel my mangled corpse off the frozen asphalt for my 30-something a year job where everyone treats you like an expendable piece of crap.

Speaking of crap, I'm at work right now.  Gotta wait for BF to pick me up.  Until my car gets fixed I'll be working 12 hour shifts since it's the only way he can give me a ride and still make his shift at his own job.  Do you think I'll get time off to make up for the long shifts?  Fuck no.  I'll ask and risk getting yelled at though I suppose.

I'm still under my calorie limit for today.  It's 6:19 and I'll probably be home by 9:30.  At that point I'm going to make myself a salad and call it a night.  I should be around 1200 for the day if I do that.  I won't have time to work out again until my car is fixed so I have to do 1200 until then.  That sucks; I'm cool on 1400 but 1200 I just get tired and hungry and grumpy.  Not to mention that I'll be fricken tired already because we have to leave the house by 6:45am tomorrow to get me here by 7:30 and I won't get picked up until 6:45pm at the earliest. 

Sometimes I really hate my life.  I should have seen this coming.  I keep saying that I haven't been more than 2 weeks without something catastrophic (usually financially bad, but there have been some friends die, home break-ins, serious injuries, hospitalizations, etc. just to keep things interesting I suppose) happening.  I had $150 in savings for our new place, I was actually paid up (some in advance) on all my bills and had spending money.  In one fell swoop I'm back in the hole again.  I'll pull myself out eventually but then something else will happen after a couple of weeks of stuff looking up.  This cycle has been going on since I was about 22 or so.  I know this is bad, but God has really been pissing me off with this shit lately.  I think I've paid and then some for whatever heinous sin I committed for having the Life of Living Hell and now I think he's just laughing at me.  Like he won't kill me, but I'm like when a kid pulls all the legs off a spider and just watches it writhe in agony.  He needs to either stop pulling at my legs or just squish me already because I really can't take this mentally anymore.  People say I'm a pessimist until I start telling them the sequence of events that's gone down for the last 5+ years.  Then they're like "DAMN you have the worst luck of anyone I know."  So seriously, anyone reading this (which I'm pretty sure no one does anyway, at least not regularly) don't leave me any "it'll get better" or "look on the bright side" crap in my comments, because seriously, the fact that I'm such a hopeful person is what's kept me going and out of the mental institution this long.  Pretty much anyone else unless their Buddha or some crap would have cracked and been put away in an institution to spend the remainder of their days wearing a bathrobe, eating psychotropic cocktails, and drooling on themselves.

Ha, I guess you could probably say "well at least be thankful for your sanity."  It's hanging by a thread at this point, we'll see whether the thread finally snaps soon or not.  As it stands I think I just need to get massively fucked-up soon and take a reality vacation. 

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Wow.  I almost didn't weigh myself this morning.  I was too scared.  I was PMSing all week and had at least one major binge and a few minor "I shouldn't have eaten that" moments.  Then last night I actually saved up enough calories to have a huge slice of chocolate chip cookie cake (omfg so good) from Gianna's since my BF always buys me one on the first day since I have cramps from hell and don't feel good.  I only saved enough calories for the cake, but I decided I needed to wash it down with light vanilla soymilk with tons of chocolate syrup mixed in.  I had two huge glasses.  Then I was craving something salty so I had a bunch of pretzel sticks dipped in peanut butter.  I probably ate at least 2T of peanut butter which is 200 cals right there, plus a lot of salt which would contribute to the water retention I'm sure I already have.

So Wednesday is weigh-in day for me and I almost didn't do it - thought it would just depress me, and I'd wait until next week when I was hormonally normal again.  But then curiosity just got the best of me so I got on there.  I'm down exactly 2lbs.  WOW!  Odd, considering that the two weeks previous I had stuck to my diet like glue and actually GAINED on one weigh-in and got stuck at the other.  I'm not sure why a week of eating a bunch of chocolate and crap helped me lose 2lbs even though I've really only been losing 1 a week or less since this whole thing started, but I'm happy for whatever the reason.  Time to get back on the wagon though.  I'm supposed to go out with my friend tonight who just moved back here from L.A. to some breaks monthly at Fluid.  I'm not sure what they're drink specials will be (I'm only taking 10 bucks so I'm all about the specials) so I just saved enough cals for 3 non-light beers.  I figure that's enough for me for 4 hours.  I gotta drive and all.  If there's a special on light beer though I'll be having that instead and that way I can either have a bigger deficit (right now it's only 350ish for the day) or have a snack if I'm really ravenous when I get home.  So I'm eating really light today, I've had my cereal for breakfast and snack of natural peanut butter spread on a whole wheat pita (I know, weird, but it's so satisfying!) around 10am and it's currently 12:40 and I'm not hungry yet.  I have black beans and rice for lunch which I'll probably eat around 2 which will definitely get me to dinner time.  I'm going to try to squeeze in a pilates abs workout and my arms routine with the free weights before heading out to Fluid.  I figure I get home at 5, workout from 5-6, shower & primp my girly ass 6-7:30 (yeah, I'm one of those girls who takes friggin' forever), head out to pick up Melanie and be back at the apartment by 8, pre-game until 8:45 and then head out to Fluid.  The club is like 5 minutes away but I'm planning on having to drive around for a good 30 minutes to find any parking near South Street.  Maybe we'll get lucky because it's a Wednesday.  Man, tight schedule.  I'm gonna have to hustle.  I'm looking forward to a fun night though, yay!

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I just caved.  It was one of my first "real" caves.  I binged.  I got really really hungry, but I didn't have my usual evening smoothie because I didn't do the hour of yoga I was supposed to do when I got home from work - boyfriend was in the living room playing video games and there's not enough space in the bedroom.  So I sat there getting hungrier and hungrier and I caved and decided to allow myself a small bowl of cereal with light soymilk.  Then I wanted chocolate.  So very badly.  And I have the bag of vegan chocolate chips sitting on the shelf so I can make my bf cookies tomorrow.  I knew I didn't need the whole bag for the recipe so I ate about 1/4 cup of those - 3 small handfuls.  Then I wanted peanut butter.  I put about a Tbsp of PB on whole grain bread and ate that too.  Then I had PB all stuck in my mouth so I drank a bit more soymilk.  I was going to just go to bed and start over tomorrow, but I MADE myself come on here and log everything.  I'm about 100 cals over my expenditure for the day.  I feel like crap and almost nauseous.  Not because I'm too full, because I'm really not, but just for the fact that I ate all that.  I need a new rule.  If I can't eat it in front of someone, I shouldn't be eating it.  Eating in secret always leads to bad things.  I could eat all that because BF is upstairs hanging with our other housemate.

I will do better tomorrow.  My period is coming on Monday so that's making things harder.  I swear, my chocolate cravings are SO bad it's like a drug addiction.  I want chocolate even more than I want a cigarette...although I could go for one of those too.  I need to focus.  I have a goal.  I want to look amazing on March 31st for my BF's gig at this big club called Transit.  It's his first gig in Philadelphia and he's really excited.  I want him to look out from behind the turntables and see me on the dancefloor and be like "DAMN.  That's my girlfriend."  Focus.  Focus.  Focus, Beth.

I think I'm bloated too.  My tummy definitely has a little pooch that wasn't there last week.  It was all flat and hard then and I looked in the mirror and felt good.  Now I just feel fat and I look in the mirror and pull my shirt up and dread that day on 3/1 when I'll be wearing a teensy shirt that bares my midriff.  I think that leading to lower self-esteem is making me want to binge too.  Because when I think I look fat, I get the "fuck it" mentality and try to make myself feel better with food.  But I never feel better.

Tomorrow will be hard.  I'm going out to dinner with an old friend that I haven't seen in 4 years.  Plan is to have a black bean burger with lettuce and tomato, and a small side salad instead of fries.  After that we're probably getting together with some other people and drinking for lack of money to do anything better.  I'm racking my brain for what to mix with hard liquor that won't damage my calorie expenditure to horrifically.  I don't drink diet soda so it's hard.  I might just stick to shots with fruit chasers.  Lemon drops all night will get me delightfully buzzed without drinking too much.  And between shots I can chug water which will keep me hydrated.  Ok...that's the plan.  Buy cheap (but not TOO cheap) vodka and a bunch of lemons tomorrow.  At least the plan is to get drunk and play DDR.  I'll be burning some cals while I'm taking them in.  And I'll be doing that hour of yoga that got pushed to the side today, and probably my arm workout too since tomorrow SHOULD have been arms had I not skipped yoga day. 

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So I've been feeling generally depressed today and I'm not entirely sure why.  I've been trying to shake it with music as I usually do - been listening to my fave Nice Guys CD all day at my desk (The no-headphones rule be damned!) but I actually thing the music might be making me MORE depressed.  I think I need some time on a dance floor.  Haven't gotten any since New Years and even then my stupid ass decided to get too inebriated to dance very much at all.  Usually when I start feeling like this, a good 6-8 hours of hard dancing is all I need.  Mmmm...pounding music, lights, the smell of sweat and cigarettes in the air...  Yeah, I'm rave-craving.  Too bad there's pretty much nothing worth paying any money for (or driving ridiculous distances to) until March 3rd.  Holy shit, March 3rd.  That's over a month.  Can I make it that long?  There's some crap going down in NYC in February the night before President's Day that there's been talk amongst my friends of going to.  I REALLY don't feel like driving to New York again...the Holland Tunnel is seriously the bane of my existence.  Well...I suppose I'll go if everyone else does.  Not spending money though.  I'm serious.  Gonna hold myself to it.  I need to save for March because once the 3rd hits there's 3 amazing events right in a row that I wanna have some "blow it on stupid crap" money for.

Tonight is my DDR night.  Maybe that will help to assuage some of the rave-craving.  Playing DDR for a rave-craving is like eating a saltine when what you really wanted was dinner at a 5 star restaurant.  Hmmmm...connecting even this to food, hahaha.

And the other thing that's annoying me is my car CD player won't play.  I had to change the battery over the weekend (old one totally died) and the anti-theft device on the CD player locks it when it's disconnected from the power source (battery).  It's asking me for a code.  Wtf?  Whoever programmed the code was probably the guy who owned it before me.  They really should have told me about this at the dealership when I bought the car.  Maybe wrote it down somewhere for me?  And another thing - who's going to steal a crappy factory CD player???  The thing says "Honda" right on the front of it in big white letters so it's not like anyone could mistake it for a Pioneer or anything.  Sigh.  I gotta find my VIN number and registration so I can prove to the dealership that it's mine and get my music back.  45 min. commute to and from work is maddening in silence.  And I kind of suck at driving when I don't have music.  I'm really tense.

Well, I have to go to a meeting in 3 minutes and talk about new procedures with incompetent people who won't be listening anyway.  Wheee!

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Yeah, so I just inputted a whole journal entry that was pretty lengthy, and then CC logged me out for no reason and it's gone.  Well, I guess no one here cares about what has been going on with me for the last week anyway.  This is assuming that anyone reads this at all.

Here's the abridged version: Quitting smoking going well.  Cheated Sat. while drunk.  Smoked 4.  Got new plugs for ears.  Spent too much.  They look awesome.  Considering a new piercing but not sure.  Got ditched by friends on Saturday because I wouldn't attend a party in a drug-infested hole with them on Friday.  Nice.  Got drunk Sat.  99 Apples is the most disgusting liquor ever.  Finished vodka.  Started tequila.  Cheated on diet on Sunday with hangover Chinese food.  Felt like crap.  Realized that every time I eat Chinese lately I feel like crap.  Will try to remember that next time the opportunity for takeout arises.  Hope I lost some weight this week.  Weigh-in is tomorrow.  Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

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Well, I'm up 1.8 lbs since last Wednesday, but down about a percent in body fat.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I know I promised myself that I wasn't going to care about a weight number, just about body fat, but the "stupid girl" part of me still cares a little bit.  Especially since there's so many people on this site that are like "I'm 5'7" and weigh 120 lbs and my goal weight is 115."  I don't know, I've always built muscle really easily, and I guess I should be glad about that.  I want to be healthy, but there's still that nagging subconscious part of me that wishes I could be like "those girls" who are able to get themselves down to a 10 lb underweight Paris Hilton-esque physique.  I'll never be there - not unless I diet only without working out; working out puts on the muscle too fast for me.  That, and having 34D boobs kind of precludes one from every being VERY underweight.  I guess I should be happy that big perky boobs and good muscle tone are amongst my assets.  There's still that part though...still that part that says "I wish I could weigh 117...115....110...."  It's pretty sick how society encourages that shit.  I've got to be less hard on myself. 

That, and I'm really sick of all the underweight "I ate 600 calories today; OMG I feel so fat" girls on this site trying to be friends with me.  Just because I am relatively thin myself and vegan does not mean I share the ED that you are so proud (or seemingly and disturbingly unaware) of.  I have no interest in your ability to adhere to the 2/4/6 diet or to spend entire days ingesting nothing but diet Coke.  Your body is rotting away from the inside and I find that revolting.  Go away.

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So I haven't had a cigarette since Saturday night.  I'm feeling okay actually.  It's funny...I had the last cigarette out of my last pack on Saturday in my hand, but I couldn't smoke it.  The darn thing is still sitting in my car with a lighter right next to it.  It's weird - I feel like if I smoke it and there's no more, and I don't have the option to smoke that I'll fail at quitting, because those are the circumstances under which I've failed before.  BUT...having that "last" smoke sitting there in my car and choosing not to smoke it is somehow empowering and makes me feel like I'll succeed.  I'm sure I'll eventually throw it out, or else smoke it in a drunken moment of weakness - either way it'll be all stale and gross by then which will probably further my incentive to not smoke.  Supposedly, all the nicotine in my system will be flushed out by tomorrow.  I'm feeling almost no withdrawl, aside from the fact that identifying myself as a "non-smoker" is somehow still surreal.

BF is having a harder time.  He is VERY grumpy.  He didn't smoke his last one until Sunday night so I've got about 36 hours on him.  I keep telling him how proud I am of him and that he can do it.  He's eating a whole lot more.  Well, one thing at a time...once he's "fully" quit, I can work on the dietary changes.  I think he'll be more open to changing his eating habits now.  He told me the other day that he thinks he has really bad acid reflux disease and he's worried about it and thinks he should see a doctor.  I told him not to let a doc put him on medication, but if he cut out cigarettes, coffee, and fried food that would be a massive step in the right direction.  I also told him that if he let me help him with an eating/exercise plan that I could make his heartburn go away completely in under 4 months and he'd probably drop a bunch of weight too.  I keep telling him about CC, but he seems to think it's silly right now.  However, I said to him last week "You know I've lost 10 pounds since the first week of December, right?  That's not an accident..."  Perhaps that got him thinking.  Once he's got all the nicotine out of his system I'm going to work on the fast food.  Wish me luck.

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I'm so pissed right now.  I got my W-2 from work today and I was all excited to see how much my return was (because I owed last year and I'm still paying it off).  I logged onto the H&R Block website and went through the quick form to see how much my return would be.  I owe 98 dollars on federal.  And that isn't even taking into account my local taxes.  My job doesn't take out local taxes for some assinine reason and last year I owed over 600 bucks.  I'm still paying that off and I can probably add another 600 to that.  So I'm up to around 1300 dollars that I owe on my taxes.  I'll never be able to pay it.  I make 30 grand a year for goodness' sake.  It's not fair.  I know people who make 60+ grand a year and get like 1000 dollars back on their taxes.  I don't understand how I can work so hard for so little and I still owe back.  I only make 2000 a month take-home pay.  That's barely enough for my car and student loan payments and an apartment in the city.  I'm never going to get ahead.  It doesn't matter how creatively I budget - eventually it will all come crashing down around me and I'll be broke completely.  I mean, I guess my wages will start getting garnished at some point because I owe so many taxes.  Then I'll lose my apartment and likely my car and default on my loans.  It doesn't matter what I do.  I think God just wants me to fail and lie down in a ditch and die somewhere.  My whole life is like a cruel joke.  Just when things start getting okay again, something happens so I lose a lot of money or my house gets broken into or someone dies or I end up in the hospital, etc. etc.  I haven't had a whole 2 weeks go by without something catastrophic happening in over 2 years.  I don't even know why I bother to think "maybe things will get better" anymore.  They won't.  I'm done.  I'm tired.  I'm ready to give up. 

EDIT: (later on) so yeah, I really wanted to just say "screw it" and get something I'd totally regret eating later on my dinner break.  As it stands, I ate a garden salad with light vinagrette dressing, a chocolate almond Clif bar and an orange.  I still get to have a big banana and strawberry smoothie when I get home and stay under my 1400 for the day.  Did an hour of yoga this morning.  Guess I did okay then.  Even if I'm poor at least I'll look hot in a bikini (gotta see the bright side right?)

I feel better about the tax thing after sending sarcastic emails back and for with A. while at work.  Dunno how he makes me feel better; it's his attitude I guess.  He's not overly sympathetic or  annoyingly upbeat, but when something f-ed up happens he's basically like "man, that's f-ed up" and then attempts to see the humor in it.  I like that.  We definitely need to hang more often.  I'm really glad to have my best friend back again.

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Sitting here and killing the last 10 minutes of work.  I hate working weekends.

BF is away for the weekend, up in the Poconos getting fitted for a tux for his brother's wedding.  He plans on getting incredibly drunk tonight he tells me. 

As for me, my friend A. is supposedly picking me up at my place somewhere around 9-ish to go to a club in the city.  One of our friends is DJ-ing there as well as R.A.W. who I always seem to miss when he's in the area.  I hear he's an amazing turntablist.  Hopefully A. won't crap out on me, because I really don't want to have to drive myself there, and besides, he and I haven't gotten to spend sober not-in-a-club time together in over 6 months.  I know BF is a little apprehensive about me hanging with A. tonight - he's still not over the fact that they both were after me at the same time a year ago.  Not sure why he won't just be satisfied with the fact that he got me and A. didn't, but oh well.  He got kind of snippy with me last night when I mentioned my plans for the evening.  Later he told me to have a good time though so whatever.  I need some alone time with A. anyway.  We had a falling out over the summer and even in the year we were joined at the hip before that I did some pretty crappy things to him.  I'd like to blame it on low self-esteem and too-frequent nights of chemical intoxication, but though those might be factors they're not excuses.  I need to aplogize for a lot of things and hopefully heal what's happened between us.  He used to be my best friend and we swore we'd always be there for each other no matter what.  Now we kind of have this uncomfortable peripheral friendship thing going on and that's just not good enough for me.  I really hope he'll come out tonight.  I owe him 20 bucks so maybe that's an incentive.

Limiting myself to 2 beers tonight; I was pondering a long island, but then I'd only be able to have one, and I'm going to be there for a good 5 hours and there's only so long I can nurse one drink.  I have room for a 3rd in there as long as I drink light.  Maybe I'll drink light anyway.  Safer.  Still, I can't drink too much.  Clouded judgement in the presence of A. coupled with the fact that my Wellbutrin has the lovely effect of making me black out really easily just isn't something I'm going for this evening.  Gotta make it up in time to do an hour of yoga before work tomorrow anyway.  BF will be home by the time I get home from work and there's no getting anything done once he's in the apartment.

10 minutes passed...onto pick up my laundry from the laundromat and race home.  A., you idiot, freakin' call me.

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