star1020's Journal

I just caved.  It was one of my first "real" caves.  I binged.  I got really really hungry, but I didn't have my usual evening smoothie because I didn't do the hour of yoga I was supposed to do when I got home from work - boyfriend was in the living room playing video games and there's not enough space in the bedroom.  So I sat there getting hungrier and hungrier and I caved and decided to allow myself a small bowl of cereal with light soymilk.  Then I wanted chocolate.  So very badly.  And I have the bag of vegan chocolate chips sitting on the shelf so I can make my bf cookies tomorrow.  I knew I didn't need the whole bag for the recipe so I ate about 1/4 cup of those - 3 small handfuls.  Then I wanted peanut butter.  I put about a Tbsp of PB on whole grain bread and ate that too.  Then I had PB all stuck in my mouth so I drank a bit more soymilk.  I was going to just go to bed and start over tomorrow, but I MADE myself come on here and log everything.  I'm about 100 cals over my expenditure for the day.  I feel like crap and almost nauseous.  Not because I'm too full, because I'm really not, but just for the fact that I ate all that.  I need a new rule.  If I can't eat it in front of someone, I shouldn't be eating it.  Eating in secret always leads to bad things.  I could eat all that because BF is upstairs hanging with our other housemate.

I will do better tomorrow.  My period is coming on Monday so that's making things harder.  I swear, my chocolate cravings are SO bad it's like a drug addiction.  I want chocolate even more than I want a cigarette...although I could go for one of those too.  I need to focus.  I have a goal.  I want to look amazing on March 31st for my BF's gig at this big club called Transit.  It's his first gig in Philadelphia and he's really excited.  I want him to look out from behind the turntables and see me on the dancefloor and be like "DAMN.  That's my girlfriend."  Focus.  Focus.  Focus, Beth.

I think I'm bloated too.  My tummy definitely has a little pooch that wasn't there last week.  It was all flat and hard then and I looked in the mirror and felt good.  Now I just feel fat and I look in the mirror and pull my shirt up and dread that day on 3/1 when I'll be wearing a teensy shirt that bares my midriff.  I think that leading to lower self-esteem is making me want to binge too.  Because when I think I look fat, I get the "fuck it" mentality and try to make myself feel better with food.  But I never feel better.

Tomorrow will be hard.  I'm going out to dinner with an old friend that I haven't seen in 4 years.  Plan is to have a black bean burger with lettuce and tomato, and a small side salad instead of fries.  After that we're probably getting together with some other people and drinking for lack of money to do anything better.  I'm racking my brain for what to mix with hard liquor that won't damage my calorie expenditure to horrifically.  I don't drink diet soda so it's hard.  I might just stick to shots with fruit chasers.  Lemon drops all night will get me delightfully buzzed without drinking too much.  And between shots I can chug water which will keep me hydrated.  Ok...that's the plan.  Buy cheap (but not TOO cheap) vodka and a bunch of lemons tomorrow.  At least the plan is to get drunk and play DDR.  I'll be burning some cals while I'm taking them in.  And I'll be doing that hour of yoga that got pushed to the side today, and probably my arm workout too since tomorrow SHOULD have been arms had I not skipped yoga day.