star1020's Journal

Yeah, so my car broke down.  Just quit working right in the middle lane of 676 before the I-95 interchange.  Nice.  I almost got hit by a tractor trailer and about a billion other cars that were swerving to barely miss me at 70 mph.  And the friggin' 911 operator tells me to "calm down" and they'll send police "as soon as someone is available."  Hello?  I'm in the middle of the fucking highway with cars speeding toward me and I'm in a crushes-like-a-soda-can Civic.  Waited for 20 minutes screaming and crying to BF on the phone and frantically watching my rearview as cars came within inches of rear-ending me.  Stupid pigs finally showed up, pushed my car off the Broad Street exit, said "you're ok now" and drove away and left me there.  So I'm sitting in my car that won't start with no heat and the wind chill is somewhere in the 20s and I don't know what to do.  Luckily some tow truck guy was just driving by and after much decision-making I paid him $149 to have me towed to a garage near my house.   That takes my savings right on down to zero.  So basically to get my car fixed I have to spend the $150 that Mel gave me to hold onto for her.  If it's more than $150 I'm screwed.  If it's not, I still have to basically steal money from my unemployed friend to fix it.  Awesome.

So yesterday I had pretty much a continuous 8 hour panic attack and spent half the day sleeping and the other half freaking out and hyperventilating.  BF got home from work about 6:30 and ordered me a vegan calzone (we just discovered a new gourmet pizza place) and I ate the entire f-ing thing and didn't even care.  Well, there went my calories for yesterday.  I basically pigged out and even drank soda (which I NEVER do) and just didn't care all day.  Great.  I can feel the extra weight that's gonna show on the scale on Wednesday already.

Bill called from Iraq last night.  Him and the other guys guarding their area had to blast apart a bunch of trucks because they wouldn't leave the area and were threatening security.  He saw a bunch of fried dead people.  He's going to be so twisted when he gets back.  He's still upbeat though and talking about moving out to mid-western PA and buying me a house.  I'm so totally not moving out there but I'll let him dream for now.  If he said he wanted to fly to Mars when he got back I'd just let him think it was gonna happen.  The kid's gotta have some hope going on out there.  I should write him; haven't done that in a bit.  I've been a hermit and sucking lately.

I missed work yesterday because of the car fiasco.  I have to make up the day next Saturday.  Also, I've used up my days off.  If I call off one more time between now and May 30th I get written up and my job is in jeopardy.  Great.  If I get the flu I'm totally f-ed and if it snows I just have to take out the Civic with the bald tires and pray.  We're supposed to get a really bad storm on Tuesday night.  It's supposed to start before I'm off work.  I really hope I don't have to die in a firey car accident for this job.  Maybe if I had a cool job or one that paid a lot I wouldn't mind too much, but this job?  No, I'd really rather not have them peel my mangled corpse off the frozen asphalt for my 30-something a year job where everyone treats you like an expendable piece of crap.

Speaking of crap, I'm at work right now.  Gotta wait for BF to pick me up.  Until my car gets fixed I'll be working 12 hour shifts since it's the only way he can give me a ride and still make his shift at his own job.  Do you think I'll get time off to make up for the long shifts?  Fuck no.  I'll ask and risk getting yelled at though I suppose.

I'm still under my calorie limit for today.  It's 6:19 and I'll probably be home by 9:30.  At that point I'm going to make myself a salad and call it a night.  I should be around 1200 for the day if I do that.  I won't have time to work out again until my car is fixed so I have to do 1200 until then.  That sucks; I'm cool on 1400 but 1200 I just get tired and hungry and grumpy.  Not to mention that I'll be fricken tired already because we have to leave the house by 6:45am tomorrow to get me here by 7:30 and I won't get picked up until 6:45pm at the earliest. 

Sometimes I really hate my life.  I should have seen this coming.  I keep saying that I haven't been more than 2 weeks without something catastrophic (usually financially bad, but there have been some friends die, home break-ins, serious injuries, hospitalizations, etc. just to keep things interesting I suppose) happening.  I had $150 in savings for our new place, I was actually paid up (some in advance) on all my bills and had spending money.  In one fell swoop I'm back in the hole again.  I'll pull myself out eventually but then something else will happen after a couple of weeks of stuff looking up.  This cycle has been going on since I was about 22 or so.  I know this is bad, but God has really been pissing me off with this shit lately.  I think I've paid and then some for whatever heinous sin I committed for having the Life of Living Hell and now I think he's just laughing at me.  Like he won't kill me, but I'm like when a kid pulls all the legs off a spider and just watches it writhe in agony.  He needs to either stop pulling at my legs or just squish me already because I really can't take this mentally anymore.  People say I'm a pessimist until I start telling them the sequence of events that's gone down for the last 5+ years.  Then they're like "DAMN you have the worst luck of anyone I know."  So seriously, anyone reading this (which I'm pretty sure no one does anyway, at least not regularly) don't leave me any "it'll get better" or "look on the bright side" crap in my comments, because seriously, the fact that I'm such a hopeful person is what's kept me going and out of the mental institution this long.  Pretty much anyone else unless their Buddha or some crap would have cracked and been put away in an institution to spend the remainder of their days wearing a bathrobe, eating psychotropic cocktails, and drooling on themselves.

Ha, I guess you could probably say "well at least be thankful for your sanity."  It's hanging by a thread at this point, we'll see whether the thread finally snaps soon or not.  As it stands I think I just need to get massively fucked-up soon and take a reality vacation.