swimchick_123's Journal

aahh!
Sep 22 2008 02:26

its 2:30 am and i get up at 6. I sooo cant sleep.

Hmm tomorrow will  be interesting. gonna start 2468 =]

i felt normal tonight!
Sep 13 2008 00:13

It was homecoming game and me and a three other of my friends went. We walked around for a while, tackled the blue foam football things in the practice feild for like three hours, got called retards by the people we highly dislike because we were acting hyper, screamed, decided to drop out of school and form an all girls melodic death metal screamo band then become proffessional football players (because we really are good at tackling the blue foam things) and then crashed completely in the school. The best part was, I forgot completely about my weight while I was out there. I had fun, and thats that. so yay!

How To Avoid Pizza
Sep 05 2008 17:42

Take a nap!! *snores*

Stop making out already!!!
Sep 04 2008 21:18

So my sister and her bf have been together for five months. Yes, its sweet, but GEEZ could they get a freaking room?? Almost everyday they're sitting on our couch making gross noises and making out. And personally, I find it quite disturbing to have my sister being felt up about three feet away from me. I mean they could at least leave the room!

Ok, rant done.

God is a jerk.
Aug 28 2008 22:12

I'm so, so so so fucking stupid. And fat.

When I was 110 pounds, I was so skinny. But I didnt see it. I begged, begged God to let me see what others saw when they looked at me, but NO. I thought i was a whale. Why couldn't he have made me happy and actually feel like the skinny person I was?! If he's so great and fucking almighty, then why couldn't he have made me even remotely aware that I was skinny, and pretty?

Now, at 130 fucking pounds, I am truly the whale that I thought I was. I know that its my fault, but why the fuck couldn't God have given me the knowledge that I was infact skinny at one point in my life?! Maybe that would have stopped the binging. I KNOW that would have stopped the binging. But no. I am so sick of being a bitch to everyone around me because I feel trapped and worthless in my own body. But I can't do anything about it because I can't control it anymore. I can't lose weight, I've tried so fucking hard but i just CANT. I'm going back to school next week and they're all going to see my fat. All my clothes are too small, I can't afford any new ones. God I can't fucking escape my body. Thats all I want. If I was skinnier, I wouldn't dread going back to school. I wouldn't dread swim practice. I would be able to swim easier. I would be able to go out with friends. I would be able to wear tight clothing again.  It would fix EVERYTHING.

I'm so fucking hating myself. And God. But mainly myself.

I dumped it down the drain!!!
Aug 01 2008 16:54

Ok so I've been struggling with binging for over a year now. Its gotten really really bad lately, and I've gained 15 pounds. My heart sinks when I type that

:*(

Anyways, not the point. Today, I was about to binge. It was going to be macaroni and cheese. BUT, all of a sudden, I just dumped it all down the drain. Just like that.

YAY!!!

I kicked that binge's ass.

wind down....
Jul 19 2008 23:51

...from a very crazy couple of days. If you look at my earlier journal entries and threads you kinda get an little idea of how much I cracked...but I'm recovering. My friends are the main reason. I love them soo freaking much its insane.

So I guess I'm just checking in...its midnight here and I have nothing better to do lol. Tomorrow I'm starting a diet; I don't think I'm going to count cals persay, but I'm just going to eat very very low calorie things until I'm full and walk around town a lot. I don't really care if I lose too fast at this point. Just losing would be a freaking miracle.

I saw a pic of me today of last summer of me around 107 pounds. I'm going to get there again SOON. :D

I just ate half a can of fucking pringles in 10 fucking minutes
Jul 16 2008 12:16

SHIT. I give up.

Advice Needed...someone please read and help.
Jul 15 2008 20:10

I think I know what caused my binge, along with all the others lately. My mom is making me take AP classes across the board for the rest of my high school career, and there is so much homework to do over the summer, and on top of that she wants me to do swim camp, and won't let me go out and about with my friends (like i'd have time anyway with all the f**ing homework), and doesn't want me to listen to my music anymore, which is my only release lately, because she thinks it's not "good" for me because she thinks its about drugs and such, which really its about recovery. And my sister is being a suck-up to my mom and relapsing into a child-like state, and all i can do is watch...and my other sister is starting to count calories and binge, and I can't talk to my mom because she's working three f** jobs, and I also feel like sh** because I've started to lose faith in God lately, and I used to be a strong Christian...and i just don't know what to do anymore. AND on top of all of this, I'm almost 120 pounds. Which scares and disgusts the shit outta me.

I'm almost to the point of suicide. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Ooooooooowowowowoowooow.
Jul 14 2008 18:35

Ow. I just ate so much fricking junk food its insane (binge.) I have SUCH a stomach ache now, and binges usually make me uncomfortable but never give me actual stomach aches. My body is taking such a beating lately, its time for it to stop.

omg oooooooow. :( Tomorrow=fruit only.